Mortal Kombat: Legacy (2011)

Finish Him!

My interest in today’s review was born from a short film called Mortal Kombat: Rebirth that hit the internet on my birthday in 2010. As with most things that came out on June 8^th, it was pretty awesome. It took the world of Mortal Kombat that had previously been rendered goofy and unwatchable into something intriguing and vaguely realistic. I was entirely intrigued. But apparently Warner Bros. was not, and they passed on turning it into a movie. What they did instead is allow the director to turn his idea into a web series. But I found out that this had happened well after the first season had been released, so I felt like I had to do it all at the same time, which doesn’t really matter because the episodes are only like 10 minutes apiece. And so I watched, and prepare to review, Mortal Kombat: Legacy Season One, created, written, and directed by Kevin Tancharoen, based on characters created by Ed Boon and John Tobias, co-written by Todd Helbing and Aaron Helbing, and starring Michael Jai White, Jeri Ryan, Darren Shahlavi, Matt Mullins, Sam Tjhia, Jolene Tran, Ryan Robbins, Ian Anthony Dale, Devan Ohtsji, Shane Warren Jones, and Peter Shinkoda. Find it here on Machinima’s YouTube channel.

The story of the show is basically a prequel to the original game and we get introduced to the characters a few characters at a time. Sonya Blade (Jeri Ryan) gets captured by Kano (Darren Shahlavi) and Jax (Michael Jai White) has to rescue her. Johnny Cage (Matt Mullins) is failing to get his acting career back on track. Shao Kahn (Aleks Paunovic) overthrows the kingdom of Edenia, taking Queen Sindel (Beatrice Ilg) and her daughter Kitana (Samantha Tjhia) as his own, and creating an evil twin of the daughter that might actually love him who he names Mileena (Jolene Tran). Raiden (Ryan Robbins) comes to Earth and is put in an asylum. Sub-Zero (Kevan Ohtsji) kills the family of General Hanzo Hasashi (Ian Anthony Dale), and the anger and vengeance turns him into Scorpion. And Kano’s early endeavors lead to the creation of two robots from Lin Kuei warriors, Cyrax (Shane Warren Jones) and Sektor (Peter Shinkoda).

It’s hard to complain about something that is readily available for free on the internet … but I will do my utmost. Actually, I kind of liked this series. I’ve been really hit and miss with the Mortal Kombat franchise over the years. I liked about 50% of the games, and probably a much lower percentage of the live action endeavors. In the defense of the games, I never was that big into fighting games. There’s really no defense for most of the movies though. As for this show: it works. The episodes are a little short for what I’m used to, and the story is not surprising to people with a basic understanding of Mortal Kombat, but it was interesting to watch a half real world, half supernatural interpretation of Mortal Kombat. It wasn’t quite as based in the real world as the original trailer that drew me into the show, but it was good enough. But when I say it was unsurprising, I refer to events like what happens when an explosion is about to go off and Jax is nearby. Spoilers: there was damage to his arms. The devil, you say! Then, even though I really liked the way they set up Raiden’s story, it was almost what I expected. I thought it was cool (and made sense) that some dude falling out of the sky claiming he was the God of Thunder (without looking like Chris Hemsworth) would be put in an asylum. I expected him to be able to escape because they tried to give him electroshock therapy. A Taser is almost as good. It takes them until about Episode 4 to start getting into the supernatural, but they never really went that overboard with it. You kind of need to go supernatural when you start putting Outworld into it. The whole part of the story when Shao Kahn overthrows the king works well enough, but Shao Kahn also proved himself fairly stupid. Why would you send Kitana to kill her father if you’re trying to keep it a secret? There’s a huge chance one of them will recognize the other and unveil the whole thing.

The look of the show was solid, especially when you take into account the fact that it was made for YouTube and probably did not cost them a lot of money. Most of it was probably fairly practical until they started getting into the supernatural stuff, but the look kept up. And when it seemed they couldn’t afford the look they wanted, they supplanted it with a Kill Bill style animation that was still pretty awesome.

The action was fine, but it took a little too long to get there for my tastes. I mean, this show IS based on a fighting game, right? But it did eventually start into it, and I found it very satisfying.

I was pleasantly surprised by a lot of the cast for this show. They actually got some fairly decent sized names for something with such a low budget, and from what I’ve seen on Wikipedia, they got a few more. This season had Michael Jai White and Jeri Ryan, and next season adds Casper Van Dien and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa. Perhaps some names that some people wouldn’t recognize, but most are faces that they definitely would. But Van Dien replaces the guy that played Johnny Cage in this season, a guy named Matt Mullins. I thought he did an excellent job, so I’m not sure why you’d bother to replace him just because you can get a slightly bigger name, especially when that bigger name can’t possibly do the martial arts as well as Mullins did. And Johnny’s episode was actually fairly interesting for a character I have no interest in. I especially liked that Johnny Cage used to be a Power Ranger. The weirdest thing about the characters of this show was how long it took for them to introduce two of the biggest Mortal Kombat characters: Sub- Zero and Scorpion.

I would say that I definitely recommend Mortal Kombat: Legacy for a number of reasons. First, it’s an interesting, vaguely real world prequel to the Mortal Kombat series with some decent – albeit simple – writing to the story. Second, it looks pretty damned good and has some decent enough action in it. Third, they actually got some decent actors, and a few well-known ones. And finally, watching the entire series is shorter than most movies, coming in at about an hour and a half. So what could it hurt? Mortal Kombat: Legacy gets “Solid” out of “Toasty!”

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0001 – Mission Statement (2013)

Hey YouTube.  My Name is Robert, and I Review Stuff.

Today is going to be a quickie review, and a review of something I don’t usually review.  I haven’t gotten a lot of requests to review YouTube videos.  Well, technically, this video wasn’t requested either, but I felt it was necessary.  This guy just started posting videos on YouTube, and just posted his first video on Sunday.  Apparently, he’s going to do one every Sunday from now on.  And this mother fucker is trying to get in on my review game!  That’s what I do, baby!  Let’s see if this guy even deserves a YouTube channel as I review 0001 – Mission Statement by Robert Bicket at YouTube channel RobertReviewsStuff.

I loved this video!  I was surprised that I’d like it since this guy is totally trying to swagger jack me, but there’s a slight chance that he does this better than me.  How am I supposed to compete with this guy?  Have you watched the video?  Have you seen him?  He’s a good-looking son of a bitch!  You can’t even see my face here!  (I mean, that’s really more your problem than anything else)  But this is a simple YouTube video, but it shows promise of so much more.  I would say one major problem with the video is that the guy claims that he reviews stuff, but does not actually review anything in the video.  I assume that is something that is going to happen at some point in his bright future.  There are also a couple of parts to the video that indicate a certain lack of familiarity with his video editing software, but it’s his first video so I’ll give him a break.  I appreciate his self-defacing humor, his reference to a Twisted Sister song, and the ending makes me laugh every time.  But I would say that I’m perhaps a bit resentful of the fact that he hates reading, and that’s what I do!  I hope he’s not shitting on reading reviews, ‘cause that’s my bread and butter.  And what’s more is that he actually links to this website in his video!  I love this guy!

I love everything about the look of this video.  The backdrop he chose was great because it gives him a great credibility when it comes to reviewing movies since the entire background is a mere section of his DVD collection.  It does not really demonstrate any ability to review video games, but his alabaster complexion tells us all we need to know about his ability to review video games.  His wardrobe also deserves to be lauded.  Sure, it looks like a sweater that his sister probably got him for Christmas at some point, but I imagine that his sister has better taste in clothing than he does.  Not that he even needs them since he’s so friggin’ sexy that I would put down cold, hard cash to see this guy naked.  No homo.

So that’s it.  I totally recommend that you go to the YouTube channel of this “Robert Bicket” person and subscribe.  I probably shouldn’t have to tell you to like the channel because I assume you are a sane person and could not possibly dislike this video.  Sure, this first video doesn’t offer too much to the audience, but you should definitely subscribe because the videos will most definitely improve, even though you won’t believe that they could get better.  I give 0001 – Mission Statement “I WANNA ROCK!” out of “OR DID I?!  BUM BUM BUM!!!”

