Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

Today I made a solo run to the theaters to catch the film Cowboys & Aliens, starring Daniel Craig (He’s James Bond), Harrison Ford (He’s Han Solo) and Olivia Wilde (She’s Hot). But before I talk about that, there’s something else that desperately needs my attention.

I don’t remember trailers very often when I go see a movie, but one of them before this movie jammed itself into my brain like an ice pick. It’s a trailer of a soon to be released movie with Liam Neison that seems to try to condense the epic story of a famous game into a movie. Of course I’m referring to Battleship. Who didn’t play that game when they were young and think to themselves “Y’know, the story of this board game is SO GOOD, why hasn’t anyone turned it into a movie?” I may be being slightly facetious, so allow me to reveal my true feelings: What the hell is going on here? Battleship has no story – a trait I foresee it sharing with the movie of the same name – so how can you make a movie out of this? At least it has recognition going for it. Most people in the world know the cliché “You sunk my Battleship” but people seem to forget that the whole quote is “You sunk my Battleship with your gigantic star destroyer”. At least, in this case, I’m sure the movie will sink itself, saving me the trouble of having to sit through it.

And now for our feature presentation: Cowboys & Aliens. This is the story of an amnesiac with a finely chiseled body waking up, kicking some asses, getting arrested, kicking more ass, finding aliens, riding to them, and then kicking a whole lot more ass. These aliens have come to Earth to take our gold because – more than touching people with shining fingers or destroying Tom Cruise’s car – aliens desire “ballah status”. It’s not really made clear, but I believe these aliens needed the gold to melt down and turn into medallions for their rappers to wear. But the aliens aren’t really the focus of the movie, they’re just around. The story more focuses on our hero who’s name escapes me but I vaguely remember it being something like Lonergun. Having just looked it up, it’s Lonergan, but it’s close enough. Anyway, Lonergan (Craig) has amnesia and basically spends the rest of the movie kicking ass and trying to remember stuff. He gets on the wrong side of Dollarhide (Ford, though they choose to spell it Dolarhyde) and hijinks ensue. He also meets a hot chick named Elle (Wilde, of course). Aliens steal their buddies and they all go after them.

I think the biggest problem with this movie is that it left no impression on me whatsoever. I just finished watching it less than a half hour ago and I’m having trouble remembering anything. There was not much suspense, not much action, and when Wilde was neked, you only saw her back from the waist up. And don’t get me wrong, I love big dumb action movies. I fully understand the difference between a movie that means something and a good way to kill 2 hours. I know that I know the difference because I do everything possible to avoid those pretentious meaningful movies. But I only found myself half-way interested in this movie.

I’ve no real rants nor raves to offer you about this movie. It’s a decent enough way to kill 2 hours and you probably won’t be wholly disappointed with the experience. I didn’t go in expecting much, and I was right.

On a scale of 1 to 5, I give it “meh”.