Gobble, Gobble, Motherfucker
Continuing on my October Horror-thon, and also continuing to view movies requested of me, I streamed a certain “horror” movie from Netflix Instant Streaming at the behest of my friend Robert. Not my “me” Robert; a different Robert. This movie is called Thankskilling, and stars people you don’t know and is directed by Jordan Downey, who you also don’t know.
This movie starts out with the words “The year is 1621, the olden days …”. That gives you a hint of what you’re in store for. And if you’re not there yet, the first image you see is a tit. That tit belongs to a pilgrim running scared through the woods with her boobs out for no reason in particular. It certainly isn’t for MY enjoyment, ’cause they’re ugly titties on an ugly woman who is probably in her 50’s or so. She trips on a rock and is then killed by a hand puppet that looks like a turkey that offers some shitty quip before murdering her with an axe. Yup, this is one of those movies. We jump forward to the present day where a cliched collection of college students is heading home for Thanksgiving. There’s the jock, the nerd, the fat hillbilly, the slut, and the prissy chick. Judd Nelson refused to be here. He was busy holding his fist in the air on a football field somewhere. They drive home and their car breaks down, so they decide to camp. The nerd recounts a story about a Native American necromancer reanimating a dead turkey to punish the pilgrims. Then they meet the turkey, resurrected by a hermit’s dog pissing on someone’s bad, art class tiki statue, and the turkey tries to kill the fat guy because he’s a descendent of a pilgrim that did something bad to the necromancer. They return to their car, magically fixed by being left by the road for the night, and return home. The turkey then systematically kills most of them, leaving only the prissy chick. The end.
This is a horrible movie. And that’s normally not a problem for me. My friend Mike and I have viewed countless horrible movies and probably only not been able to make it through one exceptionally bad movie. I like a bad horror movie, as long as it tries. What this movie shared with the one bad movie Mike and I couldn’t complete is that this movie attempts to be a comedy more than it attempts to be a horror movie. You catch on to that pretty quickly with the awful dialogue they “wrote” for this movie. At one point, the slutty chick flashes someone and the prissy chick says “Stop that. It’s THANKSgiving, not TITSgiving”. So that’s what passes as a joke for this movie. It’s basically around the level I assume a toddler could produce. And, though I love a bad horror movie, I cannot stand a bad comedy. But I finished this movie anyway, because I’m a professional … kinda.
The story is retarded, but quite a few horror movies have that in common with this movie. The evil turkey could have been a funny premise if funny people wrote it, but they didn’t write this. It seemed like the majority of the dialogue was improvised by the mentally challenged (and it might have been). At one point, the slutty chick is fucking some random dude, the turkey kills him, and jumps right in to fucking the slutty chick (it’s doggy style, so you can totally see how she’d not be able to tell). When the turkey finishes, he quips “You just got stuffed!”, and proceeds to break her neck. Bad joke, and bad form. Because this chick was the only attractive one in the movie, and they didn’t even get her tits out and they killed her first. Booo! The prissy chick uses a joke about this girl in this movie which is in poor taste and even worse, is not funny. She says “Her legs are harder to close than the JonBenet Ramsey case”. Poor taste can be excused (at least by me) if it’s still funny. When Jimmy Kimmell said that Flava Flav was a worse father than Chris Benoit, that was extremely poor taste but hilarious. The bigger problem with this movie’s awful poor taste joke was that they used it twice, and I’m not sure if they were aware of it.
The cast is about as awful as the rest of the movie. Not a one of them is interesting or even able to deliver lines well. I assume this is someone’s film school movie that someone put on DVD with the tried and true dart board technique, but the acting is about as good as I imagine a movie would have been if my friends and I tried to make it in high school. The nerd is over the top and offensive to nerds, the jock is probably offensive to jocks, I would even hazard a guess that the slut is offensive to sluts. The prissy chick is offensive to me because she’s way less attractive than the slut, but the jock was interested in her, paying no regard to the fact that she quite obviously has an acne problem and thinks make up hides that. (Psst, it doesn’t).
The worst thing about this movie is that it hasn’t been reviewed on Rotten Tomatoes, so I have no one to back me up. And the audience reviews on the movie’s main page of Rotten Tomatoes and Netflix seemed to only show people that liked it, and I don’t know how these people exist. I don’t think any of you should ever watch this movie. There are plenty of awful horror movies that at least serve the purpose of being joke fodder, and this one doesn’t even offer you that. It, instead, chooses to drain a little bit of your soul out of you. Seriously, it may shorten your life. I give this movie “SHITSgiving” out of “Does that count as a joke?”
And, as always, please rate, comment, and/or like this post and others. It may help me get better.