From Justin To Kelly (2003)

Back Off Side-Show Bob

Yup, you read the title correctly. My friend Loni jokingly suggested I review From Justin To Kelly, but I’m a man. I cannot turn down a challenge. And what a challenge it was. It combines some of my favorite things you can find in movies: musicals, shitty acting, poor attempts at comedy, and flash-in-the-pan stars. Well let’s get into it, shall we? From Justin To Kelly was directed by Robert Iscove (I’m changing my name. I shant share names with this man), and stars Justin Guarini, Kelly Clarkson, Katherine Bailess, Anika Noni Rose, Greg Siff, Brian Dietzen, and Jason Yribar.

Kelly Taylor (Clarkson) along with her slutty friend Alexa (Katherine Bailess) and her dorky black friend (Anika Noni Rose) decide they need to go away for spring break. They get there and immediately and inexplicably Kelly and Justin (Guarini) catch a glimpse of each other out of the corner of their eyes and decide they’re in love. Justin and his friend Brandon (Greg Siff) own a party planning business or some shit. Justin goes to Alexa to get Kelly’s number but Alexa gives Justin her number because she’s a jealous twat. The rest of the movie is Justin and Kelly always almost getting together but Alexa fucks it up for them and they get mad at each other. Then Kelly finds out it was Alexa and gets mad, but all sins are forgiven when Alexa brings Justin over to Kelly. Happily ever after.

I feel like I’m wasting my time typing these words but here it goes: this movie is awful. And now, I will compare this movie to a movie none of you have probably seen. This movie is a LOT like Catalina Caper. No more description will be given. Catalina Caper is a movie from 1967 that I am familiar with through one of the greatest television programs ever: Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s a movie type that (I gather) was very popular back in the 60’s and 70’s. They used to love the beach party movies and MST3K has introduced me to a great deal of awful ones. You haven’t seen many of them since the 70’s … because NO ONE WANTED THEM BACK. But they made this one. In both movies, a group of 3 go to a beach party type situation, fall in love, there’s a problem, and then it gets fixed and love conquers all. Also, both are very bad, feature lots of awful acting and failed attempts at comedy (mostly slapstick), and they break into musical numbers for no reason. But this is a little weird to me because the movie starts off with the very typical Kelly singing to a crowd of one in a country bar somewhere (which she should get used to), but in the rest of the movie the musical numbers were supposed to be more of an imaginary thing and these people weren’t actually singing at each other. The blonde girl Alexa was the biggest problem in this movie, which is sad because she was also the best looking. She was so randomly and needlessly shitty to a person that was supposed to be her friend. She spends the whole movie heaping more and more shit on Justin and Kelly’s relationship and they are mad at her about it for all of a minute in the movie and then all is forgiven. Fuck that. Why would you keep that person around? I mean, I liked to look at her, so I’m happy about it, but Kelly should’ve gutted her. Plus, she’s jealous because the moderately attractive (at best) Justin doesn’t have eyes for her at all. One of the things she does is call this guy that likes Kelly from back home to come down and act like her boyfriend to scare off Justin and they decide they need to fight for Kelly. And what type of battle do they engage in to decide Kelly’s affection? Hovercraft racing! But Alexa is so much better looking than Kelly so she probably could have anyone. And it’s pretty easy to manipulate the two of these people because they’re morons. Kelly automatically judges the book by the cover when she finds out Justin is part owner of a party company, and decides he’s just trying to get some poon tang. Why would you get so mad at him about that? It’s a male dream job! Plus, he’s never given you reason to doubt his intentions and (guess what?) you have the ability to NOT give him the pussy if it turns that way. So see where it goes, or move on. Don’t be all pissy about it. The third in Justin’s group is a overly cliched, nerdy guy who is trying to meet a girl he’s been chatting up on the interwebs with the face of a 40 year old.

Hold on, I still need to talk about the performances. …sigh… Okay, so it should come as no surprise that the two main actors, Justin Guarini and Kelly Clarkson, are not that good of actors. They do a mediocre job at best and I hated watching them, but – in their defense – it was probably more the writing than their performances. They break into songs all the time, much like the Spice World movie, but the songs are much worse than the Spice Girls music. At one point they take the tune of a BeeGees song and change the lyrics to fit their situation, and that’s the closest to quality music they get. Their voices are acceptable though, I guess. What I was impressed by when it came to the cast was that Justin and Kelly actually accepted actors to play their friends that were more attractive than they are. Both of Kelly’s and one of Justin’s friends were better looking than the leader of the group. That’s brave … or delusional. Because at one point one of the guys said that there were like 400 girls after Justin. Who’s after the scrawny, afro-ed fuck? It’s entirely predictable, however, that the most attractive, blonde girl would be the bitch. I guess there has to be a downside to all that hotness. The other friend of Kelly’s was a black girl and I was shocked that they let them into “The South” now. They’re really progressing down there, I guess.

Here’s the surprise prognosis: Don’t watch this movie. In my reviews, even the bad movies typically have some redeemable aspect to them. In From Justin To Kelly’s case, the only redeemable quality is that there’s a lot of good eye candy in this movie. But, if you’re reading this, you probably have the internet. Did you know there are places on this internet thing that will not only show you good looking ladies, but also naked ones and ones having sex? That’s a much more productive use of your time. But if you want to see an unfunny beach musical like something from the 60’s with two American Idol contestants in it … I don’t know, there’s still got to be a better movie with those parameters. I’ll give this movie “Don’t watch this” out of “I tried my hardest to keep y’all apart”.

Hey, peeps. Why not rate and comment on this as a favor to good ole Robert, eh? And tell your friends! Let’s make me famous!