The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (2011)

You Deserve to Live With This

Today is a good day.  I woke up around noon, had a nice breakfast, and sat down to watch the fourth Twilight movie.  Yeah, that last part doesn’t seem to fit within the “good day” category, but I’m staying positive.  No matter how good or bad this movie is, I’m done watching Twilight movies until sometime in November.  And, since there’s no way I’m paying to see a Twilight movie in theaters ever again (I was already burned by that once with the first movie), I won’t have to watch Twilight again until it comes out on DVD and I can beat up some emo high school girl for her copy of the DVD outside of a Best Buy so that they’ll get no more money from me whatsoever.  Or I can rent it from RedBox.  We’ll see.  And we’ll also see what I thought of the fourth Twilight film today, in my review of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, based on a novel by Stephenie Meyer, written for the screen by Melissa Rosenberg, directed by Bill Condon, and starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Nikki Reed, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke, Julia Jones, Booboo Stewart, MyAnna Buring, Maggie Grace, Casey LaBow, Chaske Spencer, Christian Camargo, Mia Maestro, Michael Sheen, Jamie Campbell Bower, Christopher Heyerdahl, and Mackenzie Foy.

Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is having her soon-to-be “sister”-in-law Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) plan her upcoming wedding to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) because Bella is too busy trying to fit a square-shaped block into a round peg hole with a squeaky mallet.  The wedding goes smoothly, finding one hiccup when Bella tells the guy that she’s been stringing along, Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), that she intends to consummate her marriage with Edward on their honeymoon.  Though this is fairly typical, Jacob gets pretty angry at Bella for taking the risk, fearing that her vampire husband will eat her, but in a bad way.  Their honeymoon starts off fairly nicely.  Edward kills Bella…’s pussy!  HAHA!  But he stops having sex with her when he realizes that he’s bruised her arm during the coitus.  Two weeks into the honeymoon, Bella inexplicably figures out that she’s pregnant with Edward’s demon baby.  They return to Forks so that the Cullens – Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli), Esme (Elizabeth Reaser), Rosalie (Nikki Reed), Alice (Ashley Greene), Emmett (Kellen Lutz), and Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) – can help them figure out what to do.  Jacob comes over to find Bella – 4 weeks pregnant and incredibly showing, somehow – and gets mad, thinking this baby will kill Bella.  Yet, when Jacob’s werewolf brethren decide they will kill the abomination inside Bella, Jacob leaves the pack with Leah (Julia Jones) and Seth Clearwater (Booboo Stewart) to protect Bella.

Much as Eclipse, I feel that Breaking Dawn was thoroughly okay, but for different reasons.  They finally got a little closer to writing a decent story, but it was kind of boring as well, not having any real action until the end.  I’m not saying there needs to be epic vampire throwdowns in every one of these movies; I know that these movies are just supposed to be sappy romantic movies that suck the coolness out of the vampire genre.  But if you’re not going to base your movie around the action, then you need something to keep the audience paying attention.  This movie could’ve used some tension to it, but they never really succeeded on any.  Without that, you’re just watching someone’s wedding video.  Yeah it’s pretty, and women are probably going to cry, but I’ve fallen asleep.  I was hoping that someone at the wedding would get a papercut to make it more interesting.  Then Bella and Edward go to Rio de Janiero, of course stopping by to show that giant Jesus on the hill, and get to the sex.  I have a problem with this scene that may be a little icky.  If Bella was, in fact, a virgin, and Edward was breaking her hymen for the first time, would there not be a strong possibility that there would be a little bit of blood?  I know it’s probably not how they wanted their series to end, but I would’ve thought it was amazing if that happened and Edward tore Bella to shreds because of his bloodlust.  There are holes in my logic, since the last movie said that Edward was no longer blood-crazed with Bella, but it was a golden opportunity to end this series once and for all.  Instead of relieving the world of Bella, they make another one, while simultaneously deciding to ignore logic.  I consulted my many currently and recently pregnant friends and this movie was way off.  She is already looking in the mirror for signs of showing at 2 weeks, and claiming she can feel the baby in there.  My friend Mike said that a baby would be the size of a poppy seed at 4 weeks (when Bella was fully showing, more closely resembling something around 6 months preggers).  Liz and Sasha tell me that about 5 months is when you first feel a baby, so they were only about 18 weeks off.  I know that the easy answer to all this is “Meaghan, Liz, and Sasha weren’t pregnant with undead demon babies as Bella is”, to which I respond “Fuck you”.  You drew her pregnancy out long enough that it felt like I’d been watching it for 9 months, so you might as well have gotten it right.  And what’s even more of an oversight on the part of the filmmakers is that Bella CLEARLY didn’t unlock her HTC Android phone when she put it up to her head and started talking to Rosalie.  I caught you again, Twilight!  Not much later in the movie, they have a pretty goofy conversation between a pack of giant, CG wolves that I was warned about, but I really didn’t find it that off-putting.  I know a lot about canine mannerisms, and I appreciated that they seemed to take them into consideration when it came to the main two wolves establishing dominance.

