It Chapter Two (2019)

This Meeting of the Losers Club Has Officially Begun.

Two years later and we’re back!  And we’re not the only ones!  Although technically they waited 27, but I’m not gonna wait that long to write a review.  And it’s still October and Horrors are still thonning, and today’s movie qualifies.  This movie of course is It Chapter Two, based on a novel by Stephen King, written by Gary Dauberman, directed by Andy Muschietti, and starring Bill Skarsgard, Jessica Chastain, Sophia Lillis, James McAvoy, Jaeden Martell, Bill Hader, Finn Wolfhard, Isaiah Mustafa, Chosen Jacobs, Jay Ryan, Jeremy Ray Taylor, James Ransone, Jack Dylan Grazer, Andy Bean, and Wyatt Oleff.

27 years after the first movie, Pennywise (Skarsgard) has returned to Derry, Maine and is killing again.  And that means the Losers Club – Beverly (Chastain, Lillis), Bill (McAvoy, Martell), Richie (Hader, Wolfhard), Mike (Mustafa, Jacobs), Ben (Ryan, Taylor), Eddie (Ransone, Grazer), and Stanley (Bean, Oleff) – have a promise to keep: to return to Derry and finish what they started 27 years earlier.  But there’s a problem: most of them have been inexplicably forgetting everything about their time in Derry.  And another problem: Stan killed himself when Mike called him.  So not off to a great start…  But anyway, the rest of the Losers get together in Derry and must work together to overcome the otherworldly evil Clown.

I enjoyed It a great deal, and I also enjoyed It Two too…as well…  I suppose I would assume that I enjoyed the first one more, but this movie would be somewhat confusing without that movie first so it gets extra credit.  Also, just the idea of turning that book into 2 movies seems like such a daunting task and they pulled it off admirably, and trying to wrap everything up is also a challenge.  I had few issues as far as the story goes.  One of them was with the Native American ritual.  My first issue with it is that someone made a comment that the ritual was ridiculous.  Yeah?  It’s a ridiculous solution…for your problem with a shapeshifting ghost alien clown?  …But now that you mention it, you do have a point.  Why the hell would a Native American ritual affect an alien?  Another issue I had was with the way they beat Pennywise.  They essentially defeat him by bullying him.  They just mock him until he shrinks and then they rip his heart out.  So maybe they’re even worse than bullies.  I mean, their bully was a complete psychopath, but even he didn’t get much further than cutting the fat boy.  At least not until he came back as an adult.  The last issue I had with this movie is actually an issue with myself.  In the movie, they do a gag when someone busts through a door and does the “Here’s Johnny!” thing.  I am embarrassed to admit that I actually thought for far too long that this movie ripped off the Shining.

A lot of the visual stuff in this movie was very well executed.  Like all those fortune cookie monsters were terrible.  That’s what they were going for, so congratulations.  Also terrible was the way the Losers cut their hands to make their little pact.  All of their scars looked way too big and then when we saw it happen, it looked like they all cut far deeper than was necessary.  A little slice will do ya!  No need to get the hooked piece of glass and really dig into your hand with it like you’re trying to hit some tendons so you don’t have to use it anymore.  You’re making a promise, not trying to get discharged from the military.  Especially since most of the Losers were young boys that are going to really need those hands coming up in puberty times.  Another terrible thing was Stan’s spider transformation later on.  That could haunt the dreams of a lesser man.

My biggest problem with the cast of the movie is similar to one I had with the first movie: I can’t remember which kids are which.  In this movie, I can’t remember which kids are which and I also can’t remember which adult represented which kid.  Except for Beverly.  For some reason, I was always able to tell which one she was.  Otherwise, all the kids and adults were very good in the movie, and a lot of them really worked as adult versions of their kid counterparts.  Chastain was a fairly obvious choice to take over as Bev.  I feel like she was even dream cast in the part by most places before she was officially cast.  She did great in the role though.  I took some issues with the fact that she went back to her old house that was now occupied by an old lady and just took it upon herself to start destroying the old lady’s floorboards to find a poem, but the trailers already let me know that this old lady was Pennywise so she can get a pass on that.  I didn’t think McAvoy looked very much like his kid, but he was probably hired more for the acting.  But maybe he was just cast last minute when they realized they hadn’t cast a Bill yet.  I assume they do this sort of thing since in the movie he was the writer on a movie that they had started shooting before he had even written the ending yet.  I did wonder why Bill would fall for Pennywise’s Georgie trick as an adult though.  When he’d fall for it as a kid, it made more sense, but why are you as an adult seeing Georgie in a sewer and the same age he was 27 years earlier and you think, “Yup!  That’s gotta be the real Georgie!”  I also wanted to say that when Bill was talking to that kid on the skateboard right after that, I was expecting a Pet Semetary style clobbering by a big truck and was very disappointed when it didn’t happen.  Ransone was a pretty good adult version of Grazer, but I kept getting distracted by where I knew Grazer from until I realized he was the kid from Shazam.  Bill Hader was another one I thought was more cast for who he was than his resemblance to Finn Wolfhard, but it was okay because Hader was great.  He acted the bejesus out of his reaction to a character’s death in the end, and he was also a nice comic relief for the rest of the movie.  Also, there was a cool Stephen King cameo!  …That’s all I had to say about it…

