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Arbeit Macht Frei
Today is a wonderful day. Not because I’m watching the third movie in this series directed by Uwe Boll, but because I am soon to be finished watching these movies. At least I hope so. I really don’t want to have to watch BloodRayne 4. Well, to be fair, I didn’t really want to watch the other three either. I just wanted to make fun of them. Just like the second one, I had not seen the third BloodRayne movie before I decided to review it, so we may be shocked together. But probably not. Here is BloodRayne: The Third Reich, written by Michael Nachoff, directed by Uwe Boll, and starring Natassia Malthe, Michael Paré, Clint Howard, Brendan Fletcher, Steffen Mennekes, Willam Belli, and Annett Culp.
Half human, half vampire Dhampir Rayne (Natassia Malthe) attacks a Nazi train carrying people to death camps, inadvertently assisting a resistance group lead by Nathaniel (Brendan Fletcher). In the process, she gets shot in the arm and kills Commandant Ekart Brand (Michael Paré), drinking his blood to heal from the wound. Lt. Kaspar Jaeger (Steffen Mennekes) finds him, already turning to a vampire, and takes him back to monitor him. Jaeger brings in a scientist that specializes in vampire research for the Nazis named Doctor Mangler (Clint Howard). Brand starts becoming a vampire with similar resistances to Rayne’s and they start getting the idea to make Hitler immortal. Rayne and the resistance take it upon themselves to stop this from happening.
This is the best piece of shit in the trilogy, but it’s still a piece of shit. I was happy to see that they finally decided to make a story that had something to do with the game that offered its name to the series, but I was also unsurprised to find that the story still sucks. The entire premise of the movie pissed me off. Rayne’s ability to go out in the daylight was not transmitted to her from a bite. According to these movies, it’s something she got from absorbing the eye in the first movie. In the game, I believe it was because she was born of a human impregnated by a vampire. Since neither of those things happened to Brand, there is no reason that the immunity would get transferred to him. He’d be a vampire, sure. And he could make Hitler a vampire, yes. And that would be a bad thing, absolutely. So there was obviously no reason to make him anything special when it didn’t make sense. Another thing that didn’t make sense about it was the fact that Rayne, who has been a vampire for more than two centuries, would make a rookie mistake like feeding on someone and not killing him so he wouldn’t return as a vampire. And why is the scientist that is supposedly the expert on vampires stupid enough to get into a cage with a vampire because she acted like she wanted to fuck him? I don’t even call myself a vampire expert and I know that much. The ending held a lot of shit that pissed me off too, but I won’t bother with the spoiler alerts. The biggest spoiler would be watching this movie. That’d spoil your day. Rayne and the resistance walk into a trap and get captured. In the back of the truck on their way to death, Rayne and Nathaniel decide it’s time to fuck. That’s so dumb I don’t even have a joke for it. Or for the fact that it got started because Nathaniel started groping her while she was unconscious, which I think most women don’t get aroused by. Then, the rest of the resistance attack the caravan and crash the truck they were in. Rayne easily kicks the back door open. If you had the ability to do that, why not do it when the truck was travelling 15 mph to your death? You could’ve jumped out of that thing and barely stumble. Then, Brand drinks some of Rayne’s blood from a vial to get stronger to fight her. How the hell did you think that would work? That blood came from her! She’s full of the stuff!
The dialogue continues to be shit. The greater majority of the dialogue was flat, ill-conceived lines that they tried to ramp up by having Rayne add “mother fucker” to the end of it. Only Samuel L. Jackson can pull that off … mother fucker! At one point, they attack a train station because a train was supposed to arrive to take away one of their friends and Rayne feels the need to point out that, “The train’s not here.” Really? ‘Cause I see the tracks that we’re walking over right now, but I could’ve sworn it would be on the other side of the station or something. The massive lacking of train did not tip me off at all. At one point, as an insult, Brand calls a member of the resistance a Bolshevik. I don’t think you’re using that right. Isn’t that the start of the Communist party in Russia? Mother fucker?