I found most of the movie fairly lackluster and a little boring.  The redeeming qualities of the movie can be found in the end of the movie, but it will also require a ::SPOILER ALERT::  The wolves attack the Cullens right after Bella has seemingly died during childbirth, but the baby, Renesmee, is alive and well.  Edward, Alice, and Jasper are prepared to throwdown to save the baby.  They’re outnumbered and are losing until Carlisle and Esme return, but it’s not until the wolves Seth and Leah (that have heretofore hated the Cullens) join in to help them.  And it’s finally won when the pack must leave because Jacob “imprinted” on Renesmee, which I think means he peed on her, but it also means that the wolves can’t harm her.  I had heard about this imprinting thing long before this movie came out and it was very off-putting.  The idea of an 18-year-old guy falling in love with a newborn baby is more than a little bit icky.  And now that I’ve seen the movie and done a little bit of research on imprinting, it’s still a little bit icky, but at least somewhat excusable.  Because it’s involuntary and keeps the imprinter alive as long as the imprintee, one can assume that it won’t become icky until Renesmee is of a non-creepy age.  Although, for the next 18 years, I’m probably going to think it’s a little creepy.  It also served the story a great deal, putting a permanent end to the feud between the vampires and the werewolves that I never thought made sense in the first place.  The battle at the very end of this movie was pretty good, but not in the same league as the big battle with the newborn vampires from the last movie.  The CG wolves didn’t really work that well for me.  Neither did the very ending itself.  We know that Bella is turning vampire, but they drag it out for like five minutes.  They start letting the CG that turned her into an Ethiopian melt away while showing easy scenes from previous movies (maybe they ran out of money somehow), But they decided to show that her ribs were repaired by having her chest pop out like you just finished a game of Perfection.  (Anyone remember that game?  Google it)  Well it was gross and goofy.  Also, they drag out the scene of her laying on the bed and showing her entire life up to that point, then zoom in on her eyes and hover there for approximately 37 minutes, even though we all know what’s going to happen.  Pretty much any time anyone zooms in on someone who may or may not be dead’s eyes, we know they’re going to pop open.  Can we come up with a new way to do that?  ::END SPOILER::

The performances, as with the actors, have barely changed in this movie.  Kristen Stewart’s performance actually improved near the end of the movie.  Well, she looked like she was dying, so I enjoyed it more.  At the end, her performance was much worse because now she’ll be around forever.  Of course, that just means I won’t be.  Her performance didn’t change very much for the parts where she was sickly.  Knowing that she couldn’t convey dying with her performance, they just did it with CG instead.  It was vaguely convincing.  Robert Pattinson has still done nothing that I feel is a detriment or an asset to these movies.  Taylor Lautner has a part where he has to cry, and does well enough at it, but otherwise joins Pattinson in the mediocrity box.  My opinion of the remaining Cullen clan was mostly unchanged in this movie, but it was nice to see Rosalie not be a dirty bitch for a little while.