In all seriousness, this review was just my stupid way to tell you to go watch and “Like” my video, and don’t forget to subscribe.  Please leave comments telling me what you think and get this channel popular.  I had to really force myself to overcome my insecurities to put this video up in the first place (after having talked myself out of the channel about 20 times before the drop date) and it would do wonders to have people supporting me to keep doing this in the future.  Thanks in advance, Robert.

Let’s get these reviews more attention, people.  Post on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, MySpace if you just awoke from a coma, and whatever else you can to get as many eyes on these things as possible.  Follow my fanpage on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, and subscribe to my YouTube channel to keep on top of all things Robert.  And don’t underestimate the importance of some constructive criticism.  Rate these reviews, like the videos, and comment on both with anything you’d like to say.  And don’t forget to request things you want a review of.  LOVE YOUSE GUYS!!

Revlon Colorsilk Beautiful Color Hair Dye

Strong Enough for a Man, But Made for a Woman.

This is far and away the oddest review request that I’ve ever had, but it’s also helping me fix a problem I’ve had recently.  You see, I’ve gotten into a position where I find it difficult to review anything but movies recently, since they can generally be completed in 2 hours and reviewed in an additional couple of hours.  Trying to knock out one review per day while maintaining a mostly full time job can get a little difficult, and things that take many hours like a video game get left by the wayside.  But my site is called Robert Reviews STUFF, and it’s devolved into Robert Reviews Movies.  That doesn’t have the same ring to it.  Sure, I could review another video game or a TV show to overcome that problem, but the request I got is definitely something that you would not expect to find me reviewing.  And so, at the request of my Friendboss Josh, I bring you my review of ColorSilk hair dye, brought to me by Revlon and randomly grabbing something off of the shelf at a CVS.

Here’s the plot of this story for ya.  I’ve had gray hairs showing up since the age of 16.  Unlike the general reaction to gray hairs, I genuinely don’t care that my hair is going gray.  But, fairly often recently, I decide that I feel like I want to dye my hair.  I don’t have any particular reason for it.  I don’t care that my hair is gray as most people tell me it looks distinguished, and I like it because it comes in mostly on the sides, making me feel like it looks more like Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four.  But, even before my hair started getting gray, I always wished it was black … like my soul.  It just doesn’t look right for a brown-haired person to sit around listening to My Chemical Romance and cutting.  So I gave it a shot and I liked how it looked, so I’ve done it a few times at random since then.  This time happened because I went into a CVS looking for something that could repair scratched glass to see if I could extend the life of my watch.  Not being able to find that, I decided to grab hair dye instead.  And then, when I was at home, ::SPOILER ALERT::  I dyed my hair.  ::END SPOILERS::

I liked this dye.  It did its job and now my hair is a different color.  What I liked most about it is that it’s a more realistic black than I’ve been getting lately.  I actually got a talkin’-to at work because the dye I picked out, on more than one occasion, dyed my hair black, but with a strong hint of blue.  Is a hint still a hint if it’s strong?  Well, my job got the idea in its head that customers will not buy things from people with a forceful command of blue in their hair, leaving the looming threat of me having to prematurely re-dye my hair before the company went out of business because of my hair color.  They had already closed down 50 stores because of hair color, and I would have felt a twinge of regret if I had been the cause of everyone in my store losing their jobs.  Seriously, I would’ve gotten all choked up about it.  Might even have shed a tear if I weren’t so goddamned manly.

Speaking of which, I think this hair dye is for women.  I base that belief solely on the fact that there’s a woman on the front of the box and all of the pictures in the instructions were of women.  I didn’t really give a shit, personally.  Hair is hair, right?  Right!  It dyed both the hair on my head and the hair on my vagina with no complications.  Oh yeah, the carpets DO match the drapes.  The only complication this ladies’ hair dye caused was having to ignore the fact that it was telling me to part my short hair into four sections.  I don’t even know how I’d manage that.  I finally had to use wood clamps and super glue, but it worked admirably.  In all honesty, most of the hair dye I’ve purchased seemed to be mainly for women.  I don’t know why, but the Just for Men stuff doesn’t work to my liking.  I think that stuff is just to target the gray, but if I want my hair to be black (and my hair isn’t completely gray yet), then it’ll be brown with some black hairs in them.  I just want the whole thing to be black.  Seems easier and more normal that way.

The process is simpler, especially if you’re so graced as to be able to ignore what they tell you about separating your hair into sections.  You dump the one thing into the other thing and shake, then just dump that bad boy all over your hair and rub it in like you’re in an Herbal Essences commercial.  It comes with gloves, and I recommend that lest your hands turn black.  One thing I like to do that I didn’t see in the instructions is put a little Vaseline around your hair line so that you don’t accidentally dye your face.  The only hard part about that is keeping in stock with Vaseline.  I am single, after all.  I go through that stuff like crazy!  Then you just leave the stuff in your hair for 25 minutes and wash it out.  It also comes with a packet of After-Color Conditioner.  I don’t really know what this does or if it helps.  Just seems like shampoo to me.  But if this is truly meant for ladies, I don’t know how this would be enough conditioner for women.  I used the whole packet on my hair, and women mostly have quite a bit more hair than me.  That’s one point for me in the “Might not have emasculated myself by using this” category.

There are apparently safety instructions in this.  I probably should have read these before I used it as opposed to five days afterwards, but whatever.  My hair’s still here and the only itching I have is the usual one around my crotch.  Apparently you shouldn’t use this if you’ve had a negative reaction to getting a black temporary henna tattoo in the past, supposedly because this is basically black henna for your hair.  But the only reaction I’ve ever gotten from a henna tattoo is getting lots and lots of pussy, so I could ignore that.  Also, don’t use this on your eyelashes or eyebrows.  That could cause blindness.  If you want to use it on your eyelashes, instead ponder killing yourself because you’re dumb.  Also, this dye will not change the color of your actual eyes, so don’t try to dye them either.  “Always keep applicator tip pointed away from the face.”  They actually stole this line from the instruction manual for my .45 pistol.  Don’t ingest this thing either.  I know it tastes delicious and also makes your penis bigger and makes you lose weight, but don’t do it.  Even though it makes you smarter, better in bed, and everyone will like you, don’t ingest this.  “Don’t use if your hair is not in good condition.”  What’s that mean?  My hair just went through a pretty painful breakup, but it still works out every day.  Is that good condition?

So that’s my review of Revlon ColorSilk Beautiful Color, Brown Black edition.  It’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.  And you’re not any less of a man for using it.  I checked.  But my hair is now a different color, and any parts that aren’t are my own fault.  I don’t pay very much attention while I’m doing this.  Certainly not as much as I should for something that will be there until my hair grows it out.  But I like how it looks, I’ve gotten a few compliments on it, and I’m ready for all the flood of women that will inevitably follow.  What I really wonder is if anyone could’ve believed that I could write a 1,500 word review of hair dye.  Revlon ColorSilk Beautiful Color, Brown Black edition gets “I’m gonna get all the pussies now!” out of “Where’s my Vaseline?”

Let’s get these reviews more attention, people.  Post reviews on your webpages, tell your friends, do some of them crazy Pinterest nonsense.  Whatever you can do to help my reviews get more attention would be greatly appreciated.  You can also add me on FaceBook (Robert T. Bicket) and Twitter (iSizzle).  Don’t forget to leave me some comments.  Your opinions and constructive criticisms are always appreciated.

Fight Club

The First Rule of Fight Club is …

I’m sorry, but I cannot talk about this movie.  Happy April Fools Day, everyone!

Let’s get these reviews more attention, people.  Post reviews on your webpages, tell your friends, do some of them crazy Pinterest nonsense.  Whatever you can do to help my reviews get more attention would be greatly appreciated.  You can also add me on FaceBook (Robert T. Bicket) and Twitter (iSizzle).  Don’t forget to leave me some comments.  Your opinions and constructive criticisms are always appreciated.

