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I Am Getting the Pig!
I vaguely remember someone I work with suggesting that I watch today’s movie, but I don’t really remember who. I think it may have been Eric. Who suggested it was fairly irrelevant to me because I’m always down to check this movie out. I don’t remember the circumstances that first lead to me watching this movie. There’s a possibility that I randomly purchased the movie without having seen it; something that is a rarity for me to do. I may also have RedBox’d the movie and liked it so much that I immediately purchased it. Either way, to fulfill this mystery request today, I needed only to walk to my DVD shelves and grab the BluRay. Doing so brings us up to speed, so let’s review RED, loosely based on a comic book series created by Warren Ellis and Cully Hammer, written by Erich Hoeber, directed by Robert Schwentke, and starring Bruce Willis, Mary-Louise Parker, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Julian McMahon, Richard Dreyfuss, Karl Urban, Brian Cox, James Remar, Rebecca Pidgeon, Ernest Borgnine, and Audrey Wasilewski.
Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) leads a pretty boring life in his retirement. So boring, it seems, that he entertains himself by tearing up his pension checks so that he can call Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker), a customer service agent at the pension office, and talk with her for a bit. The hum-drum life he leads is interrupted when one day he goes downstairs and a hit squad appear to attack him. He kills the bejesus out of them with extreme prejudice and sets off for Kansas City. CIA agent William Cooper (Karl Urban) is tapped to hunt down Moses and kill him. It turns out Frank is no ordinary bald dude, but he’s a former black-ops CIA agent who has been tagged “R.E.D.”, or Retired, Extremely Dangerous. Frank is forced to kidnap Sarah for her own safety and the two set out to get the band back together and find out what’s happening. With the help of other RED agents – Joe Matheson (Morgan Freeman), Marvin Boggs (John Malkovich), Ivan Simanov (Brian Cox), and Victoria (Helen Mirren) – they find out that their deaths are part of a cover up for the CIA involving people high up on the ladder. They will most likely kill the shit out of them too.
I really dig this movie. It suffers a bit from a pretty predictable and familiar story, but saves itself from being too much of the same by telling it in a different and superior way. The action is over the top and awesome, the movie is a lot of fun for something that’s basically about killing, the performances are delivered by people way over-qualified for such a movie, and the dialogue is very charming. The action in this movie is a lot of fun. It’s pretty much all over the top and exciting, and usually framed with some funny dialogue. I really like the scene you probably saw in the trailer for this movie when Bruce Willis steps out of a spinning cop car and starts firing at Karl Urban, Willis’ legs narrowly being missed by the back of the spinning car. John Malkovich also shoots a rocket out of mid-air, causing it to explode backwards and kill the person firing it. I’m sure the Mythbusters would wipe their ass with this notion, but I thought it was awesome, so who cares if it makes sense? The movie ends on a 20 minute or more action scene of the RED people doing a heist of sorts, but I never got sick of the action because it went on too long. The movie also had a very satisfying ending. The throwdown between Willis and Urban in Urban’s office served no purpose to the plot and also seemed a bit out of character for Moses to jeopardize the mission to show Urban that he was better than him, but it was a pretty awesome UFC style throwdown that was amped up by Aerosmith’s “Back in the Saddle”. Pointless, but awesome. Part of what made this movie work for me was the way it was filmed. They used lots of creative camera angles and cool transitions to make it a very stylized movie, setting itself apart from other action movies. These were small things that you might not necessarily pay attention to, but subconsciously stick in your mind. Things like Bruce Willis’ eye transitioning into a bullet in the opening of the movie and John Malkovich flipping off a satellite, transitioning into Karl Urban watching the monitors. I also liked the postcard things they used to show that we were switching locations.