There’s really no telling if I enjoyed this movie more than it deserved because I have roughly a year without having to see another Twilight movie.  I’m just so happy, you guys.  This movie has a story that wasn’t that bad, but was dragged on far too long.  The redeeming part is at the end, so unfortunately you’ll have to sit through the whole thing to see the good part.  Only, that is, if you actually think there’s any reason to see even the good part, which there still isn’t.  You still don’t need to watch this movie.  If I had to write a list of the Twilight movies from the most tolerable down, it would go Eclipse, Breaking Dawn Part 1, the end.  I don’t count the first two as movies.  Unless Stephenie Meyer decides that she needs another wing for her mansion, we have only one more of these things to go, but not for a while.  So, I thankfully give The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 “You have to accept this for what it is” out of “It’s crushing you, from the inside out.”

Hey, peeps. Why not rate and comment on this as a favor to good ole Robert, eh? And tell your friends! Let’s make me famous!

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Trying to Walk and Chew Gum at the Same Time Again, Bella?

With the coming of each new Twilight movie, I tend to get really angry (for the reasons expressed in my previous 5,500 words and two reviews).  And each time a new one comes out I’m bombarded by the fans of the series with phrases like “This one was so much better than those two” and “This wasn’t nearly as bad.”  Before my reviews, I already knew that I hated Twilight and New Moon because I had already seen them.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I’m going into today’s movie fresh, though.  Yeah, I’ve never seen it, but the previous two movies pained me so much already, and I just don’t want to get hurt again.  But the show must go on, and so we jump into my review of the third movie in the series, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer, written for the screen by Melissa Rosenberg, directed by David Slade, and starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Bryce Dallas Howard, Xavier Samuel, Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke, Dakota Fanning, Jodelle Ferland, Cameron Bright, Anna Kendrick, and Michael Welch.

Victoria has decided to change tactics at the same time as she’s changed actresses.  She’s now trying to start an army by turning Riley Biers (Xavier Samuel) into a vampire and having him create an army for her.  Also, she’s Bryce Dallas Howard now.  This army is intended to help her finally get her revenge on the vampire Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) for killing her mate, James, in the first movie.  In order to get the proper type of revenge, she decides that killing Edward will not suffice, she will kill his girlfriend Isa”Bella” Swan (Kristen Stewart) first.  Back in the lame half of the story, Bella’s still bitching about Edward not making her a vampire yet, but simultaneously being resistant to agreeing to marry him.  She’s also dabbling in stringing along a wolf boy named Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).  The Newborn vampire army is beginning to get unruly in Seattle and the Cullen’s – Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli), Esme Cullen (Elizabeth Reaser), Alice (Ashley Greene), Emmett (Kellan Lutz), Rosalie (Nikki Reed), and Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) – are nervous that this will bring the attention of the Volturi, the powerful group of vampires that maintain the secrecy of the vampires.  Alice sees that the Newborn army are coming to Forks, so the Cullen’s form an uneasy alliance with the wolves to defend one stupid girl.

I will attempt to see if I can keep my vomiting to a low as I type the following sentence: Eclipse was not that bad.  Oh good, only threw up 4 times.  And I look fantastic now!  There’s a great dichotomy in this movie between the torturous scenes of mopey, stupid Bella dragging along two guys in their annoying, slow moving love triangle and the surprisingly appealing fight scenes between the vampires and the wolves.  Though they make attempts to explain Bella not wanting to get married, I still don’t buy it.  The movie starts with a conversation very similar to the one that ended the previous movie about Bella wanting Edward to turn her into a vampire so she could spend eternity with Edward, but she doesn’t want to get married to him.  I understand that your parents got a divorce and all, but you’re still being an idiot.  Yes, perhaps 2/3 of all marriages end in divorce, but I assure you that a great deal higher percentage of relationships end in break ups.  How about this: you decide if you want to spend eternity with this guy or not.  If you don’t want to, then there’s no fucking reason for you to be immortal!  Everyone in the movie also offers Bella pretty good arguments for why she should not become a vampire, and even why she should go with Jacob instead, but Bella’s too stupid for that.  Actually, Bella’s stupidity was lessened for this movie.  Her bitch quotient, however, was on the rise.  She seems slightly less stupid, which makes it that much worse that she’s knowingly stringing along two guys that are in love with her.  Bella also decides that it’s a good idea to drag Edward to sunny Florida, because that always works out for a vampire.  Nothing happened and there was barely any reason for him to even be there, so it was totally worth the risk.  I also found myself being very annoyed by the story that the wolf tribe tells about how their feud with the vampires began, mainly because it was all just a series of misunderstandings because everyone involved were jerks.  I support the idea of vampires killing people.  They’re just eating.  If it’s cool for us to eat cows and dogs (which it totally is), then I’m fine with them eating people.  That being said, a vampire was just having dinner and ate the wolf guy’s lady so he kills the vampire.  The vampire’s lady then gets pissed and kills a bunch of the Indians.  Then they kill her.  Sure, they’re BIG misunderstandings, but everyone should’ve just chilled out.  Thankfully, their only vaguely comprehensible feud is put on hold for this movie and it seems that it was coming to a halt at the end, so hopefully there will be one less stupid thing for me to be angry about in future movies.  That brings me back to Bella.  She tries to jump Edward’s bones in this movie, and that started to make me wonder whether or not a vampire would have to feed first to get the excess blood to fuel their … members.  Near the end of the movie, I started to think about something that started to make the entire purpose of this movie not make sense.  Why is Victoria even after Edward/Bella in the first place?  If she wants revenge for the death of James, shouldn’t she be going after Alice?  As I recall it, wasn’t Edward sucking on Bella’s wrist as Alice tore James’ head off?  Edward and Bella could easily be considered the reason that Alice killed James, but only as easily as one should consider James responsible for his own murder for randomly deciding that Bella was the one human in the world that he needed to eat.