It Chapter Two was probably technically not as good as its predecessor, but since they were both taken from one book, I would say it’s best to just put the two movies together and judge them as one, which means that It was a really fun horror movie that was way too long at like 5 and a half or 6 hours altogether.  The story was good, the visuals were great, it was scary-ish I suppose, and it was cast very well.  You probably already have, but if you haven’t, I recommend you go watch it.  And by it, I mean It.  It Chapter Two gets “For 27 years, I dreamt of you. I craved you… I’ve missed you” out of “I guess you could say that was long overdue.  …Get it?  ‘Cause we’re in a library?”

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Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)

The Story You Are About to See Has Been Told Before.  A Lot.

You know what we all need?  We all need to take some of the best tragedy stories of our time and turn them into kids movies with garden gnomes.  I think we can all agree that this needs to happen.  I had exactly zero percent interest in this movie when I first heard about it, the same amount when it came out on DVD, and the same amount when I saw it on Netflix streaming.  I chose to watch it because I like to make fun of movies that are awful.  Was this movie awful, or was I surprised by it?  Let’s find out in my review of Gnomeo and Juliet, directed by Kelly Asbury, and starring the voice talents of James McAvoy, Emily Blunt, Michael Caine, Maggie Smith, Jason Statham, Matt Lucas, Ozzy Osbourne, Stephen Merchant, Julie Walters, Dolly Parton, Hulk Hogan, and Patrick Stewart.  I mean, come on!  Look at that cast!

You know that story William Shakespeare wrote that was later turned into a Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes joint called Romeo & Juliet?  This time they’re lawn gnomes.  …  …Okay it’s a little different.  Two feuding neighbors, Mrs. Montague (Julie Walters) and Mr. Capulet (Richard Wilson), have adjoining gardens populated with garden gnomes that also hate each other.  The Montague garden filled with blue gnomes, the Capulet garden with red gnomes.  A red gnome named Tybalt (Jason Statham) and a blue gnome named Gnomeo (James McAvoy), son of the matriarch of the blue gnomes Lady Bluebury (Maggie Smith), challenge each other to a lawnmower race where Tybalt wins by cheating.  In retaliation, Gnomeo and his friend Benny (Matt Lucas) decide to vandalize the red lawn.  Simultaneously, Juliet (Emily Blunt), the daughter of Lord Redbrick (Michael Caine), decides she needs to escape the clutches of her over-protective father and retrieve a flower from a vacant neighboring yard.  Here, Gnomeo and Juliet meet and fall in love almost instantly.  Something tells me it won’t end well for these two star-crossed lovers.  But, then again, it’s a kids movie version…

Strangely enough, this movie is not that bad.  I know, I was as surprised as you!  It’s a cute kid’s movie that’s well-animated and pretty and, of course, has a good story because it’s based on a story by William Shakespeare.  I think the biggest problem with this movie is that it doesn’t really have an audience.  People that love Romeo & Juliet won’t see this movie because it “ruins” a classic tragedy.  People that aren’t familiar with Romeo & Juliet probably won’t be into the movie because it’s a kid’s movie.  And kid’s might like the movie because they’re goofy gnomes, and their parents may want them to see it as an introduction to Romeo & Juliet, but it’s really not gonna learn ’em anything about Romeo & Juliet.  Romeo & Juliet was a great play, but I think the huge tragedy at the end is what made it so famous.  This being a kid’s movie, Gnomeo & Juliet had a happy ending.  This movie probably would’ve been well-received if they hadn’t named it after Romeo & Juliet and taken the names from it.  Plenty of story’s have done the whole “star-crossed lovers” thing so it wouldn’t have been so bad if it just had similarities to R&J (I am so sick of typing the whole name).  But to take so heavily from R&J, but then to change the ending of a piece of classic literature, is not usually well received.  Once we ignore the fact that it’s based on R&J, we can enjoy the movie a little more.  The comedy in the movie relies heavily on puns – as you may gather from the title of the movie – and they’re hit and miss.  “Let’s kick some grass” and “Who’s your gnomey?” (which I still don’t get) were dead on arrival, but when the frog says to the mushroom “You look like a fun guy (fungi)” made me laugh.  Cheesiness is entirely acceptable in a kid’s movie.  The commercial with Hulk Hogan’s voice over for the lawnmower called the Terrafirminator was pretty funny, mainly because it reminded me of the Power Thirst commercials from YouTube.  I did find one part of this movie a little unbelievable.  I mean, lawn gnomes coming to life I’m totally on board with, but an English Bulldog being vicious?  You lost me.

