Coal Miner’s Daughter (1980)

I reckon I should ‘pologize right quick for the tone of this here review. After havin’ watched this here Coal Miner’s Daughter I am literally thinkin’ with a country drawl. This here’s a movie starring Sissy Spacek (That there girl who done got her period and then killed a heap of folks ’cause of some pig’s blood in Carrie) in the true story of country legend Loretta Lynn and her marriage to Doolittle “Doo” Lynn (Tommy Lee Jones, who’s that feller done got half his face all messed up in Batman Forever) and her introduction to music and rise to country stardom.

Now, if’n you’re like me, you became acquainted with Loretta Lynn from that one episode of Ghost Adventures where them boys done investigated her mansion fer ghosts, but apparently she’s sang a song and twanged a guitar a time or two as well. Now, I have no idear as to the symbolic meaning of the name of this here picture, but the movie starts with Loretta growing up in Kentucky, living with her father (who mines coal for a living), her mother, and a heap of other chirrens. Doo comes back from a war of some sort and goes to her town just a-hankerin’ for some underage poon tang. Here come Loretta – who everyone has for some reason decided to pronounce her name as Lorettie instead. Why would her folks mispronounce the name they done gave to their kin? I dunno. Well Doo buys this pie Lorettie made at this auction and that means she gotta sit a spell with him as he eats it. Well they start fallin’ in love and such and Doo eventually come after her parents fixin’ to marry her. Her parents don’t take a shine to that on account of her being newly 14 years old, but eventually they agree under two conditions: Never hit her and don’t go takin’ her away from home. So, promptly after their honeymoon night in some Motel 6, Doo sets into effect his first order of business: SLAP THAT BITCH! They break up for a spell and get back together to move to Warshington. Good work there, Doo!

The rest of the movie chronicles her and Doo gettin’ her all famoused up. He finds out she can sing, gets her a guitar (Just checkin’, but y’alls pronouncing that gee-tar, right?), gets her recorded, gets her on the radio, and helps get her famous. Then it gets to gettin’ to her head, she meets Patsy Cline (Beverly D’Angelo), and he gets all butt hurt.

Irregardless to the way I’m typing this here review, I feel it should be mentioned that I am not country in the slightest. Though I come from country stock, I was born and raised in Californie. And though my sister took back to her country roots, I didn’t. That being said, this here was one nice flick. I was totally invested in this girl’s story even though I barely knew who she was. The movie was far from “meh”. Sissy Spacek totally melts into the role of Lynn, as Tommy Lee Jones does his role of Doo. I reckon I ain’t the only one thinkin’ this way as I’m purdy sure Spacek done got one of them fancy Oscars for this or somethin’.

Jones, as I kinda talked on, was very good as Doo, which was not a part that was easy to like. I done told you that he slapped his missus, and he was kinda a dick as well. But he made him so real that you kinda like him somehow. I mean, he shouldn’t have hit that girl, but she was dumb as a stump in some parts and kinda had that comin’. But also, he’s the one that made Lorettie get all famoused up, so he can’t be all bad.

So what I is gettin’ at is, even though I’m not country and this here movie’s 3 years older than I am, y’all need to get your peepers on this movie. It ain’t common for me to come across a movie that gets itself a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes (or as we call it back in the hills, “good eatin’s!”) but I add my thumbs up to this movie. Out of 5, I give this movie a “YEEHAW!”.

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

Today I made a solo run to the theaters to catch the film Cowboys & Aliens, starring Daniel Craig (He’s James Bond), Harrison Ford (He’s Han Solo) and Olivia Wilde (She’s Hot). But before I talk about that, there’s something else that desperately needs my attention.

I don’t remember trailers very often when I go see a movie, but one of them before this movie jammed itself into my brain like an ice pick. It’s a trailer of a soon to be released movie with Liam Neison that seems to try to condense the epic story of a famous game into a movie. Of course I’m referring to Battleship. Who didn’t play that game when they were young and think to themselves “Y’know, the story of this board game is SO GOOD, why hasn’t anyone turned it into a movie?” I may be being slightly facetious, so allow me to reveal my true feelings: What the hell is going on here? Battleship has no story – a trait I foresee it sharing with the movie of the same name – so how can you make a movie out of this? At least it has recognition going for it. Most people in the world know the cliché “You sunk my Battleship” but people seem to forget that the whole quote is “You sunk my Battleship with your gigantic star destroyer”. At least, in this case, I’m sure the movie will sink itself, saving me the trouble of having to sit through it.

And now for our feature presentation: Cowboys & Aliens. This is the story of an amnesiac with a finely chiseled body waking up, kicking some asses, getting arrested, kicking more ass, finding aliens, riding to them, and then kicking a whole lot more ass. These aliens have come to Earth to take our gold because – more than touching people with shining fingers or destroying Tom Cruise’s car – aliens desire “ballah status”. It’s not really made clear, but I believe these aliens needed the gold to melt down and turn into medallions for their rappers to wear. But the aliens aren’t really the focus of the movie, they’re just around. The story more focuses on our hero who’s name escapes me but I vaguely remember it being something like Lonergun. Having just looked it up, it’s Lonergan, but it’s close enough. Anyway, Lonergan (Craig) has amnesia and basically spends the rest of the movie kicking ass and trying to remember stuff. He gets on the wrong side of Dollarhide (Ford, though they choose to spell it Dolarhyde) and hijinks ensue. He also meets a hot chick named Elle (Wilde, of course). Aliens steal their buddies and they all go after them.

I think the biggest problem with this movie is that it left no impression on me whatsoever. I just finished watching it less than a half hour ago and I’m having trouble remembering anything. There was not much suspense, not much action, and when Wilde was neked, you only saw her back from the waist up. And don’t get me wrong, I love big dumb action movies. I fully understand the difference between a movie that means something and a good way to kill 2 hours. I know that I know the difference because I do everything possible to avoid those pretentious meaningful movies. But I only found myself half-way interested in this movie.

I’ve no real rants nor raves to offer you about this movie. It’s a decent enough way to kill 2 hours and you probably won’t be wholly disappointed with the experience. I didn’t go in expecting much, and I was right.

On a scale of 1 to 5, I give it “meh”.