The cast of this movie is probably the whole reason I went to see it in the first place. There are so many big names and diverse actors in this thing that I just had to see how it worked out. Well it worked out amazingly well and impressed me more when I saw who else was in this that was not top-billed. Bruce Willis is one of the biggest action stars in the world, but he is aging a little by now, making him perfect for this movie. He didn’t play it like a super-badass action hero, even while he was doing super-badass action things. He played it more like a quiet, shy dude that was crushing on a girl he met on the phone … oh yeah, and also I’m a total badass. I didn’t really know who Mary-Louise Parker was before going into this movie because most of her film credits are movies I would not be interested in, and also I never saw Weeds, but she could not have been cuter in this movie, both in looks and in personality. She was totally fish out of water amongst the crowd Willis gets her involved with, but she had a lot of sass to her and I really dug her in this movie. As much as I liked her, she had the misfortune of going up against John Malkovich as Marvin Boggs, and she could not compete with that character. I don’t know that I had ever seen Malkovich do comedy before I saw this, but that dude was great. He was so awesome and hilarious as the uber-paranoid Marvin. He was crazy and paranoid so people rarely took what he said seriously, even though he turned out to be right more often than not. He was the one throwing in the most jokes in the action situations, and if he wasn’t actually saying them, he was making me laugh by being downtrodden in the background holding a pink, stuffed pig. Morgan Freeman was fairly underused in the movie, but was great in the parts he was in. He was the one that had the part that bummed me out in the middle of the movie, but I got through it. I don’t care how old Helen Mirren is, I think I would still throw down with her if she wanted. Something about that lady is just sexy, especially if you have her shooting a 50-calibur machine gun wearing a white gown. Karl Urban has played a badass before, but didn’t really go above that character to impress too much. But I guess he was the bad guy for the most part, so you don’t want him to be too charming.
I dig RED a lot. It’s not the smartest movie you can watch, and you won’t learn anything from it, but you will watch a stylishly-filmed movie with great performances, charming characters, funny dialogue, and over the top, fantastic action. However I came to see this movie the first time is irrelevant. I liked it enough to immediately purchase it on BluRay, and I feel comfortable saying you’ll have fun renting it. SO DO IT! RED gets “You guys want to get pancakes?” out of “I trained Kordeski.”
Hey, peeps. Why not rate and comment on this as a favor to good ole Robert, eh? And tell your friends! Let’s make me famous!
I find the true glory of RedBox is that it allows me to be less discerning in my tastes. For a dollar a night, I will watch almost anything. And, tonight, I put that to the test. I rented the remake of Arthur (starring Russell Brand, Elektra, and Helen Mirren), even though I never had anything resembling a desire to watch this movie. What can I say? I’m spontaneous.
Since this movie came out, I feel as if I had heard nothing about it that was good. As is customary for me, I went to Rotten Tomatoes to find out what everyone else thought of it, as the opinions of others make up my own. But, with a Rotten Tomatoes score of 26%, I found that their opinions would not actually be helping me this time around. I found Arthur to be a very enjoyable movie, and I don’t care if you disagree.
Arthur (Russell Brand) is a drunk, British dude that is living in New York City. I know that because I’ve become VERY familiar with NYC from the Spider-Man games. Many times in the movie I thought to myself “I crawled on that very wall”! Anyways, Arthur lives in NYC, drinks and parties a lot, rides around in a DeLorean, and sexes the prostitutes. Not sexes as you may a chicken (I’m sure he knew their gender beforehand), but I refer to intercourse. The story, in desperate need of a catalyst, gets started by his mom telling him he has to marry Elektra (As I think was Jennifer Garner’s name in this movie, but I get very confused when off my meds) if he wants to remain rich. Now, he doesn’t want to do this, even though she is very hot, because she’s kind of a twat. Then he meets this very interesting blonde-haired lady named Naomi (Insert the actresses name here … come on, I don’t research this people!) and falls for her. Hijinks ensue, and later a happy ending.
I’m not sure if I was able to be fond of this movie because I’ve not seen the original or just because I’m not some jaded film critic, but I liked this movie. I hated Russell Brand before this movie, and I hate him slightly less now. Also, just so you’re up to speed, I still think Jennifer Garner is hot and Helen Mirren is awesome, but more awesome with a sniper rifle in RED. There were more than a few moments in this movie that got me to laugh out loud (Or LOL if you’re 20 and under) and I rarely laugh in movies. Also, I’m not too masculine that I can’t say I got a little choked up in this movie at points.
So, I guess what I’m getting at is this movie is definitely worth the maybe 2 dollars I’ve paid for it by now. Do I feel the need to add it to my enormous movie collection? Meh, not at the moment. But maybe one day if I find it for like 5 dollars.
On a scale of 1 to 5 stars, I give Arthur “Pretty good”. …Do I not understand the way rating systems work?