The vocal cast of this movie is amazing.  I would’ve expected most of these acclaimed British actors would have a problem with a movie fucking with the ending of a Shakespeare play, but they came in and did a pretty excellent job.  James McAvoy and Emily Blunt did fine jobs here.  Michael Caine and Maggie Smith are the two actors I especially would’ve thought would’ve refused to do this movie, and probably Patrick Stewart as well.  But Stewart probably agreed because he got to play Shakespeare, albeit in statue form.  I especially liked Ashley Jensen as Nanette the frog.  The frog was halfway in between crazy and stupid and was probably the most consistently entertaining character.  Sadly, I think the only voice acting that didn’t really shine was one of my favorite musicians: Ozzy Osbourne.  Contrary to any impression of the man, he was very understandable.  Being not an actor, most of his lines fell flat.  But, again, he’s not an actor, and most people should consider it an accomplishment that you can actually understand what he’s saying.

As surprised as I am to write these words, here it goes … this movie’s kind of cute.  It’s got a good story going for it with a couple of solid laughs, but don’t go in thinking it’ll be like Romeo & Juliet.  Just think it’s a kid’s movie and you’ll probably think it’s cute.  If you have them, your kids will probably enjoy it.  The cast of the movie is amazing and they all perform admirably.  Give it a shot, you may enjoy it.  I give Gnomeo & Juliet “Not good, not bad, it’s FAIR Verona” out of “That was my joke!”

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X-Men: First Class (2011)

Finally it has happened, the release of one of my most anticipated BluRay releases in recent memory.  Last Friday was the day when X-Men: First Class was released.  I had already seen this movie 3 times by the time I picked up the BluRay but that did nothing to quell my excitement.  I had put off watching it because I already had a back log of reviews, but it finally came time to watch it.  So I opened it up, popped it in, and my BluRay player on my computer promptly failed about 3 minutes into the movie.  Once I’m sure it’s not my computer and is, in fact, the program I use, I may post a scathing review of it.  But that’s a story for a different day.  Today I watched X-Men: First Class, starring James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Rose Byrne, Jennifer Lawrence, Kevin Bacon, January Jones, and Oliver Platt.

X-Men: First Class starts many years before the events of X-Men 1, though still starting at the same place with a shot-for-shot remake of the opening of X1, with Magneto as a kid in a Nazi concentration camp.  Here Eric Lehnsherr – later Magneto – meets a Nazi scientist that is later revealed to be Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon).  Having revealed himself as a mutant by messing up a gate, Eric has caught the interest of Shaw.  To attempt to help Eric find his powers, he threatens to kill Eric’s mother if Eric can’t move a coin.  Failing to do so, Shaw promptly kills Eric’s mother.  Turns out anger is a very good catalyst for Eric’s magnetic powers, which is shown by Eric trashing the room with his powers.  Jumping over to the states, telepath Charles Xavier as a child comes down stairs in his mansion to meet shapeshifter Raven Darkholme – later Mystique.  Years later, Raven (now played by Jennifer Lawrence) lives with Charles (now James McAvoy) in England where Charles is just getting his doctorate in genetics.  Eric (now Michael Fassbender) is spending his time hunting down Shaw.  Elsewhere still, Dr. Moira MacTaggart (Rose Byrne) stumbles upon Shaw and his Hellfire Club – comprised of telepath Emma Frost (January Jones), teleporter Azazel, and whirlwind creator Riptide.  Shaw threatens a general into voting to move nuclear weapons to Turkey, starting the Cuban Missile Crisis in hopes of getting both sides to nuke the Hell out of each other, leaving only the mutants.  No one believes Moira when she reports this because mutants are relatively unheard of at this point.  So she goes and gets Charles on her side and together they manage to launch a fairly unsuccessful assault on Shaw, which only becomes relatively successful at the intervention of Eric.  Shaw escapes and Eric joins up with Charles and Raven to create a team to take on Shaw in a facility run by Oliver Platt.  At said facility, they meet Hank McCoy – later Beast – who has created a machine that will amplify Charles’ powers.  Using this, they create a team with Angel, a stripper with wings who can spit hot fire like Dylan; Alex Summers, who can shoot destructive red circles as Havok; Sean Cassidy, who can scream real loud as Banshee; and a guy who can adapt to survive named Darwin.  This new team must now train to take on Shaw and stop the two superpowers from destroying each other.