There’s not a whole lot of redeeming qualities to be found in the story.  All of those qualities lie in the action.  One can only assume that so many other, weaker-willed men than myself ended their lives because of the first two movies.  Having had enough blood on their hands, they must’ve added some action to this one so that there would be at least one thing to be enjoyed in these movies.  The action was pretty good.  I was charmed and entertained by even the training that Jasper leads in the middle of the movie.  Of course, I started getting confused by his back story.  Wasn’t he acting like a newborn in the first Twilight movie?  Yet he’s older than the other vampires in the Cullen clan (except Dr. Handsome McFadden and Wifey Whatsername).  I just figured out that he was not a “vegetarian vampire” as long as the other Cullens, but if I was confused they probably did a poor job of explaining things.  Also, I didn’t really give a shit, so there’s that possibility too.  Anyway, back to the training.  The fights were well done, and these scenes actually elevated Jasper to the second least hated person in these movies.  But then he gets Alice, so I still kinda hate him.  The real good stuff is at the end of the movie, when the Cullens and the wolves throw down old-school against the Newborns.  The setup to the fight made me wonder if these Newborns were Bella-level stupid because they never thought twice about the conspicuousness of the idea of Bella apparently skipping through the forest, flicking her blood at trees.  Maybe they’re dumb; I’m okay with that.  What I’m more than okay with is the epic beatdown they caught.  The good guys left relatively unscathed, and also left a pile of dead Newborns burning in their wake … I probably should’ve called them something other than Newborns there.  That makes that statement seemed like the Cullens battles a group of toddlers.  The fight was graphically appealing and they choreographed a great deal of cool, interesting ways to kill vampires.  The random wolf guy/Edward vs. Riley/Victoria battle was pretty solid as well.  I was a bit deflated by the ending of both battles, though.  In the Victoria battle, it’s a bunch of tense situations piling up on top of each other until … Edward bites her and tears her head off.  It was so anticlimactic that it even seemed as if the musical score stopped abruptly so that the band could look at each other and say “Was that it?”  Then Edward lights Victoria’s body on fire by throwing a Zippo at her, causing her to immediately burst completely into flames … and also to immediately regret deciding to wear her gasoline-soaked jacked to the battle that day.  The other battle deflated me because Dakota Fanning commanded the brick shithouse dude to kill the innocent little girl that had seen the error of her ways.  That’s a bitch move, Dakota.  I randomly decided that I liked that girl in her 5 minutes of total screen time.

