This Is the End (2013)

Take Yo Panties Off!

Based on the poster alone, I had no interest in seeing today’s movie.  I liked the people I saw on the poster, but I’ve seen them all in movies that were both great and awful, so the poster alone couldn’t really capture my attention.  But that’s why they make trailers.  When I started seeing the trailers for the movie, my desire to see it took to a sharp incline.  The trailer wasn’t laugh out loud funny, but that could be a good thing in this case.  The trailer should just show the potential for the movie; not spoil the best jokes.  And that’s what this trailer did.  Plus, the premise seemed fantastic.  But Friendboss Josh already had an appointment to see this movie with his girlfriend, the Whitney-Bird.  So we went down to the theaters to catch Man of Steel instead.  But that shit was sold out.  Good thing for me, Friendboss Josh values his friendshipbossship with me more than he values vagina, so we went to see This Is the End, written and directed by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, and starring Jay Baruchel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, Craig Robinson, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Emma Watson, Michael Cera, Jason Segel, David Krumholtz, Paul Rudd, Mindy Kaling, Martin Starr, Channing Tatum, Kevin Hart, Rihanna, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and Aziz Ansari.

Jay Baruchel goes to Los Angeles to visit his friend Seth Rogen.  After a celebratory day of smoking weed and playing video games, Rogen suggests that the two of them go to a party at James Franco’s house, but Baruchel doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t know or like anyone at the party and worries about being left alone there.  Sure enough, upon arriving to the party Rogen goes off on his own, leaving Baruchel in uncomfortable conversations with people like Michael Cera, Emma Watson, and Rihanna.  Rogen and Baruchel walk down to a store to pick up some snacks, but their shopping is interrupted when blue beams of light grab some of the shoppers and drag them up to the heavens.  Then the fuckin’ apocalypse happens, instantly killing many of the celebrities at Franco’s party, leaving Rogen, Baruchel, Franco, Craig Robinson, and Jonah Hill alone in the house to fend for themselves.  They ration out what little supplies they have and go to sleep for the night.  When they wake up, they find that Danny McBride had crashed the party and fallen asleep in a bathroom upstairs, and had come down and prepared all of their food for breakfast.  How will this group of sheltered celebrities be able to survive the reckoning?

I feel like I won’t have very much to say about this movie.  What I will say is this: this is probably the best comedy I’ve seen in a very long time.  I just can’t think of very many funny things that I could put in a review about something that was keeping me laughing super consistently for the greater majority of the movie.  There was a moment to make me laugh out loud at least once every five minutes.  That’s one hell of a ratio!  I barely ever laugh in movies, so that should tell you just what I think about this movie.  I would say that it could be easily argued that the story was a little underwhelming.  It was mainly just an excuse to get these really funny people into situations they could improvise jokes about.  But a comedy doesn’t really need to blow you away with story.  One of my favorite comedies is Airplane! and that’s really all that movie is.  I’m not going to come back here and write a review about the fact that its story wasn’t spectacular when all it was trying to be was a comedy and it kept me laughing.

The cameos in this movie are crazy.  They have ridiculous celebrities in this movie.  I liked most of those people and was tickled to see them in this, and I even really liked the celebrities that I don’t normally like.  Rihanna had a funny moment with Michael Cera, Channing Tatum had an amazing joke, and even though I don’t like them, the Backstreet Boys reveal was pretty awesome, albeit unnecessary.  Jay Baruchel was a little whiny in the movie, but he was also plenty funny.  Seth Rogen was hilarious.  I did think that it didn’t make sense for people to act like he wouldn’t get into heaven if he used Jesus’ name in vain.  He’s Jewish!  They don’t care about Jesus!  James Franco had plenty of funny moments as well.  I especially liked the story he told about Lindsay Lohan thinking he was Jake Gyllenhaal and him telling her to call him the Prince of Persia.  Danny McBride is always a strange character for me.  He never really plays anyone likeable, but he’s really good at playing that character.  And he made a great joke about Franco being gay.  I would say if there were anything bad to say about the cast of this movie it would be that Emma Watson had too small of a part in the movie.  She was great in the movie, and the parts she was in were pretty hilarious, but I want to look at her at all times, and I also want to have a little resolution to what happened to her.  After she leaves, we never see her again.  I assume there’s no way she could go to heaven because she portrayed a witch in 8 movies, so that’s means she’s for sure Hell bound, but the movie never said for sure.

I really can’t do much in a review of This Is the End.  I cannot add funny to the funniest movie I’ve seen in a long time.  This movie was created by a bunch of professionally funny people, and I do this for free.  The story was an interesting idea, but a little simplistic, but who cares because it was mostly there to set up some really funny people being funny.  This movie kept me laughing all the way through, giving me only brief pauses to catch my breath so I wouldn’t die while watching it.  You definitely need to get out to see this movie as soon as you can.  I can’t imagine you’ll regret it.  This Is the End gets “The power of Christ compels you!” out of “I’d be pretty bummed if I don’t at least get a bite of the Milky Way.”