The Games of 2011

2011 was not only about films, people.  Turns out, much to the surprise of everyone I know, I also played a lot of video games last year.  It’s what I do.  But, since games generally come in around $50 or $60 and movies can be watched for as low as a dollar, I did not play as many games, and I certainly know well enough to have avoided many of the bad games.  Thankfully, that also means this will probably be nowhere near as long as my film review, but I will also be able to say why I didn’t play the games I didn’t.  Let’s find out what 2011 did for video games.

UPDATE: Jesus!  I am not being facetious at all when I say that I’m shocked that this review turned out longer than my film reviews.  I know I’m uber-game-nerdy, but I watched so many damned movies this year I wouldn’t have seen it coming.  You’ve been warned, and you may skip to the end if you like.  I will not be offended.

JANUARY

LITTLEBIGPLANET 2

I did not play this game.  I played the first one and found it – and especially it’s tiny star, Sackboy – quite adorable.  The platforming was very well executed, but I had little to no interest in building my own levels, and that’s the draw of this game.  So, when they released the sequel, I chose not to purchase it.  They improved the platforming, added a lot of new creation tools, but I felt like I got the gist of the game, and thusly decided it was not worth my time.

MASS EFFECT 2

BioWare has RPG’s down to a science by this point, and they learned from the few shortcomings of the first Mass Effect game and improved them in the sequel, making combat a lot more interesting and involving without losing any of the RPG aspects that drew me in.  They added some new interesting characters, like the bald girl with a bad attitude, and gave you plenty of ways to interact with your team.  They also let you sex up the greater majority of the people on the Normandy.  My favorite part of Mass Effect 2 was that you could load your save file from Mass Effect and that would alter the environment in the sequel.  People would mention to you in conversation the choices you had made in the first game, and their effect on your current game.  The problem with this for me was that I had no idea whatsoever what choices I had made in the first game and what these people are talking about.  The third game is close to release, and I already have no idea what I did in Mass Effect 2.  But what I do know is that I will be playing Mass Effect 3.

DEAD SPACE 2

In my opinion, this is the hands-down, bar-none greatest survival horror game to date.  That’s right, I hope the back seat is comfortable, Resident Evil series.  The first game introduced us to their concept of space horror, but they amped it up completely for the sequel.  Dead Space 2 has fantastic controls, great graphics, tons of really creepy scenes and startling moments, and a great story.  I beat this game three times in the week it came out, partially for achievements but mainly just because it was great.  I even went back and played the first game right afterwards and, though I still enjoyed it, I mainly paid attention to how much better Dead Space 2 was.

FEBRUARY

BACK TO THE FUTURE: THE GAME

I bought this game from the Playstation Network based entirely on the fact that I’ve always wanted to spend more time in the Back to the Future universe.  The game itself was pretty mediocre, playing as a puzzle solving game with lots of somewhat boring walking around and talking to people, but what sold me on it was the fact that they got Christopher Lloyd and a pretty convincing Michael J. Fox imitator to do the voice acting for the characters.  I could only really recommend this game if you are a really big fan of Back to the Future and, like me, just wanted more than three films and a forgettable TV series.

MARVEL VS. CAPCOM 3: FATE OF TWO WORLDS

Marvel vs. Capcom has been my favorite fighting game forever, and this game only improved on that.  From what I gather from my Asian friend, TimKim, the combat mechanics are great, but what brought me to the game was the characters.  And more specifically, the Marvel ones.  I’ve always loved using Iron Man for his Proton Cannon, and I’m also very fond of the new introduction to the game, Deadpool, for his goofiness.  The thing that keeps me from truly loving this game is the same thing that holds me back from all fighting games: I suck at them.  I can be passable amongst normal humans, but superhuman Asians like TimKim will destroy me from the other room and with his back turned.  I lack the dedication to fighting games to play them enough to gain any degree of excellence at them, and you can’t really play online unless you’ve got some talent.  Playing solo gets boring fairly quickly, and so I did not enjoy this game as much as a dedicated fighting game person may.

BULLETSTORM

I pretty much only purchased this game because of the Gears of War 3 BETA, but then I forgot to play it.  Though that was not because this game was so good that I never got around to it, I just prefer waiting for the full games and I’m very forgetful.  Speaking of forgetful, Bulletstorm.  This game is a pretty standard first person shooter game that tacks on an interesting point system that awards you for stylish kills, like kicking someone into a giant Venus Flytrap.  The game looked good, played well, and had a vaguely interesting story, it just didn’t do anything superior enough to make it more memorable.

KILLZONE 3

I purchased this game shortly after it’s release with the idea to make good use of Killzone 3’s use of the Playstation Move and their rifle adapter.  I played for about 10 minutes, the Playstation Move kept needing to be recalibrated, and I stopped playing.  Ten months later, I figured I should give it another shot because I was doing reviews at that point and it seemed like a good game to review.  Then another game came out and I stopped playing it again.  I did beat it though.  It was thoroughly decent.  The shooting mechanics were good, they perhaps went to the vehicles a little too much, and I found the jetpack part pretty annoying.  The story was pretty by the books and not worth remembering.  It’s a decent shooter on the PS3, but it just can’t hold my attention.

MARCH

POKEMON BLACK AND WHITE

OMG I love these games.  It’s so mindless and repetitive, but so addicting to me.  As people that have seen my Xbox Gamerscore may attest to, I like to collect things.  So when you give me a game that I can play anywhere (that I still played in my house almost exclusively, but a lot at work as well) and spend my time exclusively collecting things and trying to ignore some lame attempt at story, I will stop that game timer with the amount of it I played.  After I got all of the creatures I could get from Pokemon White, I bought Pokemon Black and did it all over again.  If you can tolerate this type of game, it will certainly become a game that will give you your bang for your buck.  But people will probably (and justifiably) make fun of you.

DRAGON AGE II

BioWare takes Mass Effect and throws it into a swords and sorcery setting.  This was definitely a solid RPG, and one that should appeal to me more because I prefer swords and sorcery to space and shooting, but I just didn’t get the feeling that they spent enough time on this game.  It was somewhat immersive, but not nearly as deep as Mass Effect.  Also, I had many glitches come up in this game.  Textures wouldn’t load, characters’ bodies would disappear, the game would freeze, and achievements wouldn’t unlock in their first DLC.  Though they have probably fixed these problems by now, it left a bad taste in my mouth.  A solid game, but it falls short of greatness.

HOMEFRONT

I have literally no interest in this game.  From what I gather, it’s a mediocre shooter with a story of similar quality to the movie Red Dawn.  That’s not a good thing.  I’m still in the process of skipping it.

ASSASSIN’S CREED: BROTHERHOOD

I’ve loved the Assassin’s Creed series since back when it was known as Prince of Persia.  Why would I unleash such a sick burn on a game I really like?  Uncalled for, Robert.  I loved the Assassin’s Creed games when we were mainly playing as Altair and, though I liked the character slightly less, I enjoyed the game more when we jumped into Assassin’s Creed II and became Ezio Auditore de Firenze, mainly because the story and settings were so much better.  I liked that Nolan North (from the wonderful Uncharted series) was the voice of Desmond Miles, the present day character that jumps into the memories of his ancestors Altair and Ezio.  Brotherhood keeps us in the same time as Assassin’s Creed II, and keeps us with Ezio, but adds a lot of interesting things like your ability to recruit assassins to your cause and send them out on missions that gained them experience and made them level up.  And the surprise at the end of the game sticks with me still, though a lot of the story gets a little convoluted and confusing.  The gameplay keeps this game well within good times.

CRYSIS 2

Crysis made a name for itself by being so graphically advanced that the greater majority of computers could not handle it.  They still managed to fit this game onto consoles in Crysis 2, while still making it a graphical powerhouse.  It looked fantastic and had very decent shooting mechanics, but I never really enjoyed having to tell my suit to offer better defense or stealth.  It’s a very solid game, but entirely forgettable and easily ignorable.

APRIL

MORTAL KOMBAT

A lot of people were waiting with baited breath for the comeback of this franchise.  I wasn’t one of them.  I’ve already expressed that I can’t get into fighting games enough to enjoy them thoroughly.  I remember the characters, but none of them are that involving.  The game does have a really long story mode for a fighting game, but the story itself was never that interesting.  Combat mechanics were good, but I got bored very easily.  There are a lot of things to do in this game, but only fans of fighting games would actually get into it.