The fights were (you guessed it) still not impressive. But they at least seemed vaguely choreographed this time around. They actually stopped trying to replicate Rayne’s swords in this movie, just making them two regular swords that she carried around instead of the swords with the handle in the middle. In their defense, they failed for two whole movies so far so I kind of support them giving up on it. The movie starts with one fight that was okay, but really short. I still don’t understand how a regular human could sneak up on a vampire as one did in the first fight, though. Then there’s a lot of snooze until a super brief fight in a brothel, and back to more snooze. It got to the point where I was so bored I was checking the time on the movie every ten minutes or so, which says a lot for a movie that’s just over an hour long. They seemed to get the idea that their movie was getting more boring, so they threw in a random fight with two vampires with swords that I kept waiting for the purpose of, but it never arrived. They just threw it in at random, Rayne wins, and she walks away. Moving on! Later, Rayne gets in a fight that DOES have something to do with the story, but I got pissed because she had two swords on her back and decided to be ineffectual in hand-to-hand combat instead of using those. Then she was rescued by a human. You’re an embarrassment, Rayne. The final fight (and the entire ending) of the movie was completely deflating, even though the movie had never really inflated you. For about thirty seconds, Brand is beating up Rayne. Then she trips him, picks up a big rock, and smashes his head. The end. It was the quickest buzz kill of fight with the big bad enemy that I’ve ever seen in a movie.
The most important change in the performances from the second movie to this one was the boobs. There were a lot of them. And even Natassia Malthe, who did not get them boobs out in the first movie, whips them things out for this movie. She even has two sex scenes to do it. First with a girl and the second was already discussed because of how little sense it made that they’d fuck in the back of a truck on their way to their deaths. The first sex scene made just as little sense. Rayne does something for some whores in a brothel where she goes to get a massage for no good reason so one of them repays her with sex. My guess is that it is just something Boll wanted to see. He certainly doesn’t mind adding scenes to his movie that have nothing to do with anything. To talk about Malthe’s performance: meh. It starts off pretty weak as she reads the narration over the inordinately long, 7 minute credit sequence. She sounds completely disinterested and bored by what she’s reading. As a vampire, she’s not really required to act that much. Just be kind of robotic. And wear a goofy earflap hat for some reason. The only thing significant about Michael Paré and Brendan Fletcher to me was that they were in the previous movies and came back for these ones without making any mention to the fact that they were back. With Paré, at least it could be said that he didn’t look the same. Fletcher definitely did look exactly as he did when he was hanged in the second movie, but no mention of it is made. Obviously we can assume that Boll can’t get that many people to still work with him, but it would’ve been nice to mention it in the movie. Clint Howard just got on my nerves in this movie. I don’t really know him as a great actor; I just know him as a small part in his brother’s movies. But in this one he got on my nerves by having a good and appropriate look for the character, but his raspy, Peter Lorre-esque voice was a major irritant. Almost as much as the horrible pun of his character’s name (Doctor Mangler, like Doctor Mengele. GET IT?!?!?!?). Fuck you, movie.
Not only do I think that they should never make another BloodRayne movie, I think they should never make another Uwe Boll movie. People should never do anything to give this man money. I was excited by BloodRayne: The Third Reich because they actually took Rayne into a setting similar to the games, but then they just wrote a story full of nonsense and stupidity, random fights and sex scenes that serve no purpose, and irritating performances. I checked the time so often during this boring piece of trite that you’d think it was 5 hours long instead of one hour and ten minutes. Don’t watch this. Don’t watch any of them. Don’t watch anything with the name Uwe Boll attached to it. BloodRayne: The Third Reich gets “Guten tag, motherfuckers” out of “…mother fucker!”
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So you are afraid of something after all
YEAH, HORROR THON! Keepin’ it goin’ for the Octobers I decided to take on the mash up movie of two of the most famous horror sagas, Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th. This fan service movie promises (and fails) to answer the question that horror nerds have been arguing amongst themselves for years: Who would win in a fight? Freddy Krueger or Jason Voorhees? So let’s see who takes home the crown (with some dudes head attached to it) with my review of Freddy vs. Jason, with Robert Englund and Ken Kirzinger as the titular characters, and Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland, Chris Marquette, and Brendan Fletcher.
