Die-ner (2009)

Get it?

October Horror-thon and my friend Mike take me down yet another scary road.  Not scary as a movie, but kind of.  We streamed this movie via Netflix, and you can as well, but I don’t recommend it.  Die-ner is directed by Patrick Horvath, and stars no one.  So I won’t bother.

This movie takes place in a diner.  Shocked, aren’t you?  Well a serial killer has a really long, drawn out, and pointless conversation with a waitress by the name of Rose before deciding to kill her and the cook.  He hides their bodies in the freezer just in time for a couple to enter.  Boring girl and Retarded Elijah Wood sit down and continue their argument that seems to be leading to their eventual divorce when the serial killer acts as their server.  He intrudes on their conversation and is about to kill them when he sees a cop pull up.  The cop has a pointless conversation with the dispatcher who desperately needs a friend before hanging up the radio and going inside for a cup of coffee.  The three non-murderers start realizing there’s something up with their server and investigate, finding that the cook and Rose have returned to life as rather ineffectual zombies.  One of them bites the cop in his turkey neck before the other three tie up Rose and duct tape the cook to the floor.  The serial killer confesses to his crime and it seems that all of his victims are coming back to haunt him.  But not just him because they’re going to kill the other two as well.  After knocking out the serial killer twice; the first time leading to nothing because the couple is retarded and the second time leading to the zombified cop killing him; the two try numerous times to escape, but forget how to operate their car.  Then they get killed, and the trucker zombie gets in his car and drives away.  Take this thin, shitty premise, and stretch it into one hour and 15 minutes and you have Die-ner.

Oh my God this is not a good movie.  Now, I know I claimed in my review of ThanksKilling that I could take a shitty horror movie but not a shitty horror-comedy, but I was apparently wrong.  I can take a shitty horror movie if it moves.  AT ALL!  This movie is so slow with barely any action bookending tons of half character development for characters no one is interested in.  There was a credit in the back of the movie for a “sound sweetener”, and I can only assume that his job was to pour molasses on the film, making it sweeter, but uber slow and boring.  Also, if you realize your title is so shitty that you add (Get it?) to the title, maybe you should change it.  If you thought it was clever, you should probably kill yourself.  Overreaction?  Perhaps.  And it’s not scary either.  The only screaming you will do is at the screen to hurry the fuck up.

The music, though I don’t tend to notice it, was so bad in this that it demanded my attention.  The music could best be described as what happens when an organist falls asleep on an organ, but is dreaming so he’s rolling his head back and forth on the keys.  It was quiet, monotonous, and as boring as the film was.  So perhaps you could argue that it was fitting.  But even in the “action” scenes, the organist refused to wake.  He may have been roofied, and that is NOT cool, Die-ner.  Get your sex from an organist the right way.

The acting is (brace yourself) bad and boring.  The serial killer attempts to be quirky and not just quiet and evil as you may expect one to be, but when you sling statements like “Hay is for horses” after one of your captives says “Hey”, you deserve to have your innards ripped out by zombies.  Which they did, thankfully, but the damage was done by then.  Everyone else was completely forgetful.  The cop guy has a really long, drawn out speech as he’s dying about getting married to his wife and the day his wife had their child, which may have been emotional and touching were it not 27 minutes long.  I’m perhaps exaggerating, but this movie destroyed my concept of time.  It was only just over an hour, but felt like Das Boot with zombie and nothing interesting in it.  And the pointless conversation with the dispatcher was much the same way, leading me to believe the movie was vehemently opposed to moving the story along.  And the zombies!  OH MY GOD!  I know that zombies started with Romero being really slow moving and quasi-ineffectual, but you had to put your hand in these zombies mouths to get them to bite you.  One of them is so morose that he allows himself to be held at bay by weak jabs from a mop, and then duct taped to the floor.  Rose’s only option when it came to fighting her incarceration as a zombie was to swing her hands slowly in a vague direction towards the living.  One of the zombies does a total Zoolander runway turn to follow the couple, but mainly just walks slowly, face first into a semi trailer and fall down for a nap.

So this is a really boring bad movie.  I will sleep well at night recommending a bad zombie movie to my audience if it’s even slightly entertaining to make fun of, but this one is just too boring.  It’s like 20 minutes of material they needed to stretch out with boringness.  Mike and I fell asleep in each other’s arms while watching this.  (By the way, I’m sorry for drooling on you, Mike).  I will give you my review of this movie in an hour or so.  First, let me regale you with a recounting of my entire life’s story up to this point.  In the beginning, I was born in a town called Needles.  The doctors instantly knew there was something great about this boy, and they were right!  The next day he was taken home.  The day after that was fairly uneventful for this young boy because he was only a baby.  The day after that, same.  The day after that he sneezed.  The day after…  And that brings us to today where “This movie sucked” out of “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”.

And, as always, please rate, comment, and/or like this post and others.  It may help me get better.