The performances are what they are.  Coworker Ashley made the claim that Kristen Stewart’s acting improved in this movie.  Best I can assume, she thinks Kristen Stewart is Ashley Greene.  I still think Kristen Stewart is awful in this movie, and I still think Bella’s special power is retardation.  We still call them “special”, right?  As I said, she seemed SLIGHTLY less moronic in this movie, replacing stupidity with being an asshole.  She also mostly dresses like she’s in Pearl Jam.  I hope she likes Kurt Cobain so much she shoots herself in the face with a shotgun.  I still have next to no impression of either Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner.  Both of them kind of walk the line between shit and great.  I pay attention to Ashley Greene for being good and adorable, and I pay attention to Kristen Stewart to see if I can see the mark of the Beast on her scalp somewhere, but Pattinson and Lautner don’t really do anything either way.  I guess you can call that a push.  Pattinson did get to voice my interior monologue for most of this and the last move when he said “Does he own any shirts?” about Lautner, but he seemed to say it as if it was a bad thing.  NO!  Stop it, Robert!  (Critic Robert, not Vampire Robert)  I was vaguely interested in the conversation that Pattinson and Lautner had about Bella in the tent towards the end of the movie, and I liked the last line Lautner delivered to Bella when she visited him after his injury.  I also started liking Jackson Rathbone as Jasper a little more in this movie.  He had previously just been the creepy guy with the Jewfro, but he got to be a bit of a badass in this movie.  Bryce Dallas Howard took over for Rachelle Lefevre in this movie.  I understand that this movie required much more of a performance from the Victoria character and I kind of like BDH.

I think I’ve officially written more kind words about Twilight than I’ve ever said out loud or even though before.  I gave them nearly an entire paragraph of niceties!  I’m as shocked as you are.  Would I say this is a good movie?  Not at all.  Would I recommend you see it?  Nope.  But, it’s the best Twilight movie by far, and if you get dragged to this one by a lady with low standards for movies (also known as “A Twilight Fan”), you can rest assured that there are a couple of good action scenes in this movie; you just need to wait for them a bit.  The story has not improved much, and only a couple of lines of dialogue were clever.  The action is pretty fantastic, but the bulk of the movie is still the worst example of romantic crap you can find.  I have not gotten myself excited to watch the next movie for any reason other than I get to be done with Twilight until November afterwards.  This movie has taken the fraction of watchable hours in the total Twilight series to about 1/6, so I’m not getting my hopes up just yet.  We’ll find out tomorrow.  The Twilight Saga: Eclipse gets “I punched a werewolf in the face” out of “One more thing.  Never turn your back on your enemy.”

Hey, peeps. Why not rate and comment on this as a favor to good ole Robert, eh? And tell your friends! Let’s make me famous!

Twilight (2008)

What a Stupid Lamb

I knew this moment would come, but I crossed my fingers that it wouldn’t.  When I introduced the idea of taking people’s recommendations for my reviews, I started the timer on when today would actually arrive.  It actually took a lot longer than I expected.  From the start, most people reacted to my request for recommendations with movies I would probably hate (Hannah Montana: The Movie, for instance), but not until just recently did someone actually unleash true punishment on me.  They requested it almost a month ago, and I put it off as long as I could, but it’s time has come.  I decided to start doing it on March first somewhat arbitrarily, but I decided that the reason I started in March was because I want everyone involved in this movie to march off the nearest cliff.  All that being said, Chris, Krunchee, and Ashley requested it, so I begrudgingly present you with my review of Twilight, based on a series of novels by Stephenie Meyer, written for the screen by Mark Lord and Melissa Rosenberg, directed by Catherine Hardwicke, and starring Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Cam Gigandet, Rachelle Lefevre, Edi Gathegi, Anna Kendrick, Christian Serratos, Michael Welch, Gregory Boyce, Justin Chon, and Taylor Lautner.

