Is There Pussy in Heaven, Post?
Today’s movie was not requested, but tomorrow’s movie was. And I felt that I was not able to review tomorrow’s movie for the people that requested it without watching today’s movie so that we could all follow the highly cerebral storyline. And yes, this is technically the 5th movie in this series, but I was not fixing to review the other 5 without them being requested. I started with this movie because it’s the movie that caused the character to wind up in the hood. I’m still completely in the dark about what started Fabio and Ewic recommending that I review the Back 2 tha Hood version of this movie series, but they did and they did a lot. Well they need only wait one more day for today’s movie is Leprechaun: In the Hood, written by Doug Hall, John Huffman, Mark Jones, Alan Reynolds, Rob Spera, and William Wells (‘cause all of them could fix it), directed by Rob Spera, and starring Warwick Davis, Ice-T, Anthony Montgomery, Rashaan Nall, and Red Grant.
A man named Mac Daddy O’Nassas (Ice-T), so called because Mac Daddy Owns Asses, finds a leprechaun statue surrounded by gold. As he starts collecting all of the gold – including a special golden flute – he removes a pendant from around the leprechaun statue’s neck, freeing the Leprechaun (Warwick Davis) from his stone tomb. He kills one of Mac Daddy’s friends with his hair pick (not my joke, don’t call me racist) before Mac Daddy accidentally – and miraculously – makes the Leprechaun stumble onto a seesaw, launching the necklace into the air and having it land around his head again, turning him back to a statue. 20 years later, we join aspiring rappers Postmaster P. Smith (Anthony Montgomery), Stray Bullet (Rashaan Nall), and Butch (Red Grant) as they unsuccessfully try to kick start their position in the rap game. They meet Mac Daddy – now a very popular rap artist – who listens to, and disses, their demo tape. In retaliation, they decide to break into Mac Daddy’s crib and start robbing him. Mac Daddy finds them and the Postmaster shoots him. They then steal the flute and the necklace from the leprechaun statue, setting him free once again. Now, with both Mac Daddy and the Leprechaun on their tails, the three decide to ignore that stuff for the most part and continue to focus on their rap career.
I hope, for your sake, that you didn’t go into this review thinking this movie would be good. Then it should be a big surprise for you that this movie is great … fodder for me to mock. This movie sucks so bad it’s offensive. And then it’s pretty offensive as well. I admit that I got off to the wrong start with this movie, going in expecting a shitty horror movie. I had no idea that it was their intention to make a comedy. Although, with this movie, I feel like they called it a comedy as an excuse so that they could say everything that sucked about their movie was intended as a joke. This is something that they’d need to point out because I’d need to be informed about what things in here they intended to be funny. I wouldn’t have been able to guess on my own. I guess it’s nice that, when they went for comedy in their horror movie, they at least had the decency to fail at it. Was the black guy with the giant afro getting stabbed by the Leprechaun with his afro pick a joke, or just racist? And if that wasn’t racist, how about Ice-T pulling a switch blade out of his afro? And, finding that was useless, how about when he pulled the baseball bat out of his afro? They sometimes tried to combine their comedy with the horror aspects of the movie, like when someone said something about blowing (I don’t remember if it was “blow me” or “blow away”) and the Leprechaun knocked a hole through his midsection. But what did this have to do with blowing? You could’ve at least tried to show that you know how shitty comedy works by having him fake blowing a kiss at him and that knocking the hole out. Or maybe you could’ve done that thing that parents do to babies where you blow on their belly to make them giggle. Of course, they could always do something awesome like have the Leprechaun summon his zombie Fly Girls. You might ask yourself, “I can see Fly Girls having something to do with ‘the hood’, but what do zombies have to do with Leprechauns?” to which I would respond, “Uh….LOOK OVER THERE!” At least these girls were completely ineffectual, so they captured the creature of woman correctly. The zombie Fly Girls only ever really served as eye candy, distracting a victim while the Leprechaun killed them, even though he was supposed to be trapped in a safe at the time and it was never explained how he escaped. A lot of the story is driven by this flute. You blow into it and everyone listening turns towards it and stares, dumbfounded. I imagine that I’d have the same reaction because I never really understood what it was doing. The four rappers are really interested in it because people apparently get into their shitty raps when it’s preceded with the flute, making this strangely important to them. After the Leprechaun has taken back the flute and killed one of the three starring rappers, the remaining two decide they’re going to risk life and limb to retrieve it. But why? First, you know it’s just going to make the Leprechaun start chasing you again, and he’s outsmarted you many times already and will happily kill you for it, so it seems like more of a hassle than you’d want. And second, wouldn’t you eventually start to resent your success because you’re just tricking people into liking your shitty music? It’s still shitty. I imagine I’d start hating my life because I was only famous through trickery, not talent. Of course, this whole situation leads to another problem: why did the Leprechaun let them live in the first place? I’ve seen a couple of the Leprechaun movies before, and I’ve never known the Leprechaun to let people live after he’s retrieved his gold from them. Perhaps he’s softened with age and is more of a fun loving creature by this point, but it’s obviously not working out for him. Killing just one of them to send a message to the other two only strengthened their resolve. Go back to killing, Leprechaun. It’s what you’re good at. Except when you’re choking someone and your thumb is on the same side of the victim’s neck as the rest of your fingers. I don’t think squeezing works that way.
Best I can tell, Rob Spera is a white guy, so of course his movie about the Leprechaun going to the hood is going to include lots of rap music. What else do “the blacks” have? …Is what I imagine he’d ask. Not me, though. I’m totally color blind, y’all! But I’m not color deaf, and the rappers in the movie can definitely leave rap alone. The game does not need them at all. My assumption is that the three rappers in this movie were friends or relatives of the producers or something and used that to try to get their rhymes onto film. It makes even less sense to me that shitty raps would be on display in this movie when two accomplished rappers (Ice-T and Coolio) took part in the movie. And, of course, you can assume going into this movie that you’ll have to endure the Leprechaun rapping. After all, he spends most of the movie speaking in limerick form anyway, so it’s not a far departure to have him rap. I was excited for more than one reason when the movie was coming to its conclusion, and mostly because I had not yet had to hear the Leprechaun rap, but then they catch us with a late hit, having the Leprechaun rap at the very end of the movie and underneath the credits.
Almost every single one of the performances sucked in this movie. I still like Warwick Davis, and I think he did as good a job as he could as the Leprechaun. The makeup did most of the work for him to make him somewhat intimidating, but he did his own thing too. The only thing I have to say about all three of the starring rappers (Anthony Montgomery, Rashaan Nall, and Red Grant) is that they sucked. 90% of their dialogue was just the N-word, and the rest of it was either crap from the writing or crap in the delivery. Mostly both. Ice-T surprised me most in this movie with how much he sucked. This guy does acting professionally now, right? His performance was way too obvious in this movie, reminiscent of non-professional actors from YouTube videos. I guess he’s gotten much better since this movie, but I’ve also never seen him on whichever of the 2,700 procedural cop shows that he’s on.
Leprechaun: In the Hood sucks. It fails as a horror movie and tries to pawn it’s crappiness off as humor, which it also fails at. The only thing I came remotely close to enjoying about this movie was Warwick Davis, who does a decent enough job as the Leprechaun, but he can’t really do much with writing this bad. You can, and should, not bother watching this movie. You could stream it on Netflix, but I wouldn’t really recommend you do so. But I’m not worried because tomorrow’s movie is Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, which I can only assume is really awesome, based on how much Fabio and Ewic talk about it. See you then! Leprechaun: In the Hood gets “Death to he who sets a Leprechaun free” out of “The Leprechaun is the real O.G.”
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