MAY

LEGO PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE VIDEO GAME

Such a shame that Loni will never make it through this many video game reviews to read me mentioning Johnny Depp.  He takes no part in this game, but it’s based on his movies.  That counts, right?  The LEGO games take well known properties such as Batman, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, and Harry Potter, turn them into LEGOs that never speak but still manage to convey the story, and make them entirely adorable.  The gameplay is really basic platforming with a little bit of building thrown in just because it’s a LEGO game, but I find the games quite enjoyable.  And LEGO Pirates was actually really good looking for the series.  This one and LEGO Harry Potter both use a lot of really good looking settings for such basic, LEGO characters.  Probably more entertaining for children, but I like ’em too.

FABLE III

These games should probably connect with me far more than they’ve been able to so far.  They’re decent little action RPG games with enjoyable gameplay.  It’s also got a good story with a good deal of humor in it.  The graphics are really great in a stylized way as well.  It just doesn’t suck me in as much as I want it to for some reason.  I may also have a bad taste in my mouth from the fact that you need to use multiplayer to collect all the weapons and get the achievement, and I was never able to do it.  It’s a really good game, but not quite a great game to me.

L.A. NOIRE

I have been burnt by Rockstar before.  I have never loved the Grand Theft Auto games (that made them famous) as much as the rest of the world seems to.  When Red Dead Redemption came out, I was completely on board, but when L.A. Noire came out, I refused to play it for a long time because it seemed like just another GTA.  Finally convinced to purchase it by a deal given to employees at my store, I bought and played it, and I’m so glad I did.  This was a pretty extraordinary game.  The story is involving and mature, and the gameplay (though entirely similar to GTA) is a lot more interesting because of our ability to use their facial capture technology to read people’s emotions in interviews with suspects.  The facial capture really worked well, and made parts of this game more like watching a movie than playing a game, but they could’ve spent a little more time on the rest of the characters bodies.  Regardless, this game is a fantastic achievement.

JUNE

INFAMOUS 2

I have also already reviewed this game.  I very much enjoyed returning to the world of Cole McGrath in InFamous 2, so much so that I dressed as Evil Cole for Halloween this year, just in case anyone doubted my nerdiness.  This game has a pretty involving story, and really good gameplay, but wall-climbing that cannot hold up to Assassin’s Creed.  The most fun part about them is the choices you can make, and that will most likely inspire you to play the game at least twice to see both sides.  But once you do so, there’s not a whole lot of replay value.  It’s still a completely solid game, and I really liked the ending.

ALICE: MADNESS RETURNS

It took so long to get to a game I had reviewed, but now they’re all up in this business.  A thoroughly mediocre game, Alice: Madness Returns takes the classic story of Alice in Wonderland and makes it cool and dark, but it quickly becomes a repetitive hack-and-slash game with a mediocre story.  The look isn’t even interesting all the way through as many levels just look dark and icky.  Not a horrible game, but not one that you need to play.

F.E.A.R. 3

Yet another game I have already reviewed, F.E.A.R. 3 has a really good story and makes great use of the overused slowing of time, made famous by Max Payne and the Matrix.  But it was still a very solid game and definitely worth playing.  The other half of that game really doesn’t deserve a play.  Playing as Point Man’s ghost brother doesn’t make sense, doesn’t change the story, and doesn’t need to be here.  He can be shot in ghost form, which makes being a ghost pointless, and it’s the exact same game as Point Man’s, but this time with a red tint.  Still, FEAR 3 is a solid game.

AUGUST

DEUS EX: HUMAN REVOLUTION

I reviewed this one too!  I found this game very satisfying.  I did play it 3 times, but mainly for the achievements.  I was never really bored with it.  I like that Deus Ex has taken the first person shooter and added a little depth to it by adding RPG aspects to it.  But I did feel like they needed a little more work on actually allowing people to play it as an action shooter.  He could never really take enough damage to run in and throw down, so I did almost everything in stealth.  The stealth kills were pretty satisfying though, but they get old as they get repeated so often.  The story was pretty interesting as well, but the main character’s voice grated on my nerves a little.

SEPTEMBER

GEARS OF WAR 3

The first really huge release of the year, Gears of War 3 did not disappoint.  I didn’t feel like the story was as emotional as it’s predecessor, and I also didn’t feel like the story lived up to my expectations, but it was still really good.  The ads for this game made me think that “Brothers to the End” meant that there would be an epic, emotional climax to the game, leaving all of your favorite characters dead and broken, but still successful in their endeavors.  Instead it kind of fizzled out at the end.  But the story is not why people play Gears, it’s the gameplay, which did nothing but work.  They made cover-based shooters, and then set the high bar with what it could do.  Adding in a few new modes to multiplayer left me playing Horde and Beast mode over and over again, and four-player co-op story mode gives you reason to go back to that.  Great game.

OCTOBER

RAGE

My full review has not yet arrived as I only finished this game about 3 days ago.  I was very excited for this game as it was made by the people that made Doom, and I’ve loved those games.  This game looked fantastic and was only vaguely open-world, allowing you to go around a somewhat open wasteland to complete your missions, giving you well done shooting mechanics and some vehicle combat.  The story is where this game fails.  It’s good, but never all that exciting.  And when the game ended, I was completely caught off guard because the ending seemed like every other minor mission.  I think this is a great game they forgot to finish.

JUST DANCE 3

I actually purchased this game, but I have no real desire to play it.  What attracted me to the game was it’s great art style and use of Kinect.  The song selections are pretty eclectic, coming from genres like disco, country, rock, pop, and techno.  I like this game, but I just don’t want to stand up to play it.

ROCKSMITH

It is only a matter of time before I purchase this game.  The reason I want the game is because it takes a Rock Band style of music game, but allows you to plug your actual guitar into it and (as it claims) actually teach you how to play guitar.  I can only vaguely play guitar now, and I know practice makes perfect, so I know that this game will (if nothing else) make me play my guitar more.  As fair warning, I will most likely stop doing reviews when I become the next Jimi Hendrix or Eddie Van Halen.  I’m sorry, fans.

BATTLEFIELD 3

I have been asked which way I was going to go so many times when it comes to Battlefield vs. Modern Warfare 3.  My response?  Stalemate.  I’m buying both.  And, though I waited for both to go on sale, I have purchased both.  Problematically, I’ve scarcely played Battlefield 3, and I’ve still not opened my Modern Warfare 3.  What I had played of Battlefield was definitely promising.  I like the teamwork aspects of being one of four classes that can assist the team in various ways, I like the destructible environments, and I like the vehicular combat (although every flight in a jet has resulted in a accidental water landing).  Unfortunately, I will only play online with friends, and I will practically never join my friends unless they ask me to.  I still enjoy the multiplayer of the game, and only time will tell on the single player.

NOVEMBER

UNCHARTED 3: DRAKE’S DECEPTION

This is how you can be a fantastic game but still be disappointing.  The story is still great, the acting is top notch, the settings are amazing, and they never take you out of the game with their cinematics as they flow with great fluidity between cinematics and parts that you control.  But they decided to fuck with that which did not require a fucking and messed up the shooting mechanics.  It made the game very frustrating to play, as I couldn’t land the crucial headshot unless it was accidental.  They may well have fixed this in a patch, but (as predicted in my review) I have not played it again since I got the Platinum trophy for it.  A fantastic game, but following Uncharted 2 with a step down makes me sad.

CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 3

I still haven’t played this one, so I haven’t much to say.  I found myself not as interested in buying this game, and instead went with Battlefield 3, because it was on sale and because I liked Bad Company 2 so much.  I would say this game didn’t interest me as much because Activision saturates the market too much with them, trying to deliver one per year, regardless of quality.  But I’ve heard lots of good things, so I still picked it up.  I will have to post my review once I’ve played it.  I view Modern Warfare as more of a one man army counterpart to Battlefield’s team dynamic.  Both are quality games generally, but I cannot say yet.

