The Mysteries of Pittsburgh (2008)

Money That Comes From Numbers, Whores, Protection, and Cigarette Smuggling.

I literally have no idea what today’s movie is about.  I’ve never seen it before and I know only a few of the people involved in the movie.  I have even less idea how the movie got itself into my Netflix queue.  But it was there and I wasn’t paying attention, so it managed to reach the top.  And, because I have nothing else to say about how I got involved with this movie, I bring you my completely random review of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, written and directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber, and starring Jon Foster, Sienna Miller, Peter Sarsgaard, Nick Nolte, Mena Suvari, and Omid Abtahi.

Art Bechstein (Jon Foster) is the son of some fancy mob guy named Joe Bechstein (Nick Nolte).  His father wants to give him a job after summer and his graduation from college.  Art goes and starts working at a book store, where he subsequently starts having sex with his supervisor, Phlox (Mena Suvari).  While attending a party with his friend Mohammed (Omid Abtahi), he meets Jane (Sienna Miller) and they go out to a diner together.  The next day, Jane’s boyfriend Cleveland (Peter Sarsgaard) shows up and the three start hanging out together.  Then we have another hour of the tumultuous relationship between Jane and Cleveland, the confusing relationship between Art and both Jane and Cleveland, and problems with Cleveland’s mob job going sour.

I’ve figured it out!  The reason this movie was in my queue was that, back in the early stages of Netflix, I didn’t know how to find pornography on the internet for free.  That being the case, I would try to find nudity – especially of the celebrity variety – wherever I could.  Mena Suvari gets naked in this movie, thus I put it on my Netflix queue and forgot about it.  I probably would’ve been safer just getting a subscription to Mr. Skin or something.  I really should go through my Netflix queue and clear out some of my bad decisions.  Nowadays, I can find that stuff on the internet for free without sitting through an entire movie.  And what makes it worse is that this was not a good movie.  The real mystery of Pittsburgh is what this movie is about.  It’s beyond me.  Either that or it’s just dumb and confusing.  It’s just about how a guy spent his summer.  In typical fashion, some unconventional things happen to him along the way, but none of it’s particularly interesting.  And the movie’s also really slow moving and kind of mopey.  It just got annoying.  It also seemed a little pretentious.  Every time you put a shitty punk band in your movie and act like they’re the greatest thing ever, you’re either pretentious or hipster.  Additionally, I could never figure out what type of movie they were trying to make here.  If it was a comedy, it wasn’t funny.  If it was a drama, it wasn’t poignant.  If it was an action movie, it was way off.  The closest thing I could think of was a romantic comedy, but it was just as confused about that.  Hell, the main character couldn’t even figure out if he wanted to fuck Jane or Cleveland.  He just did both instead.  So if you want to see them try to turn fucking into love making with mood lighting and sweet music on both a gay and a hetero relationship within the span of about five minutes … well then you’re weird.

The performances in this movie didn’t do much for me either.  Jon Foster was either producing no emotion, or he was not succeeding at trying an emotion.  He was just mopey all the time.  Sienna Miller only impressed with her hotness.  I couldn’t tell if Peter Sarsgaard’s character was a douche or an asshole.  There’s a chance he was both.  He was smug and irritating but somehow charmed the main character into going gay.  You’ll haveta romance me more than that.  I don’t respond to douchebags.  On a positive note, Mena Suvari does indeed get naked in the movie, but it was pretty brief.  It was not much more than you can see by Googling the images.  And I had to sit through an hour and a half to see it.  Her character was pretty cute in the movie, but also bordering on stupid and usually surpassing on annoying.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh only helped me to realize that I need to clear out a lot of my Netflix queue.  The story was slow, boring, and mopey and the performances never impressed.  It’s not awful, it’s just boring.  The only thing that piqued my interest was Mena Suvari naked.  Instead of watching it, Google it if you want to see it so bad.  You can skip this movie.  The Mysteries of Pittsburgh gets “Snooze for boobs” out of “You want pie, man?”

Let’s get these reviews more attention, people.  Post reviews on your webpages, tell your friends, do some of them crazy Pinterest nonsense.  Whatever you can do to help my reviews get more attention would be greatly appreciated.  You can also add me on FaceBook (Robert T. Bicket) and Twitter (iSizzle).  Don’t forget to leave me some comments.  Your opinions and constructive criticisms are always appreciated.