My review of this movie?  I loved every bit of it!  THE END!  …Okay, I’ll do more.

It should not come as a surprise to anyone that knows me to find this out, but here goes: I … am a nerd.  And not only am I nerdy about movies and video games, but I’m nerdy about comic books.  Though not all comic books.  My childhood was spent reading almost exclusively Marvel comic books, my favorite of which being the X-Men.  So one could say that my opinion is a bit swayed by my preexisting condition.  That being said, this movie rocks.  I’m not sure if it’s based on some version of the X-Men I haven’t read, but it doesn’t exactly fit the actual story of the X-Men as I know them.  The first official X-Men team was Cyclops, Jean Gray, Beast (not yet blue and hairy), Iceman, and Angel (though not female bug winged Angel, but male angel winged Angel).  But do I necessarily want to see a movie based on a comic book I’ve already read?  Heck no!  I already know that story.  Gimme some new stuff.  I’m not the type of fan that says they can’t deviate from the text.  I’m the kind of fan that says entertain me, and this movie does that in spades.  It pains me not to spoil them, but the cameos (2 of them in particular) are worth the price of admission alone.  The story was all around fantastic and left me with no complaints.  And (again, no spoilers) the climax of this movie is basically what all movies should take as an example.  It has a very poignant and significant defeat of the main antagonist, an epic showdown, the crippling of Charles Xavier (that’s not a spoiler to anyone that’s watching this movie), and the birth of Magneto.

I would say the biggest thing I had a problem with in this movie was the casting, though not all of it.  Michael Fassbender was the perfect Magneto.  A bona fide badass if ever there was one.  The problem with him was the kid who played him in the beginning.  I thought that kid was awful.  Most of what he did was laughable when it should have been heart wrenching.  Thankfully that kid grows into Michael Fassbender soon enough.  Also, as a side note, from being the coolest Spartan in 300 to being the guy that nearly fudged up the whole plan in Inglourious Basterds, I have not seen Michael Fassbender do something bad.  I even liked him in Centurion, though the movie wasn’t that good.  Next up was Professor X.  Going into the movie I was pretty sure I’d like Fassbender, but something about James McAvoy rubbed me the wrong way.  And since I had only previously seen him in Wanted, and I thought that movie blew, I’d have to blame that.  Thankfully he did a great job as well.  The only problem was that Professor X acted kind of like McAvoy was doing an Austin Powers impression in the beginning, but that was youthful indiscretion and he grew up pretty quick to be the Professor X I wanted, though I was constantly curious about when exactly Professor Xavier became powerful enough that he could stop holding his fingers to his temple to use his abilities.  Didn’t see Patrick Stewart doing that!  Rose Byrne was, as always, a stone cold hottie.  She was good in the movie too.  Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique was good as well.  My only problem with her is that I really don’t see what everyone’s on about with her being so hot.  She’s good looking, sure, and I wouldn’t kick her out of bed, but she doesn’t hold a candle to Rose Byrne for me.

Two big bads to the casting for me were Angel and Emma Frost.  Angel’s performance was fair enough, my problem was with the character.  Who the Hell is she?  As aforementioned, I’m a huge Marvel nerd and even I had to look her up after my first viewing.  Turns out she was a real character in the Marvel universe, but I don’t know if she was significant enough to be in the movie.  And then there was Emma.  At first I thought January Jones made an interesting, albeit tedious choice, to make Emma Frost seem constantly bored and disinterested in being in the movie.  Emma Frost in the comics is a bit stuck up, sure, but devoid of personality?  Not so much.  But I let it slide at first because I thought it was a choice and it just wasn’t the one I would have made.  Then my roommate tells me that she always acts like that and now I can’t watch the movie without seeing how bad January Jones is here.  She is DEVOID of personality.  Hell, her CG diamond form emoted more than she did!

January Jones was not, however, able to dampen my love for this movie.  If you don’t like comic books or comic book movies I: a) pity you, and b) could see this movie not being your cup of tea.  I would say I put this movie as number 3 in my all time favorite comic book movies; right behind Watchman and, of course, Dark Knight.  You should at least see this movie, if not own it.  I give X-Men: First Class a “MAKE ANOTHER ONE, QUICK” out of “THIS MOVIE RULES!”

And, as always, please rate, comment, and/or like this post and others.  It may help me get better.