When I Want Your Opinion, I Will Buy You a Brain.
I had a vague attraction to today’s movie for no reason other than the fact that I like some good cheese on occasion. That’s really all this movie seemed to be to me. I was aware of the movie’s arrival to RedBox long before I ever felt the urge to rent it because I would have to be in the mood for some cheesy action. And then my friend Francisco requested that I review the movie. Now I had slightly more motivation. When his name came up on my list, I got myself to a RedBox so that I could finally review Bullet to the Head, based on the French graphic novel Du Plomb Dans La Tete by Alexis Nolent, written by Alessandro Camon, directed by Walter Hill, and starring Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Jason Momoa, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Sarah Shahi, Christian Slater, and Jon Seda.
Two hitmen – James Jimmy “Bobo” Bonomo (Sylvester Stallone) and Louis Blanchard (Jon Seda) – kill a corrupt cop and he cokes it up with a prostitute, who Jimmy Bobo leaves alive. Shortly afterwards, Louis is killed by another hitman named Keegan (Jason Momoa). Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) arrives and starts investigating the murder and puts together that Blanchard and Jimmy Bobo killed the cop. Kwon confronts Jimmy Bobo and is later attacked by corrupt cops, owned by Keegan and Jimmy Bobo’s employer Robert Morel (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), but Jimmy Bobo rescues him, taking him to his daughter Lisa’s (Sarah Shahi) tattoo parlor to get treated for his injuries. Reluctantly, Kwon and Jimmy Bobo team up to reach the bottom of the situation.
I got bored even typing the summary of this thing! This was a really lackluster movie. It was basically what I expected it would be, but not nearly as fun and campy as most of the cheese Stallone takes part in. It was just really bleh. The story came across as really lazy to me. It was like playing Diablo, a game that knows that no one cares about the story they just like collecting things in dungeons. Go from point A to point B, learn something new, continue to point C. Eventually you have won, and you’ve repaired your relationship with your daughter by the end. But this game never wins, and you never collect anything from the dungeon. It’s like there wasn’t a dungeon at all! Anyway, back to my review of Diablo 3 … wait … Bullet to the Head! That’s right! It’s not very good. The dialogue was also pretty weak and deflating. I harken back to the moment when they said, “Let’s go take a bath,” when going to the bathhouse. Really? That’s not a thing two dudes typically say to each other outside of the Castro district. They also use their dialogue to express the characters emotions, probably because the actors weren’t really able to convey it with their performances. Characters will just proclaim out loud that they’re bummed they didn’t kill Keegan when he had the chance. I can assume that much, Sly. And then the dialogue didn’t even get things right, like when they proclaimed that Blanchard’s heart was punctured when he was stabbed. He was stabbed in the side! That’s not how anatomy works. I’ll allow a punctured lung at best! And since we’re talking about the violence, what can usually sell a movie like this is having some decent action. This movie didn’t bother with that. Almost all of the action was as simple as one dude shooting another dude until the final fight with Keegan (which was decent). That’s not very interesting to me. Especially since even the most cannon fodder of enemies took an entire clip to take down for some reason. I guess they decided that, since all they were doing was shooting people, they might as well amp that up by doubling down on the bullets.
No surprise here, but the performances were entirely whelming. Not over or underwhelming; just whelming. That’s apparently a word (or at least Microsoft Word doesn’t have a problem with it), so don’t say I never taught you anything. One thing I didn’t teach you is that Stallone is not the most impressive of actors. It’s also not the best idea to make someone who is renowned for being hard to understand the narrator of your movie. He also didn’t seem that interested in participating in the movie, but I couldn’t say that I blamed him for that. Sung Kang didn’t do anything I was altogether fond of. He mainly seemed like the whiny partner through most of the movie. Sarah Shahi impressed me with hotness, but not much else. I also find myself inexplicably fond of Jason Momoa. I didn’t like him when I was introduced to him in the Conan piece of crap, but I did like him a lot in Game of Thrones. So that’s a thing. Right?
The best I can say about Bullet to the Head is that it’s mediocre. The story seems lazy and the dialogue is entirely unimpressive, and they don’t even bother to kick that up a notch with some good action until maybe the very end when they had already lost me. There’s really nothing to this movie that can cause me to recommend you watch it. It wouldn’t destroy you with its awfulness, but it may bore you to anger. Bullet to the Head gets “I take out the trash!” out of “Bang. Down. Owned.”
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