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Goon (2012)

Two Rules, Man: Stay Away From My Percocets, and Do You Have Any Percocets?

I haven’t seen that much of my friend Jordan over the course of the last year, but the two times that we did get together he used the time to beat me over the head and penis with his affection for today’s movie.  He may not have officially requested that I review the movie, but that kind of ringing endorsement makes me feel that it’s a necessity.  I still wasn’t willing to go out of my way to find the movie though.  When I walked into a Wal-Mart today and saw the movie on the main page of a RedBox, it seemed like God was speaking to me and saying, “It is time.”  And I’m not one to argue with God.  That could end badly for me.  And so, with God’s blessings, I bring you my review of Goon, written by Evan Goldberg and Jay Baruchel, directed by Michael Dowse, and starring Seann William Scott, Marc-Andre Grondin, Liev Schreiber, Kim Coates, Alison Pill, Jay Baruchel, Ricky Mabe, Eugene Levy, and David Paetkau.

Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott) is a bouncer with no real direction in his life and, because of this, he’s somewhat of a disappointment to his father (Eugene Levy), though possibly not more of a disappointment to his father than his gay brother Ira (David Paetkau).  Doug attends a hockey game with his friend Pat (Jay Baruchel), who angers one of the visiting players enough to make him call Pat a “faggot” and attempt to attack him.  To defend his friend and his brother’s honor, Doug beats the player senseless to try to get him to take back the f-word he used.  This impresses the home team’s captain and he invites Doug to join the team, ignoring the fact that he can’t skate and has virtually no hockey skills.  Eventually, his fighting skill gives his coach an idea.  In the slightly more major leagues, a veteran enforcer named Ross “The Boss” Rhea (Liev Schreiber) gave a major concussion to a highly skilled prospect named Xavier Laflamme (Marc-Andre Grondin), leading to him being too afraid to play at his full skill level and also leading him into drugs and other such unsavory behaviors.  Doug is taken to the Halifax Highlanders to protect Laflamme and help him get his confidence back.

As with most movies, this movie was nowhere near as funny as I was told it was.  That may not sound like a ringing endorsement, but it is the truth.  Though I didn’t find the movie laugh out loud funny, I must admit that I left the movie being fairly charmed by it.  Early on in the movie, I did find myself a little resentful of the movie because I have heard Kevin Smith talking about his next movie that he’s making and it sounds an awful lot like this movie.  And Seann William Scott and Ricky Mabe have both worked with Smith before.  Not saying they copied the idea; saying they stole the idea!  Okay, that’s not true.  Though it sounds so much like Hit Somebody, I haven’t seen that movie yet.  This movie is a pretty good sports movie, but not that many of the jokes really won with me.  The only one that I remember Jordan spoiling for me was the part where the two Russian guys are making fun of their teammate’s mother, saying that her pussy is so tight that there’s no way she gave birth to a baby and ending it with, “You’re adopted.”  This part was pretty funny, even though Jordan ruined it by doing a pretty solid impression of it.  But that was the only part of the movie I found funny.  The rest of the movie was amusing, but not much more than that.  In fact, around the middle of the movie it seems to forget that it’s supposed to be a comedy, instead getting a little mopey and focusing on the relationship with Eva that I never really cared about.  But, this is also a sports movie, and it definitely succeeds on that.  You root for Doug from the word go, and are pretty happy to see things work out for him.  When he gets injured around the end of the movie and the team finally comes together to throw down with the opposing team, it was entirely awesome.  And when the inevitable showdown between Rhea and Doug happens, it’s built up to very well and was very satisfying.

Another thing that helped the movie was how well it was filmed.  The violence felt real, the music always helped, and the director used lots of interesting camera techniques.  The blood spurts in this movie are frequent and the wounds look real and not over the top.  You even see a few lost teeth.  The greater majority of the music did an excellent job of getting me amped up.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen a montage with Rush’s “Working Man” playing under it, and that’s a problem.  It was excellent.  I was not a fan of whatever rap song the movie ended with, but that was after the movie was done anyway.  And I really appreciated the innovative camera techniques they used in the movie.  I’ve probably seen a camera looking like it was strapped to a person’s fist while punching another guy, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a hockey game from the perspective of the puck before.

