Strong Enough for a Man, But Made for a Woman.
This is far and away the oddest review request that I’ve ever had, but it’s also helping me fix a problem I’ve had recently. You see, I’ve gotten into a position where I find it difficult to review anything but movies recently, since they can generally be completed in 2 hours and reviewed in an additional couple of hours. Trying to knock out one review per day while maintaining a mostly full time job can get a little difficult, and things that take many hours like a video game get left by the wayside. But my site is called Robert Reviews STUFF, and it’s devolved into Robert Reviews Movies. That doesn’t have the same ring to it. Sure, I could review another video game or a TV show to overcome that problem, but the request I got is definitely something that you would not expect to find me reviewing. And so, at the request of my Friendboss Josh, I bring you my review of ColorSilk hair dye, brought to me by Revlon and randomly grabbing something off of the shelf at a CVS.
Here’s the plot of this story for ya. I’ve had gray hairs showing up since the age of 16. Unlike the general reaction to gray hairs, I genuinely don’t care that my hair is going gray. But, fairly often recently, I decide that I feel like I want to dye my hair. I don’t have any particular reason for it. I don’t care that my hair is gray as most people tell me it looks distinguished, and I like it because it comes in mostly on the sides, making me feel like it looks more like Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four. But, even before my hair started getting gray, I always wished it was black … like my soul. It just doesn’t look right for a brown-haired person to sit around listening to My Chemical Romance and cutting. So I gave it a shot and I liked how it looked, so I’ve done it a few times at random since then. This time happened because I went into a CVS looking for something that could repair scratched glass to see if I could extend the life of my watch. Not being able to find that, I decided to grab hair dye instead. And then, when I was at home, ::SPOILER ALERT:: I dyed my hair. ::END SPOILERS::
I liked this dye. It did its job and now my hair is a different color. What I liked most about it is that it’s a more realistic black than I’ve been getting lately. I actually got a talkin’-to at work because the dye I picked out, on more than one occasion, dyed my hair black, but with a strong hint of blue. Is a hint still a hint if it’s strong? Well, my job got the idea in its head that customers will not buy things from people with a forceful command of blue in their hair, leaving the looming threat of me having to prematurely re-dye my hair before the company went out of business because of my hair color. They had already closed down 50 stores because of hair color, and I would have felt a twinge of regret if I had been the cause of everyone in my store losing their jobs. Seriously, I would’ve gotten all choked up about it. Might even have shed a tear if I weren’t so goddamned manly.
Speaking of which, I think this hair dye is for women. I base that belief solely on the fact that there’s a woman on the front of the box and all of the pictures in the instructions were of women. I didn’t really give a shit, personally. Hair is hair, right? Right! It dyed both the hair on my head and the hair on my vagina with no complications. Oh yeah, the carpets DO match the drapes. The only complication this ladies’ hair dye caused was having to ignore the fact that it was telling me to part my short hair into four sections. I don’t even know how I’d manage that. I finally had to use wood clamps and super glue, but it worked admirably. In all honesty, most of the hair dye I’ve purchased seemed to be mainly for women. I don’t know why, but the Just for Men stuff doesn’t work to my liking. I think that stuff is just to target the gray, but if I want my hair to be black (and my hair isn’t completely gray yet), then it’ll be brown with some black hairs in them. I just want the whole thing to be black. Seems easier and more normal that way.
The process is simpler, especially if you’re so graced as to be able to ignore what they tell you about separating your hair into sections. You dump the one thing into the other thing and shake, then just dump that bad boy all over your hair and rub it in like you’re in an Herbal Essences commercial. It comes with gloves, and I recommend that lest your hands turn black. One thing I like to do that I didn’t see in the instructions is put a little Vaseline around your hair line so that you don’t accidentally dye your face. The only hard part about that is keeping in stock with Vaseline. I am single, after all. I go through that stuff like crazy! Then you just leave the stuff in your hair for 25 minutes and wash it out. It also comes with a packet of After-Color Conditioner. I don’t really know what this does or if it helps. Just seems like shampoo to me. But if this is truly meant for ladies, I don’t know how this would be enough conditioner for women. I used the whole packet on my hair, and women mostly have quite a bit more hair than me. That’s one point for me in the “Might not have emasculated myself by using this” category.
There are apparently safety instructions in this. I probably should have read these before I used it as opposed to five days afterwards, but whatever. My hair’s still here and the only itching I have is the usual one around my crotch. Apparently you shouldn’t use this if you’ve had a negative reaction to getting a black temporary henna tattoo in the past, supposedly because this is basically black henna for your hair. But the only reaction I’ve ever gotten from a henna tattoo is getting lots and lots of pussy, so I could ignore that. Also, don’t use this on your eyelashes or eyebrows. That could cause blindness. If you want to use it on your eyelashes, instead ponder killing yourself because you’re dumb. Also, this dye will not change the color of your actual eyes, so don’t try to dye them either. “Always keep applicator tip pointed away from the face.” They actually stole this line from the instruction manual for my .45 pistol. Don’t ingest this thing either. I know it tastes delicious and also makes your penis bigger and makes you lose weight, but don’t do it. Even though it makes you smarter, better in bed, and everyone will like you, don’t ingest this. “Don’t use if your hair is not in good condition.” What’s that mean? My hair just went through a pretty painful breakup, but it still works out every day. Is that good condition?
So that’s my review of Revlon ColorSilk Beautiful Color, Brown Black edition. It’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. And you’re not any less of a man for using it. I checked. But my hair is now a different color, and any parts that aren’t are my own fault. I don’t pay very much attention while I’m doing this. Certainly not as much as I should for something that will be there until my hair grows it out. But I like how it looks, I’ve gotten a few compliments on it, and I’m ready for all the flood of women that will inevitably follow. What I really wonder is if anyone could’ve believed that I could write a 1,500 word review of hair dye. Revlon ColorSilk Beautiful Color, Brown Black edition gets “I’m gonna get all the pussies now!” out of “Where’s my Vaseline?”
Let’s get these reviews more attention, people. Post reviews on your webpages, tell your friends, do some of them crazy Pinterest nonsense. Whatever you can do to help my reviews get more attention would be greatly appreciated. You can also add me on FaceBook (Robert T. Bicket) and Twitter (iSizzle). Don’t forget to leave me some comments. Your opinions and constructive criticisms are always appreciated.