Though no such back story was given, I assume that Isabella “Bella” Swan (Kristen Stewart) was dropped on her head as a child by her father, Charlie Swan (Billy Burke), which caused her mother, Sarah Clarke (Renee Dwyer), to taker her away from him.  Cut to age seventeen and, even though Bella’s speech impediment has not cleared up, momma has a new man now, so she pawns Bella off on her father and hits the road in search of adventure.  Bella moves in with her dad in a town that is somehow named Forks and starts going to high school there, quickly meeting and befriending Jessica (Anna Kendrick), Angela (Christian Serratos), Mike (Michael Welch), Tyler (Gregory Boyce), and Eric (Justin).  They tell her about the strange family that hangs out together (and probably gets busy together) called the Cullens, comprised of father Carlisle (Peter Facinelli), mother Esme (Elizabeth Reaser), Alice (Ashley Greene) who is probably fucking her “brother” Jasper (Jackson Rathbone), and Rosalie (Nikki Reed) who is probably fucking her “brother” Emmett (Kellan Lutz).  But Bella decides to get all kinds of hot and bothered over Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), roughly around the same time hundreds of thousands of 12-year-old girls do.  Bella gets intrigued by Edward.  There was just something about his pasty white skin, pointy teeth, pitch black eyes, and his bat wings that catches her attention.  He, however, looks like he wants to throw up whenever she comes near.  Britney Spears’ new perfume really doesn’t smell that good, I’m with you Eddie.  She starts getting closer to Edward after he shoves a car away to save her life.  She still hasn’t caught on yet.  Well eventually it turns out that he’s a vampire, along with all of the Cullens.  But they don’t eat people.  The other three vampires – James (Cam Gigandet), Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre), and Laurent (Edi Gathegi) – do.  A lot.  It’s beginning to cause trouble for the Cullen family (apparently.  It’s never really shown in the movie) but Bella and Edward can’t be concerned with that because they’re having some angsty love situation.

Fuck this movie.  You know what made me hate Drive so much?  It’s not ONLY that the movie itself was awful, but it was how many people tried to explain to me that I was wrong.  And when that happened to Drive, it made me think about Twilight, and Heaven help anyone that makes me think about Twilight!  The story of this movie is high school drama bullshit in the background, vampire movie in the foreground, and neither one worth watching.  Much as with Ghost Rider, I took too many notes watching this movie, so I’m just going to have to go in order with the things that pissed me off about this movie.  One of the first irritants I came across in this movie was Edward’s reaction to Bella.  At first, it was never explained why he looked like he was going to blow chunks the second he smelled her.  As a member of the audience, I couldn’t tell what her hygiene was.  I completely understand getting sick when spending time with Kristen Stewart, but it wouldn’t show up in a physical manifestation for me to get irritated with her and want to punch her in the face … unless I DID punch her in the face, then I guess that would be physical.  When Edward stops the car from hitting Bella it served to make me very angry that he didn’t let the movie end right then, but it also pissed me off at Bella’s stupidity even further.  Her first question is “How did you get here so fast?” and not “How is your pimp hand so strong that you just bitch-smacked that car away and dented it’s side?”  There are people that could run fast enough to cross that parking lot, especially since your attention had been turned towards the car and he could have reacted faster than a tree sloth as you did.  What humans CAN’T do is bitch-smack cars out of the way.  But Bella’s denseness was not for only this scene.  I wondered through the first half of this movie if Bella would eventually catch on to what’s going on by the third movie.  Thankfully, they decided to throw that in here so we could move on without this shitty attempt to keep it a secret.  His paleness, sharp teeth, inexplicable absence when the sun was out, ability to run inhumanly fast and bitch-smack cars, not eating, showing up when she was in danger; none of this helped Bella.  Jacob had to practically say it to her face and then she figured it out about 20 minutes later.  I grant that I went in to this movie knowing he was a vampire and she was stupid, but I think I would’ve figured it out when I first saw them.  Why does everyone in monster movies seemingly live in a world where no one has ever made a monster movie that they can connect the dots to?  At some point in the movie, the random deaths of people around town causes Bella’s father to give her a bottle of mace to carry with her, and she seems really put off by this.  YOU JUST ARRIVED HOME FROM A TRIP THAT ALMOST HAD YOU GETTING GANGRAPED!  And THEN you followed that up by going to he scene of a homicide with a vampire.  God, you’re thick, Bella!  I laughed to myself when Edward and Bella started dating officially because he decided to wear a pair of sunglasses and act like “the cool guy” because of it, but it just reminded me of Tobey McGuire in Spiderman 3.  The whole relationship between Edward and Bella is a little icky because it’s roughly the equivalent of me dating a hamburger, and people called me weird for doing that so we had to break up … plus, I ate her.  And Bella isn’t much smarter than Patty was before her untimely death, so don’t give me that shit either.  The ending of the movie didn’t really make sense to me either, but I’m not going to throw up a spoiler alert because I don’t want you people watching this movie anyways.  At the end of the movie, Bella has been being hunted by James and is cornered in a ballet studio where he starts torturing her for his own amusement, and to film and send to Edward as a fuck you.  But wasn’t his only driving factor the hunt?  If that’s the case, then the hunt was over and he should’ve eaten her by the time Edward even arrived.  What’s worse than that is that Bella gets beaten up, has her leg broken, has a piece of glass stuck in her leg, and was bitten on the wrist.  How do they explain this to the world?  She fell down the stairs!  AND out a window!  (I just realized that smashing the buttons on the keyboard doesn’t properly express my frustration)  This explanation is exactly the same one that victims of abuse use, but much more stupid.