ASSASSIN’S CREED: REVELATIONS

I didn’t even know the put out two Assassin’s Creed games in the same year until I started writing this.  I am literally playing this game right now.  The graphics are still phenomenal, and climbing buildings and assassinating people is as satisfying as ever, but I sadly have not gotten far enough in the game yet for me to give it a complete review yet.  A certain game occupied far too much of the end of my year for me to play this game enough yet.

HALO: COMBAT EVOLVED ANNIVERSARY

Why do you exist?

SAINTS ROW: THE THIRD

I got this game for Christmas and, at first, was admittedly a little bummed out about it.  But then I started reading reviews for it and it seems like it’s supposed to be a good game.  The other Saints Row games were like a more humorous, but less awesome version of Grand Theft Auto, a game I’m not that fond of in the first place, but all signs point to this one being the same humorous games, but better executed.  Time will tell, but Rage and Assassin’s Creed definitely take priority.

ULTIMATE MARVEL VS. CAPCOM 3

Marvel vs. Capcom has been my favorite fighting game forever, and this game only improved on that.  From what I gather … wait a second.  Didn’t I write this review already?  Oh yeah!  Capcom is a money-hungry, rip-off machine.  Add a couple characters, charge another $40.  You know they’ll buy it!  And they did.  But I didn’t.  Get cheaper and I may, otherwise, do this shit in DLC, Capcom.

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: SKYWARD SWORD

Almost definitely the final, quality release for the Wii, I definitely want to get this game.  Unfortunately, my Wii is currently being used as a dust receptacle because I have zero desire to turn it on.  I literally have not turned it on since the release of Metroid: Other M (August of 2010).  I have heard mostly good things, and will certainly find out for myself eventually, but I think I’m bored of you, Nintendo.  Now release that new system and become the first console I have not purchased on release day since the 2000.

DECEMBER

STAR WARS: THE OLD REPUBLIC

No, I haven’t played this game either.  The problem with this game is that it threatens to trick me into playing an MMORPG again.  I tried World of Warcraft for a while, but I cannot be interested in a game that I cannot beat for that long.  But I’m really into Star Wars, and the game looks good and sounds good.  I’m fighting it, but I may eventually turn to the dark side.

THE WORST GAMES OF 2011 (AKA THE SHITTIES)

THIRD WORST

DUKE NUKEM FOREVER

I, as most gamers were, was very excited to see the return of a beloved video game character from my high school days in Duke Nukem Forever.  This game has been notoriously pushed back more than any game in history, but you would think that would mean they got it right.  Negative.  I really want to play the whole game for some self-destructive reason, but thusfar I have only played the demo and read the reviews.  My assessment: it sucks.  Duke Nukem is no longer entertaining as he was to my pubescent mind; now he’s just sad.  As are his gameplay mechanics.  You let me down, Duke.  They turned you into a pile of Duke.

Just wanted to mention, that piece of shit Jesse is the reason this game is not the worst game of 2011.  You could have earned a much deserved Shitties award, Duke, were it not for Jesse.  I began to regret my decision to give a game worst game of the year when I had only played the demo because of him, but you I will eventually play you and prove that you were the worst.

RUNNER-UP

X-MEN: DESTINY

I was disappointed, but not surprised.  An incredibly uninspired game, X-Men: Destiny came out under my radar.  I had heard about it only once before it hit the shelves, but I was still looking forward to it just because it was an X-Men game.  I knew it wasn’t going to be what I wanted, and it wasn’t.  It was a really repetitive hack-and-slash game with the faintest of RPG thrown in for picking their powers.  I thought it would be great to get to be my own X-Man in a game, and it would be, but it just wasn’t here.

AND THE LOSER, BUT WINNER OF THE 2011 VIDEO GAME SHITTIES

BRINK

It took all the way up until May before the first one of these games that I reviewed came out?  And what a game it was!  LAME!  They got everybody interested with their trailer that seemed to promise great action, amazing multiplayer, and seamless use of free-running parkour in a first person shooter.  They failed to deliver on any of these levels.  The action was uninteresting throughout, I couldn’t even play the multiplayer because I tried it late and everyone was bored and finished by the time I got to it, and the “seamless” parkour caused me to walk strongly into walls on more than one occasion.  Also, the AI in the game was not interested in you until you shot them a few dozen times.  A great idea that was just not executed.

The message that should be taken away from Brink is that you should not spend more time on your trailer than you do on the game.  When your trailer is so amazing and your game is so mediocre (Think DC Universe) your game will take a greater hit than it would if it just came out as a mediocre game.  Don’t set our expectations that high if you’re not going to deliver.

THE BEST GAMES OF 2011 (AKA THE ROBBIES)

THIRD BEST

PORTAL 2

Portal 2 is one of the most clever games that you can play.  They take the simplest concept of being able to fire two different colors of holes into a wall, and then being able to walk through them to solve puzzles, and then makes the puzzles very ingenious to solve, adds some goo that allows you to run faster or jump higher, and adds in a basic but hilarious story with hilarious characters trying to kill you, with the voices of Ellen McLain as GLaDOS and Stephen Merchant as Wheatley.  Then, you throw in a great multiplayer storyline as well.  Each one of the stories is so much longer than I expected them to be for what is essentially a puzzle game, but I never got bored, even in the slightest.

Just to mention it, there was a gigantic mental war going on over here over whether the three hole would go to Portal 2, Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, or L.A. Noire.  L.A. Noire deserves a mention for is innovative gameplay and awesome facial capture.  Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood deserves a mention because it’s an Assassin’s Creed game and I love them.  Dead Space 2 could have easily been here as well, but it’s been so long since I played it and, though it’s amazing, I just couldn’t confidently put it in the lead.  But Portal 2 gets the spot because it’s too clever and too funny to be a game, but it is and it’s great.

RUNNER-UP

BATMAN: ARKHAM CITY

There was a time when “Batman game” was a curse word in the gaming community.  They took DC’s greatest hero and ruined him in shitty game after shitty game.  Then came Arkham Asylum, a fantastic game that let you be Batman like no other game could, and making it reminiscent of Metroid by unlocking new abilities over time that then allowed you to access new areas.  Arkham City could not POSSIBLY surpass this game, could it?  Yes.  This game was amazing!  Take the same kind of game and throw you into a huge expanse of Gotham City, allowing you to live the life of the Bat in Chris Nolan-esque darkness.  Take the sometimes gimmicky Batman characters and make them dark and real as the movies had done with such success.  Couple that with super tight and super satisfying combat, and you have a win.  Add in some nice fun collectables that actually inspire you to look for them, plenty of side missions that could be almost as interesting as the main story, and slightly lower that with the addition of the attractive, but not as fun Catwoman, and you have yourself one amazing experience.

Most years, it would be no question in my mind that a game as fun and awesome as this one would be my number one.  But this was not just any year.  Another game came out this year that you all may be noticing has not been mentioned yet.

AND THE WINNER OF THE 2011 VIDEO GAME ROBBIES

THE ELDER SCROLLS V: SKYRIM

Does it REALLY shock anyone that knows me that this would be my game of the year?  Not even the Pokemon games could give me so many hours of gameplay for only $60 dollars.  For the $70 dollars I paid to get both Pokemon games, I still cannot imagine I put in 350 hours in so few days, and I definitely can say I didn’t enjoy it as much.  The devastating effects of Skyrim update 1.2 notwithstanding, I loved this game.  After 1.3 fixed everything 1.2 screwed up, I started a new character and invested at least another 100 hours getting the rest of my achievements.  The environment is huge and every little thing seems to have a mission tied to it.  You can start new characters all the time and play your game in a way that will make it feel completely different.  My first character reached level 76 as a super powerful SpellSword, master of almost all skills.  My second character was strictly a master assassin, and only reached level 35, but could kill almost anything in one hit if I could sneak up on it, and I could sneak up on almost anything.  The first was a good guy, the second … not so much.  I tended to kill a little more indiscriminately.  The graphics are way better than you should be able to see in a game that runs so smoothly and is so gigantic.  And what can top single-handedly taking out an enormous dragon?  Not much.

