Please Captain, Not in Front of the Klingons.
Today may finally be the day that I watch the Star Trek movie even fans complain about. So far, I’ve found the Star Trek movies to be mostly enjoyable. The first movie was the worst that I’ve seen so far, but it was still only mediocre, not bad. Then the next few movies were pretty good. But today’s Star Trek movie is the worst rated of this generation in Star Trek movies, so I imagine I’ll have plenty of fodder for jokes. But who knows? Maybe every other critic is wrong and this is, in fact, a good movie. There’s only one way to find out. Today’s movie is Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, written by David Loughery, directed by William Shatner, and starring William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Laurence Luckinbill, DeForest Kelley, James Doohan, George Takei, Walter Koenig, Nichelle Nichols, Todd Bryant, Spice Williams-Crosby, David Warner, Charles Cooper, Cynthia Gouw, and George Murdock.
Something happens in a desert between a Vulcan named Sybok (Laurence Luckinbill) and a guy that looks like the lead singer from Midnight Oil. Then the crew of the USS Enterprise – Captain James T. Kirk (William Shatner), Spock (Leonard Nimoy), Doctor Leonard McCoy (DeForest Kelley), Engineer Montgomery Scott (James Doohan), Helmsman Hikaru Sulu (George Takei), Navigator Pavel Chekov (Walter Koenig), and Communications Officer Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) – is camping in Yosemite National Park. So those are things that happen. Sybok takes some hostages on the planet Nimbus III and the Enterprise responds to the threat, only to get their own ship taken hostage as well, to be used in Sybok’s quest to find a mythical planet called Sha Ka Ree, where creation began and God hangs out.
Hooray! I’ve finally found a really bad Star Trek movie. This movie sucked. Actually, I don’t even know how comfortable I’d be in saying that the movie sucked because I feel like I had no idea what was going on, and I was actually paying full attention for the bulk of the movie. I even had my friend Forty along for the ride, and neither one of us had any idea what was going on until the last 15 minutes or so of the movie. When we figured out what they were going for, we realized that it was pretty stupid. They were looking for a God planet. When they find what they think is the God planet, they are attacked by fake God and just leave without doing anything about the fake God. Also, a Klingon ship with muddy motivations is following the Enterprise through the entire movie with such ineptitude that I forgot they were still following for most of the movie. They were an entire non-entity that could have been left out of the movie entirely. But the movie seemed to be filled with such things, and it could be argued that the entire movie could’ve been left out of the movie to the movie’s benefit.
The look of this movie was … confusing. Don’t movies typically get better graphically as they get sequels? This one took a step backwards. It wasn’t the worst looking movie, but it wasn’t great. The last part of the movie was the most annoying to me, because “God” was so him-damned bright that I think I went blind in my left eye. Also, the cantina in Paradise City looked like it was stolen right out of another movie, but I can’t remember which one. All I remember is that it was a cantina on an alien planet and the movie was called Star Wars. Also, this is not what I’ve been told Paradise City looks like. It was a desert, for crying out loud. I’ve heard that Paradise City is a place where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. If I went to the Paradise City in this movie, I feel like I’d just be asking for someone to please take me home. Yeah yeah. It also just looked like any old desert place on Earth. Not nearly alien enough. All they really did to make it seem alien was tape some fake horns to the heads of horses and put a three-boobed cat lady in there. The sound was also a big problem for me in this movie. I couldn’t tell if it was my sound system or the movie, but the movie was either extremely loud or it completely drowned out its own dialogue. That might not have been the worst thing ever, I guess.
I mostly was fine with the cast, as I have been in all the Star Trek movies. The only issue I took with Kirk was when he got so butt hurt when he told Spock to kill Sybok and Spock didn’t. It doesn’t really feel like Kirk to order someone to kill an unarmed man in cold blood, let alone get pissy when he didn’t do it. Leonard Nimoy was good again, but I hated his little rocket boots that they kept throwing in the movie. They seemed to have no idea of how rockets work. If you want to make these boots antigravity boots, then do it. I’ll get on board with that. This is a science fiction movie, so I can accept things like that. But if you’re going to show me that they’re rocket based, then you can’t have Spock hovering when his feet are pointed upwards. That would just propel him face first into the ground. The only thing I had to say about Sybok was that I thought he was Sean Connery when I first saw him. Then I found out they had originally cast Connery, so it seemed to make sense. And it made even more sense that Connery decided to do Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade instead of this movie. Connery seems to have a good head on his shoulders. I had heard about Nichelle Nichols and her strange little fan dance that came out of nowhere and served no real purpose, and that was in this movie. I wish I had seen that out of her about 30 years earlier, but I could’ve done without it here. I didn’t have much to say about the God character in this movie except that I have no idea how he could miss when shooting beams out of his eyes. I’ve never understood that in any situation when someone misses when shooting beams out of their eyes. They just look at something and then shoot! If you have the ability to look at something, you should be able to hit it!
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier was finally the awful Star Trek movie I had been waiting for. After the one mediocre and three decent movies, I was beginning to get bored with their quality. The story of this movie was confused and confusing, and when I finally figured it out I was deflated by it. The look also took an inexplicable step backwards in quality, and the sound could not decide if you should bother listening to the dialogue or have your ears blown out, so they decided to mix it up and do both. The only way I could really recommend this movie would be if you wanted to make fun of it, but even then it might be a little too hard to keep up with to even bother with that. Skip it. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier gets “I do not believe you realize the gravity of your situation” out of “I don’t control minds. I free them.”
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