The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

100% Medically Accurate

I have been beaten over the head so much with this movie that I feel like I knew exactly what happened from start to finish and never had any interest in watching it. But it was such a cultural phenomenon that I knew I would be unable to avoid seeing it. And, as it completely served a purpose within my October Horror-thon, I finally decided to stream this movie from Netflix. This movie is The Human Centipede (First Sequence), starring Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, and Akihiro Kitamura.

For the very first time in any horror movie, two attractive girls, Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie), get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere, Germany, while on their way to a nightclub. And the rest of the movie is exactly why you should never go to a nightclub. They eventually decide to hoof it through some very spooky woods and wind up at the house of Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser). While pretending to call for a tow truck, Dr. Heiter serves the two girls a water and roofie beverage. When they wake up, they’re strapped to medical beds in a room with a truck driver that Heiter collected earlier. He decides the truck driver doesn’t match and kills him, replacing him with a Japanese tourist named Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura). Dr. Heiter then proceeds to explain to them that he’s a world-renowned expert at separating conjoined twins but, probably out of boredom, has decided he’d enjoy cramming things together now. He tried it first with his “three-dog”, a collection of his three Rotweillers. But they died so now he wanted to try to make a centipede whose name made even less sense than the 20 legged centipede and make one with 6 legs and 6 arms. Basically he’s going to put the 3 people ass to mouth. Lindsay tries to escape but fails and earns herself the middle spot as punishment. The rest of the movie is that situation rectifying itself.

This is another one of those horror movies that exchanges gore and grossness for scares, but I feel it serves it’s purpose and makes a pretty horrific movie. It shows the surgery and other violent acts in very graphic and disgusting detail and has it’s fair share of suspense in it as well, but not a single scare as I would call it. If this movie was something anyone would actually expect to happen to them, they may have been able to find it scarier, but I personally consider it highly unlikely that a crazy German doctor would kidnap me and sew two chicks to my ass. And if I was sewn to a chick’s ass, I feel pretty confident that I would be perfectly comfortable just ripping my face off her ass as soon as I woke up. Sure I’d have scars, but they’d look like the Heath Ledger Joker, and that would be bad ass. Of course, every time I asked someone “Do you want to know how I got these scars?”, I would definitely not tell them the truth. But the scariest part about this situation would definitely be while listening to the doctor explain what he was going to do. The scariest thing would be thinking about which section you would be, but that would be less scary when you just started trying to find out exactly what you had to do to get into the A spot. I don’t want to crap into a lady’s mouth, but I want that less than I want one to crap in mine.

The movie is very pretty to look at (when not watching people crawling around ass to mouth). The scenery is great, the atmosphere is great, Dr. Heiter has a really nice house, and everything looks crisp and well filmed. There were a few odd editing choices, I would say. When the two chicks are approaching the house, they randomly cut to the tombstone of “Three-dog” for a little foreshadowing. The showing of the tombstone isn’t the problem here, but the random thrown-in cut of it. You could have easily panned over it and not been so jarring and bad about your editing. Also, when they killed the truck driver, I think they should have made it a little more scary or horrifying, as I wouldn’t say the quiet painless death by injection is the scariest thing. For other writing problems, when Lindsay escapes and locks herself in his bedroom, why does he decided to get in by breaking the window from outside the house? An inside door would be MUCH easier to break than it seemed the window was, AND you’d still be protected from the elements until you got it replaced. And I could replace a door myself, so I assume he could too. Wouldn’t need to get professionals out to install a window while you have three people sewn together downstairs. Also, when Lindsay escapes and accidentally tears out her IV and is bleeding profusely, I feel like she wouldn’t need the doctor to tranquilize her, she probably would’ve passed out from blood loss much sooner. And, as is a classic problem with horror movies (and were I a black lady in a theater I would’ve been yelling it at the screen), but why would these two chicks go into this house with the super creepy doctor with the pictures of conjoined fetuses all over his house?

As for the acting, it’s off and on. Pretty much everyone in this movie is hamming it up for the majority of the movie. The two chicks are, at least, attractive. And they get their titties out, so that’s to be acknowledged. And one of these chicks is using this movie as a follow up to being a little kid in the movie Willow from way back when. Someone is never going to be type-cast here. And more than anything, I think the 3 centipede parts should be commended for their performances in this movie, if for no reason other than the fact that they spent most of the movie ass to mouth with 2 other actors. I could not fathom taking a part that involved me to either have my face in someone’s ass, have someone’s face in my ass, or BOTH, for the majority of the movie. Kudos for your gumption. I mean, what if you were the dude in the A spot and you had to fart? Do you have to stop production for a few minutes so you can bust it out and let your ass air out? I would be going to a doctor to find out what I needed to eat to never have gas. And if that failed, I’d have to cork it. I’d be so embarrassed if I farted into a pretty girl’s mouth. …Perhaps I’ve gotten off track.

I’m a little torn on how to rate this movie. The acting and look is fine, but I hate horror movies that cannot scare you and just say to themselves that “Gore is good enough”. It’s not a scary movie, but it’s a horrific movie that may suffice in a pinch. I do think that this Tom Six guy needs to be watched because you might have to be a little sick to write this movie. I’ll call this movie “What an insane world we live in” out of “Rape drug”.

And, as always, please rate, comment, and/or like this post and others. It may help me get better.