There is no way I could not make this game my game of the year.  I played the living shit right out of this game, and finally had to loan it to a friend just so I wouldn’t try to start another character, even though I have all of the achievements in the game.  I even loaned him the strategy guide, but he has my phone number, and thusly access to a much better strategy guide.  Bethesda tried to avoid being my game of the year with update 1.2, but changed their mind and released 1.3 so that I could not stop myself from making it my game of the year.

The Films of 2011

As my first partial year of reviews comes to a close, I decided that I should sum the year up for my loyal audience. Today, I review all the films released in 2011 that I saw and tell you what my favorite of the year was. I’ll probably keep it to pretty much only what came out in theaters in 2011, and some of them I may not even have officially reviewed yet, but they will be short reviews of about a paragraph describing what I liked or didn’t like about the movie. I may even talk about some of the movies I didn’t see and why. Let’s get right into this review of the films of 2011.

UPDATE: Having just finished writing these and realizing that I’ve apparently seen way too many movies that came out in 2011, I would like to tell you that this is a super long post, but the reviews are all fairly short. I would just skip through and see if you want to know my opinion about any of the movies, but the real meat will be at the end where I just have my three best and three worst movies of the year. If you read the whole thing, thank you for you dedication and I’m sorry for mine.

JANUARY

SEASON OF THE WITCH

Oh yeah, I saw this. And it was every bit as bad as you might expect. I recall pretty solidly bad performances from Robert Reviews Stuff favorite, Nicholas Cage, and the rest of the cast. And this movie was totally not filmed in witch season, as there was only one “witch” that was pretty much just a demon in a woman’s body and not what I would classically think is a witch. It’s so much work to go through all the trouble of getting a hunting license just to find out that you got a license to hunt witches but only one was in the area. Bummer. And for that reason, you may skip this movie with my blessing. Go with God.

THE DILEMMA

I know I saw this, but I can only barely remember the thing. There were a couple of funny parts, but it turns hardcore drama at the end and took me right out of the movie. Vince Vaughn and Kevin James play characters that they always play, and they don’t have a lot of funny things to say, nor funny things happening to them. And then it turns all drama-y at the end. It does have good eye candy in Winona Ryder and Jennifer Connelly though, and is probably the only tolerable Channing Tatum performance I have seen. You don’t need to watch this one either.

THE GREEN HORNET

Seth Rogen also plays the same character he’s usually playing, but he’s pretty funny. Jay Chou brings a good deal of decent action to his role as well. Cameron Diaz used to be hot, but I’ve not found myself interested in her in a good long time. Probably since The Mask; the pinnacle of her hotness in my opinion. And Christoph Waltz is way too good of an actor to have been in this movie. But this movie was not that bad. Decent action, a couple of good laughs. You wouldn’t kill yourself for watching this one.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

The first of these three identical movies I saw, and probably the second best one. Natalie Portman is gorgeous, and comes very close to being naked in the movie, but is dragged down a lot by her costar Ashton Kutcher. It’s also a comedy for the first bit and pretty dramatic at the end, and though Portman can hold her own against Kutcher in the comedy department, Kutcher cannot match Portman on drama. You don’t need to watch this movie, but you might not hate it.

FEBRUARY

SANCTUM

Probably James Cameron’s least successful movie, but also one of his best looking, next to Avatar. It’s about a dude in a cave with his son and two other people and a storm causes a cave in and they have to try to find the backdoor of the cave. Pretty good acting, really pretty settings, and it’s filmed very well. The story is not that bad either. I found this movie on Red Box, and if it’s still there, I doubt you’ll be that disappointed if you watch it. Take a look.

GNOMEO & JULIET

I already did a review of this, and I really have no idea what I said. Romeo and Juliet turned garden gnomes. It was cute, but kind of pointless, and with a pretty good voice cast. You probably don’t want to watch this movie for yourself, but if you have kids you may not be that pissed about having to watch it.

JUST GO WITH IT

Adam Sandler doesn’t really do good movies anymore, does he? This is the one where he talks his nurse Jennifer Aniston into acting like his ex-wife to get Brooklyn Decker to want to have sex with him, but he ends up falling in love Jennifer Aniston. It’s not very funny, but you get to see lots of Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker, and Nicole Kidman in bikinis. I still don’t think it’s worth watching.

JUSTIN BIEBER: NEVER SAY NEVER

Don’t you never tell me what never to do, Justin Bieber. …NEVER! I actually did watch this movie with my friend Mike, but I don’t remember hating it as much as I think I should have. It’s like a little documentary about the rise to fame of a young girl named Justin Bieber mixed in with a concert of some shitty songs. I hate his music, so it didn’t hold much appeal to me, but the movie wasn’t horrible. I would say don’t watch it unless you want to make jokes about it, or if you’re a really big fan of the Biebs. But if you are, I don’t want you reading my reviews anymore.

CEDAR RAPIDS

I expected a pretty good deal from the cast of this movie, but it just didn’t deliver. I like Ed Helms, John C. Reilly, Anne Heche, Sigourney Weaver, and Tom Lennon a lot, but I just didn’t think any of this movie was that funny. You get to see Anne Heche either naked or almost naked, if that’s something that would appeal to you. But it’s just not funny enough to recommend.

I AM NUMBER FOUR

I reviewed this movie AND watched it twice, which no one should ever do because it’s not a good movie. I remember thinking this could’ve been a pretty awesome TV show for the Nickelodeon generation, but as a movie you’re thrown off by mediocre performances and a story that adds superpowers to it’s stars whenever it writes itself into a corner. You can skip this movie as well.

HALL PASS

The whole thing is based around a concept that would never work ever. Wives giving their husbands free pass to fuck around on them for a weekend so they can go out and find out they’re not nearly as desirable as they thought. It doesn’t go well, but there’s a happy ending. A happy ending, but a sadness in the fact that Jason Sudikis, Jenna Fischer, and Christina Applegate are so good normally, but they picked a script that wasn’t funny. Skip it.

MARCH

RANGO

This was actually a pretty cute, decently funny little animated movie about a chameleon that gets lost in the desert and comes upon a disheveled town of small rodents, then becomes their sheriff. I don’t know why I went into this thinking Johnny Depp couldn’t be funny because I’ve seen him be funny before, but the movie surprised me. I grant that I went in with low expectations, but the movie gets my kudos for surpassing them. Check it out, especially if you have kids.

BATTLE: LOS ANGELES

I saw this movie having no idea what it was about. Aliens attack LA. There’s your premise. But there was a pretty good deal of action, a nice gritty look, and decent performances. I liked this movie.

PAUL

I make no secret of my undying love for Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. This movie doesn’t change my feelings. I also like Kristen Wiig, Seth Rogen, Jason Bateman, and Sigourney Weaver quite a bit. This movie definitely doesn’t waste it’s cast. The story of two English nerds finding, and attempting to save, an alien could have been funnier, but it was still funny enough to be worth a watch.

SUCKER PUNCH

How disappointing could a movie about really hot chicks kicking a lot of ass be? THIS DISAPPOINTING! There are indeed a lot of really good looking ladies in Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jamie Chung, Jena Malone, and Vanessa Hudgens, and even a little Jon Hamm for the ladies, and it delivers a good amount of really awesome action scenes, but the rest of the movie is mopey, nihilistic boringness. It’s probably worth at least one viewing for fellas, but ladies probably won’t be interested at all. This movie should’ve been so much more appealing than it was, but it wasn’t that great.

APRIL

SOURCE CODE

I only vaguely remember watching this thing. Jake Gyllenhaal is a soldier put in a machine that sends him back to a certain time for a limited time only and he has to find out what happened after an explosion on a train. It’s a pretty interesting take on time travel with a nice twist ending and a good deal of tension and action. I kind of liked this movie, so I say check it out and tell me if I’m remembering it wrong.

SUPER

I reviewed this movie as well, and I REALLY liked this movie. So much so that I bought it on BluRay shortly after my first viewing. It’s like a much darker version of Kick-Ass with Rainn Wilson and Ellen Page in it. Watch this thing.