I wasn’t all about the performances of this movie, but I wasn’t disappointed by them either.  I appreciated that Seann William Scott seems like he put on a shit ton of weight and muscle for the role.  He was friggin’ yoked.  His performance didn’t really work for me though.  I understand the reasoning behind playing the role super stupid, but it also meant that he wouldn’t be saying anything particularly funny or witty and all of his comedy would need to come simply from his stupidity.  So that never worked.  Alison Pill also didn’t do anything for me in the movie.  She never did anything funny and, I can only assume, attempted to get comedy from saying things that are uncommon for women to say, like saying she likes to fuck a lot of guys.  And, though she is cute, I never really believed somebody falling in love with her at first sight.  Liev Schreiber worked for me though.  He was definitely a badass, but made the cool choice to not play his character like a one dimensional bad guy character.  He was a major antagonist in the movie, but he was also a really likeable guy and showed a great deal of respect for the main character.  Jay Baruchel had some moments of funniness, but more often seemed like he was just trying too hard.

Though Goon didn’t work for me as a comedy, it did work for me as a movie in total.  It was a good sports story with a lot of cool violence and interesting camera techniques, but the bulk of the movie was only somewhat amusing with few solid laughs.  Some of the performances didn’t do a lot for me as well.  But, by the end of the movie, I did find that it had charmed me and that I enjoyed the experience.  If you go in with low comedic expectations, you’ll probably find it funny enough and I think that you’ll find it an enjoyable watch.  I recommend this movie.  And, since you can find it on a RedBox near you, there’s no reason you shouldn’t give it a shot.  Goon gets “That’s the first win in a month!” out of “Greek fuckin’ underground gay porn hard!”

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The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)

One might be so bold as to assume that a collaboration between two Hollywood powerhouses such as Jerry Bruckheimer and Nicholas Cage could possibly be the greatest film in the history of man … but why would you think that? Are you insane? The producer of G-Force and the guy from Season of the Witch?

Such a concoction recently made it’s way to my computer via RedBox by way of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. The Saucer’s Appendix is the story of an awkward boy named Dave (Jay Baruchel) who meets a sorcerer named Balthazar (Nicholas Cage) and becomes … wait for it … his apprentice! Cage was a pupil of Merlin (Yes, THE Merlin) and he’s been fighting bad sorcerers and trapping them in those little Russian nesting dolls, the center of which is his girlfriend (Monica Bellucci) who trapped Morgan le Fey (Some old broad) inside herself. Too bad the movie didn’t have as many layers as these nesting dolls, eh? Anyways, Cage meets Dave, who is a descendent of Merlin, and trains him up to fight Morgan and this one evil sorcerer played by Alfred Molina named Whore’sBath. Rotten Tomatoes claims it’s spelled Horvath, but I know what I heard! Also, at some point, Baruchel meets and falls in love with the pretty blonde girl from I Am Number Four.

I can assume I am not the target demographic for this particular movie. It seems like the kind of movie that would be enjoyed by younguns. By me? Not so much. I’m not sure that Baruchel is meant to lead a movie. He was fantastic in Tropic Thunder where he could be awkward in the background, throw in some funny now and then, and then fuck off. But he’s arguably the star of this particular movie. He plays the descendent of Merlin himself or, as this movie calls it, the Prime Merlinian. Yeah, they really called it that. But, being the Prime Meridian that he is, most of the movie is placed on his scrawny, awkward shoulders, and I don’t feel like the Prime Millennium was up to the task. There was one interesting scene that came forth because of him when the movie includes a long, fairly well done recreation of Fantasia, a movie where the Prime Mescalin was played by none other than Mickey Mouse himself. The Prime Masturbation sets mops and brooms to work cleaning his lab area so he can ready for his date. As you may assume, it does not go well, to the GREAT comic delight of the audience. Oh Prime Michigan, will you ever do anything right?

I had an odd thought during this movie, caused by the secondary lead Cage. He IS generally regarded as a great actor, right? I assume I just haven’t seen the right movies starring him. I hear the man puts on quite the performance in Raising Arizona and probably other movies, but I’ve not seen them. But of the movies I’VE seen the man in – Season of the Witch, Ghost Rider, Con-Air, The Rock, Face Off, and lest we forget Wicker Man – I’ve not been thoroughly impressed. And why is he in 8 movies a year, with only 1 that’s watchable? Oh wait, I just remembered I really like both National Treasure movies and Kick-Ass. Alright, Cage, you can keep making movies, but I’m watching you! Well … no, I guess I probably won’t be … but still!

Also, why was Monica Bellucci barely used in this movie? Not only is she a fine actress, she’s a FINE actress. She was shown only a few times in the movie and did not speak until the very end of the movie. Which, now that I think about it, is my preferred way of enjoying Monica Bellucci. Carry on, movie!

So, honestly, I don’t have much to say about this movie … cough … The movie is not the worst thing I’ve watched by a long shot, but it’s also something you’ll be fine going about your life not having seen it. I suppose if you have Harry Potter-obsessed 12 year old boys in your family, or perhaps in your basement, it’s a good way to stop them from screaming for an hour or two.

On a scale of 1 to 5 stars, you don’t need to watch this movie. Getting closer?