One time potential pedophile (or at least kid killer) Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) is not pleased. He’s trapped in Hell and cannot resume his favorite past time (killing people in their sleep via their dreams) because the people of Springwood have devised a way to make the people forget about him, and he requires their fear to manifest himself. He devises a plan using another resident of Hell, Jason Voorhees (Ken Kirzinger). He invades Jason’s dreams and disguises himself as Momma Voorhees, telling Jason to come back to life and kill people on Elm Street. This will make people think of, and subsequently fear, Freddy again and allow him to resume his practice. Jason goes back and kills a dude in the house of Lori Campbell (Monica Keena) while she hosts a little get together with her friends, one of which is Kia Waterson (Kelly Rowland). In the police station, Lori overhears someone mention Freddy and he is able to use that to start manifesting in her dreams, though he’s not strong enough to do any damage there. Lori’s old boyfriend, Will Rollins (Jason Ritter), is being held in a Westin Hills Asylum as part of the plan to keep Freddy down. Seeing Lori’s predicament on the news, Will and his friend Mark Davis (Brendan Fletcher), escape to go and check on Lori. Unfortunately, Mark has a little spaz attack at school while Will tries to explain things to Lori and ends up yelling about Freddy for the whole school to hear. This gives Freddy enough power to attempt to take the life of one of Lori’s friends at another party, but Jason kills her first. This does not make Freddy happy, and he inhabits the body of another friend of Lori’s as they break into the Asylum to get their hands on the medication that keeps them from dreaming. Freddy uses this body to hit Jason with some tranquilizers and put him under, where he must fight Freddy on Freddy’s turf. To even the playing field, Lori and her friends take the sleeping Jason back to Camp Crystal Lake and Lori goes under in order to pull Freddy into the real world to fight Jason fair and square. Then we get to see who would beat who … or do we?
I say this is a solid movie. It’s light on scares (but what isn’t anymore?) but pretty solid on action. It has a good amount of call backs to the classic horror staples that I enjoyed seeing and being able to pick out. Girls always get their titties out, and the movie starts out with that. You get a couple more throughout the movie, and all of them are top notch. They have the creepy sound effects from Friday the 13th, although I can’t think of anyway to explain them in writing. It’s like CHI CHI CHI KA KA KA. You’ll know it if you’ve seen the movies from that, I think. But horror movies make women out to be stupid, don’t they? Always need to get their tits out, always tripping when running away from certain death, dating guys so douchey they should have been wearing Ed Hardy, always walking through a corn field at night to follow someone you know to be dead, even though you know there’s a killer on the loose. You know, those classics. The writing of this movie is exactly what you expect. It’s not plot heavy and the dialogue’s not great, but it’s solid enough. It was visually satisfying though. The way it was filmed, the settings, everything worked very well visually.
The biggest problem was the same problem I had with Alien vs. Predator. And that problem is the backbone of the writers. Neither of these movies is willing to pick a winner! I understand why, you don’t want to alienate the people that prefer Freddy or Jason, or Aliens or Predators, but then you shouldn’t have taken on a movie claiming it would answer that question! You’re worried about pissing people off, but you’ve pissed off people like me who are annoyed that you refused to pick a winner and end the movie in a stalemate. You want to know who would win? Jason! Because Freddy is a crappy horror villain. There, I said it. Bring it on! Jason doesn’t say anything and has no personality, but he’s a straight up killer and is immortal. Freddy is goofy and fights people while they’re asleep like a bitch. I do not understand the appeal of the Freddy character. He is so goofy and not scary at all. If I were in a dream and he came up and hit me with one of his goofy lines, I would say “If you work off of fear, you’ve got no power over me. But I would like it if you would kill me so I wouldn’t have to hear that joke again”. None of that for my boy Voorhees. He just kills you.
For the acting, Robert Englund does a good job, but I hate the Freddy character. Jason doesn’t really act. The female lead, Monica Keena is an odd one to me. Some guys let their fists do the talking, she lets her tits do the acting. She wasn’t necessarily bad, but her tits were always the center of attention when she was on. Maybe she can’t act that well so she said “Can I lose the top buttons on my shirt? I can’t act that well”. Jason Ritter does a fine job too and I was much less distracted by his breasts. Kelly Rowland annoyed me for most of the movie, and not just because she was probably the least attractive person in Destiny’s Child. The climax of her annoyance was also the climax of her life: when she gets killed. She gets Freddy’s attention as he was going after Lori and Will and so he starts coming after her. Then she decides that this is her opportunity to try out her stand up routine and whip some “snaps” and “Yo Mamma” jokes at Freddy. Then Jason smashes her into a tree. That’s what you get for that nonsense. Of course, the problems with her were the fault with the writers and not poor Kelly, so perhaps I’m too hard on her.
This movie is a slasher movie, pure and simple. Go in expecting that and you probably won’t have any major problems with this movie, unless of course you were looking for a movie to answer your nerdy mash-up questions. I give this movie “Got your nose” out of “Tilt!”
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