ARTHUR

The first movie I reviewed on this site was a remake of a classic comedy I still haven’t seen. It was much better than I expected, with a fair deal of funny parts in the movie and some well done drama at the end. I hate Russell Brand, but I still think this movie isn’t as bad as I had heard it was.

HANNA

My sister asked me to watch this movie, and it included a good deal of action, some pretty good fights, and a decent enough story, but the whole movie just didn’t make anything of an impression on me. I think you won’t hate it if you watch it, so I recommend you do so that you can remind me what it’s about, because it’s pretty forgettable.

RIO

A bird finds love in the place where it least expected it, but the audience saw coming from a mile away. It’s not that bad beyond the pointless, irrelevant musical numbers. Good for kids, but easily passable for adults.

SCREAM 4

If you start watching this horror movie about 10 minutes in, you may be able to avoid the 4 false-starts that still piss me off to this day. It’s not that bad, but I’m entirely bored with the Scream franchise and think they should just stop before they reach Saw amounts of embarrassing. You can watch this, but make a sandwich after you hit play and come back oblivious to the ass-raping they give to the people that watched it.

DYLAN DOG: DEAD OF NIGHT

One of my earlier reviews, this one has Brandon Routh and Sam Huntington as paranormal investigators, and as the only decent performances in the movie. They did some interesting things with Huntington’s character, but it was few and far between, and the rest of the plot was ill-conceived. It was based on a comic book that (if this movie is any indication) you can not read. No reason to watch this movie.

FAST FIVE

Not my favorite movie of the year by a long shot, but certainly the one that surprised me the most. I went in knowing that I should not look for good performances (PAUL WALKER!), but Dwayne Johnson did good work. The story didn’t make a lot of sense in parts, but that’s not why you’d watch this. The action is pretty fantastic. Unrealistic, over the top, but fantastic. Definitely worth a watch.

MAY

THOR

My opinion of any comic book movie has to be weighed against my extreme nerdiness, but I kind of liked Thor. I was unfamiliar with the character, but the story did a good job of getting me informed, and keeping me entertained with action. I liked all of the performances, and the movie had a fantastic, epic look to it. I would say it’s greatest failing point is that they did more talking than fighting, and one fight in the middle that should have been epic was over too quickly. I still recommend it.

BRIDESMAIDS

This movie is basically the female-friendly version of The Hangover. I love Kristen Wiig and Rose Byrne, and I’m fond of Maya Rudolph as well, but it was a person I had never seen before in Melissa McCarthy that sold me on this movie. She just came in to deliver hilariousness and left. I don’t think I’d call the movie overall hilarious, but I’m also a fella. There are still a couple parts in this movie that you cannot help but laugh out loud at, no matter your gender. I enjoyed the movie a great deal, but I think women are the ones that will love it.

PRIEST

Some really good looking settings and creatures, and some really good looking Maggie Q, did not save this movie. There were a couple good action things, but they were too spread out by pretty uninteresting story points. You can skip this.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES

Easily the worst Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and that should come as no surprise. I loved all three of the original Pirates movies, and would rather this one not have existed. Nothing super interesting in the action elements, Jack Sparrow wasn’t as charming to me, and even Penelope Cruz didn’t do anything for me. I’m sure they’re making another one, and I hope they take it seriously and try not to fuck it up. You can skip this as well.

KUNG FU PANDA 2

This movie had no reason to be made. I really liked the first movie for it’s decent amount of comedy, good story, and overall entertaining feel of the movie. The second one wasn’t bad, but it took steps down in all of those categories. It’s still decent, and kids will like it, but have them watch the first one instead. They won’t know any better.

JUNE

SUPER 8

I really thought this movie should’ve resonated with me a lot more than it did. I love J.J. Abrams, I love Steven Spielberg, and it was a decent movie, but it just couldn’t reach awesome status. Good action, good story, great performances by the kids, but it was so heavily “almost there” for reasons I can’t even put my finger on.

CARS 2

This is a sequel to the worst Pixar movie available. Cars wasn’t awful, but it was mediocre amongst a plethora of awesome animated features. Take the step down most sequels take, add that to the giant step down Disney sequels take, and you have this movie. Not funny, not interesting. Your kids will like it, but they’re stupid. Don’t bother with this movie.

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

My opinion of this movie may take a hit because of the fact that I was forced to watch this movie in 3D, and I hate 3D. But this movie was still a pretty enjoyable big dumb action flick. Shia LeBeouf is enjoyable, even though I feel like I really want to hate him. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is definitely hot (pushed up a notch or two because of her accent), but still a step down in hotness from Megan Fox. She is, however, not a twat, so I liked her more. John Malkovich was also an interesting, if underused, character. You know Michael Bay can do big dumb action, and he does. But this time he doesn’t have two annoying (and racist) Autobots running around the movie, nor does he have testicles on a character that is supposed to be intimidating. Overall, I enjoyed it. Certainly better than the second movie.

JULY

ZOOKEEPER

I know I shouldn’t have watched it. I knew every time I saw it on RedBox that I shouldn’t watch it. I even knew when I was watching it that I shouldn’t be watching this. I was right. It wasn’t funny for more than a minute of the movie, and Rosario Dawson and Joe Rogan are the only performances in the movie worth a damn. I don’t need to tell you not to watch this, do I?

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS – PART 2

This movie picked up where it’s predecessor failed by keeping the plot moving throughout with good action, good story, and some great performances. I just reviewed these movies a week ago, but I’ll recommend them all, and especially this one. A great ending to the series, though I still kind of wish it wasn’t over yet.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

Marvel just keeps pumping them out, don’t they? And all three of them are so much better than the only DC movie that came out. I found this one particularly entertaining. I like the quasi-futuristic period film style of the movie, I like that they made Chris Evans into a scrawny fuck for the first portion of the movie and then let him be big hunk of meat Chris Evans for the remainder, allowing him to whoop some ass in great action scenes to help the great story. It starts off a little slow, but once it gets going, it doesn’t slow down. Really good comic book flick.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Another friend fucking movie, and another previously reviewed film. Probably the best of the three, this was a pretty charming movie due mainly to it’s stars, Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, and to some good writing. It starts off strong, but kind of lost my interest around the sex scenes in the middle (though possibly because I was too busy staring at Justin Tim…Mila Kunis). It goes a little drama, but thankfully not that much. Enjoyable, but perhaps easily a movie you can miss.

COWBOYS & ALIENS

A super forgettable little action romp. It starts off pretty strong and interesting, but gets kind of slow and boring after the first big alien attack. I appreciate them trying to work with the fairly ridiculous premise, but it was too little action for a movie that didn’t have much else to offer. Olivia Wilde is hot though.

THE SMURFS

Nowhere near as bad as I expected going in, but still a little annoying and pointless. No one was asking for the return of the Smurfs, and this movie showed us why. It had a couple of funny parts, mainly because of Neil Patrick Harris, and a couple of sweet moments and a nice little message to the movie, but overall it’s still a miss. Just nowhere near as big of a miss as I thought going in.

ATTACK THE BLOCK

A pretty nice little movie from out of Merry Old England, it tells the story of aliens attacking a block. Little gang banger kids have to defeat them, and learn a lesson about karma hidden in an alien pheromone. The aliens were super well done and freaky, it was pretty funny when it wanted to be, and was overall very interesting. Check it out.

AUGUST

THE CHANGE-UP

It starts off as juvenile and as disgusting as it can, and the story is as predictable as it is overused, but this movie won me over by the end of the movie. It had enough laughs to make it worth the watch, and I’m always a big fan of Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman, even if they do poor impressions of each other. Olivia Wilde is in this as well, and she’s still hot. In fact, she gets naked in this movie, if I recall correctly. …Which I don’t because it was a body double. But you can forget that little piece of information and enjoy that. It’s a decent enough movie anyways.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

Don’t be frightened by their overuse of the words “of” and “the”, this is a solid movie. I really liked this movie when it came out in theaters and went right out to buy it when it came out on BluRay. I haven’t had time to rewatch it since the theaters, but I remember liking it a lot. Really good story, great acting (especially from Andy Serkis as Caesar the ape), and some good action to boot.

