One might be so bold as to assume that a collaboration between two Hollywood powerhouses such as Jerry Bruckheimer and Nicholas Cage could possibly be the greatest film in the history of man … but why would you think that? Are you insane? The producer of G-Force and the guy from Season of the Witch?
Such a concoction recently made it’s way to my computer via RedBox by way of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. The Saucer’s Appendix is the story of an awkward boy named Dave (Jay Baruchel) who meets a sorcerer named Balthazar (Nicholas Cage) and becomes … wait for it … his apprentice! Cage was a pupil of Merlin (Yes, THE Merlin) and he’s been fighting bad sorcerers and trapping them in those little Russian nesting dolls, the center of which is his girlfriend (Monica Bellucci) who trapped Morgan le Fey (Some old broad) inside herself. Too bad the movie didn’t have as many layers as these nesting dolls, eh? Anyways, Cage meets Dave, who is a descendent of Merlin, and trains him up to fight Morgan and this one evil sorcerer played by Alfred Molina named Whore’sBath. Rotten Tomatoes claims it’s spelled Horvath, but I know what I heard! Also, at some point, Baruchel meets and falls in love with the pretty blonde girl from I Am Number Four.
I can assume I am not the target demographic for this particular movie. It seems like the kind of movie that would be enjoyed by younguns. By me? Not so much. I’m not sure that Baruchel is meant to lead a movie. He was fantastic in Tropic Thunder where he could be awkward in the background, throw in some funny now and then, and then fuck off. But he’s arguably the star of this particular movie. He plays the descendent of Merlin himself or, as this movie calls it, the Prime Merlinian. Yeah, they really called it that. But, being the Prime Meridian that he is, most of the movie is placed on his scrawny, awkward shoulders, and I don’t feel like the Prime Millennium was up to the task. There was one interesting scene that came forth because of him when the movie includes a long, fairly well done recreation of Fantasia, a movie where the Prime Mescalin was played by none other than Mickey Mouse himself. The Prime Masturbation sets mops and brooms to work cleaning his lab area so he can ready for his date. As you may assume, it does not go well, to the GREAT comic delight of the audience. Oh Prime Michigan, will you ever do anything right?
I had an odd thought during this movie, caused by the secondary lead Cage. He IS generally regarded as a great actor, right? I assume I just haven’t seen the right movies starring him. I hear the man puts on quite the performance in Raising Arizona and probably other movies, but I’ve not seen them. But of the movies I’VE seen the man in – Season of the Witch, Ghost Rider, Con-Air, The Rock, Face Off, and lest we forget Wicker Man – I’ve not been thoroughly impressed. And why is he in 8 movies a year, with only 1 that’s watchable? Oh wait, I just remembered I really like both National Treasure movies and Kick-Ass. Alright, Cage, you can keep making movies, but I’m watching you! Well … no, I guess I probably won’t be … but still!
Also, why was Monica Bellucci barely used in this movie? Not only is she a fine actress, she’s a FINE actress. She was shown only a few times in the movie and did not speak until the very end of the movie. Which, now that I think about it, is my preferred way of enjoying Monica Bellucci. Carry on, movie!
So, honestly, I don’t have much to say about this movie … cough … The movie is not the worst thing I’ve watched by a long shot, but it’s also something you’ll be fine going about your life not having seen it. I suppose if you have Harry Potter-obsessed 12 year old boys in your family, or perhaps in your basement, it’s a good way to stop them from screaming for an hour or two.
On a scale of 1 to 5 stars, you don’t need to watch this movie. Getting closer?