THE HELP

A movie that probably wanted to be really meaningful and make a strong point, but it’s hard to find it as significant when I was not alive when these kind of events were going down. It was fairly charming, and had some really good performances from Viola Davis and Bryce Dallas Howard, but it just didn’t have the impact I assumed it might have. Worth a watch, but I wouldn’t expect a nomination for it.

30 MINUTES OR LESS

I really didn’t want to watch this movie, but I was forced to by a review request. My review has been up for it, so it’s no surprise that I’m saying I didn’t like this movie. Not only did I go in being annoyed by the fact that it was so clearly based on a real man’s death, but the people involved in the movie wouldn’t admit it, but it also wasn’t very funny. Three of the four starring characters are nothing of a draw for me. Jesse Eisenberg is a fine actor and good in some things, but he can get tedious. I don’t like Aziz Ansari. And, of course, Danny McBride is losing steam with me in a big bad way. Nick Swardson, as usual, is the most funny person in a movie, but he couldn’t save this movie.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

Conan the Barbarian? Oh I loved that movie! Arnie at his finest and … what? Oh, the remake. No, it’s not good. Few action scenes, bad dialogue, weird grunting noises spurted out at random during fights, and bad performances. I recall boobs though. Still, don’t watch this movie.

OUR IDIOT BROTHER

One of the biggest comedy let downs of the year for me (from what I hear, mainly because I didn’t see Hangover Part 2). I goes in expecting a funny, laugh out loud, broad comedy, but instead it’s more like a drama with a few mild chuckles. I love the main four actresses (Elizabeth Banks, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, and Rashida Jones) and the main actor (Paul Rudd), but there was almost no funniness to be found here. T.J. Miller is the only one able to get a laugh out of me in this flick.

SEPTEMBER

RED STATE

Red State will be mentioned later in this review, but I didn’t want it to go without notice that I did watch a movie in September.

OCTOBER

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

Very similar to the other two Paranormal Activity movies, but technically superior. I would say I liked the first PA movie more because it was the one that introduced the concept, but this is the one with the best story and the best thrills. I definitely recommend checking this movie out, if for no reason more than three of the ghost gags that are coming to mind.

NOVEMBER

IMMORTALS

My inherent love of Greek mythology did not save this movie from overall mediocrity. The writing was fair, and the action scenes were outstanding when they happened, but there were too few of them and spaced out too far for a movie with fairly middling acting. The look was pretty great throughout as well. If it had been written better, I would feel so much more confident in recommending it, but now I can only meekly suggest that maybe … y’know, if you want … maybe you could like, I don’t know, watch it maybe … ?

DECEMBER

I ain’t seen none of them yet, but I really wanted to watch Sherlock Holmes and MI: Ghost Protocol. I even kind of want to see War Horse, but I just haven’t yet. And that absolutely ruins my streak of having seen at least one movie each month this year. DAMNIT!

THE WORST FILMS OF 2011 (AKA THE SHITTIES)

THIRD WORST

GREEN LANTERN

Remember what I said about comic book movies and weighing my opinion of them? Weigh them with this: This movie sucked. I really like Ryan Reynolds, but I admittedly have no affection for any DC comic character besides Batman. I can still appreciate a DC movie if it’s well made, but this was Green Lantern. Ryan Reynolds was charming (as he typically is), but this movie didn’t have any action that did anything for me, and the CG was pretty lame. You don’t need to watch this movie. I had heard so much talk about this movie not shaping up well before it came out, but I did my best to keep in high spirits about the movie, and that’s why I was so disappointed when I watched it.

RUNNER-UP

YOUR HIGHNESS

A piss-poor excuse for a comedy with Danny McBride playing every character Danny McBride has ever played, plus an English-ish accent. The humor is beyond juvenile. The only reason to watch this movie at all is because Natalie Portman gets into a thong and bikini, and there’s a nice body on that one. There were some non-Portman boobs as well. But that can be found in a Google search, so don’t pain yourself with the rest of this movie.

AND THE LOSER

DRIVE

A movie I have not been able to stop hearing about, and possibly the worst movie I watched all year. It’s like an action movie that was handed to some pretentious, hipster, art school student. Ryan Gosling puts on a weird jacket and forgets how to have conversations with people, leaving us to enjoy the shitty, techno/80’s soundtrack. It’s not until the end that a little bit of action wakes me up. The rest of this movie is almost unbearably slow, and the dialogue was practically not there. So much time was spent with characters that should have been talking just staring at each other, probably wondering why the teleprompter was broken. And practically no one in this movie decided they wanted to emote for the audience. I’m guessing the director probably roofied the cast and decided to film while he waited for rapin’ time.

If you watch this movie, do so knowing I hate it and will want to dissect your brain to figure out why if you tell me you liked it. This was the only movie in recent memory that actually caused me to look at the person I went to the movies with thinking “Is this movie fucking serious?”

THE BEST FILMS OF 2011 (AKA THE ROBBIES)

THIRD BEST

INSIDIOUS

I’ve done a review for this one, but I would like to take this time to repeat that I really like this movie. It’s the kind of horror movie I like, with a lot of tension and little to no gore. It looked really good, and had plenty of subtle little scares and pop out and scare you scenes that I was getting really freaked out in the theater by myself. Rose Byrne and Patrick Wilson are really good in it, and the movie is executed very well. I’ve already told you to watch this. Why haven’t you?

RUNNER-UP

RED STATE

I had heard Kevin Smith talking this movie up so much on Smodcast that certainly there was no way it could live up to it, right? WRONG! I loved this movie. Granted, I wasn’t as big a fan of the ending, and I do prefer Smith’s comedies, but this was still a great movie. The story was fantastic, the action was exciting, and the performances were the best I’ve ever seen from a Kevin Smith movie. It also looked drastically different from every other Kevin Smith movie, and you probably wouldn’t even know it was his movie unless you knew already or recognized his wife. Definitely a movie to check out. It would have won best movie of the year were it not for …

THE WINNER

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS

Coming out in June, I took this movie as “Happy Birthday to you, Robert!” June is a month for awesomeness. First it gives you guys the greatness of me, then they give you X-Men: First Class. Maybe a few more awesome things too, but I’m not going to look that up. First Class easily breaks into the lead of the pack in the X-Men movies that I was already really fond of (because I call X-Men Origins simply by Wolverine so that it cannot tarnish the X-Men name). In a year with three really good Marvel movies, this one jumps to the front of the pack with great action, great story, and great performances by Michael Fassbender, James McAvoy, Kevin Bacon, and pretty much everybody on the screen except for January Jones, who kicked Emma Frost in the vagina. She looked the part really well, but just could not be bothered to participate in the film. Thankfully, she was a fairly small part in the movie, which allows this movie to still claim the title of my favorite movie of the year.

In the beginning …

In the beginning, God created man, animals, movies, beef jerky, video games, the One Ring, and women…IN THAT ORDER.

That ridiculousness aside, allow me to inform you as to the purpose of this here blog.  At the moment, I find myself in a state of being 28-years-old and displeased with the general state of life.  My goal in life is to review video games for a magazine and I’ve been trying to go to school for that, reaching the usual problem of price.  I cannot afford school therefore I do not go to school, therefore I have no degree, and therefore I get to whine a lot.

So, one friend of mine decided she’d get a blog on this here site and shortly after another friend suggested that, if I want to review things for a living, I may as well start now, get myself up to snuff as it were.  And that is the purpose of this blog site … thingie.

Now, as I’ve minor experience blogging in the past, I’ve learned what I’d like to do, and what I’d hate to do.  What I’d hate to do most here is to continue my MySpace blogging style of “Woe is me”.  Instead, I’d like to focus more on reviews.  I find myself watching a great deal of movies (especially since I recently found the glory of the Red Box) and playing a great deal of video games, often at the same time.  That being the case, I shall start putting my thoughts on movies and video games here for the world to see.  But, more importantly, I will put them here whether the world sees them or not.  Other people be damned!  Also, if anything I find amusing comes to mind, I may put that here as well, under the ruse that it is a review of something.  Take that, restriction-I-arbitrarily-put-on-myself!

With that being said, on to the reviews, and to Hell with your reviews of them!