I’m not quite done with the writing yet.  It’s so bad that it gets it’s own paragraph, but here comes the dialogue part.  Completely shitty!  SURPRISE!  In the beginning of the movie, Bella exclaims “It’s perfect!” when her dad gives her the gift of a the very first truck ever made.  It’s every teenaged girl’s fantasy come true!  When Bella finally starts talking to Edward (his inexplicable gagging compulsions having gone away) she goes on about how much she hates the rain, and this speech is very reminiscent of the famous “I hate sand” speech from Star Wars Episode 2.  Both made me yell out “WHY AM I LISTENING TO THIS?!”  This is a movie!  I want to be entertained, not listen to two people talk about their thoughts on the weather and how rain makes things wet.  I don’t remember the context anymore (thankfully my brain is already relieving me of this movie like a splinter being pushed out), but at one point Edward and Bella are talking and she says “Pretend that I am dumb”, and I just giggled to myself for obvious reasons.  One of the biggest problems with the dialogue was how shitty Edward was at keeping his HUGE FUCKING SECRET!  When he’s in the car with Bella, he basically says “I read their mind and they were going to rape you.”  Add that to the other times he let slip something stupid, and the time he saved her from the car, and a peanut butter sandwich would’ve figured it out by now.  Bella got it about 10 minutes later.  It’s pretty easy to figure out why you can’t read someone’s mind when the answer is “Because they lack the necessary equipment to hold up her end of the deal.”  It’s the same reason I can’t watch TV when the power is off.  But how did Edward manage to only have conversations with people with negative IQ’s for 108 years, or have the Cullen family just had to pick up and move after massacring an entire town because Edward said something stupid.  Later, Bella’s stupid little narrations indicate that there are only three things she’s absolutely positive about and they’re all basically that she loves Edward and he wants to eat her.  Really?  Those are the ONLY things that you’re sure of?  You’re not sure that you’re a girl?  Or that your hair is brown?  Or that you’re an idiot?  After Bella knows that Edward is a vampire, they waste a good 10 minutes in the middle of the movie with Bella asking him questions about being a vampire that are stupid, serve no purpose, are unnecessary, and slow the already molasses-like pace of the movie down to almost a stop.  Edward also admits to Bella that he’s been sneaking into her room for the past few months and it just makes her love him more, as opposed to being creeped out.  Bella’s narration also says twice in the movie that she’s “never given much though to how she would die”, but after this movie, I can tell you that I’ve thought about it.  A lot.

I’ll talk briefly about the look of the movie.  It also sucked.  Everything in the movie was gloomy and morose.  I’m sure that’s what they were going for, but it also depressed me to look at it.  That could have just been because I knew I was watching Twilight though.  This movie probably didn’t have a very large budget and I understand that, but adding blurriness to a woman pulling a boat closer or kicking a guy in the chest doesn’t automatically make it look supernatural.  It just makes me think she had a tit fall out.  Speaking of that, the fast running and fast climbing things that Edward did with Bella were some of the least convincing effects in recent memory.  Even worse than that was what they did to the entire vampire mythos: when they decided that vampires don’t walk out into the sunlight and explode into flames, they just become FABULOUS!  Turning vampires in sunlight into glittery sparklefarts pisses me off to no end.  What makes it worse is that Edward reacts to Bella saying he looks beautiful by saying “This is the skin of a killer!”  Really?  Are you sure it’s not the skin of someone who’s spent the entire night in a gay nightclub?  Not that it would matter to Bella anyway since she follows that up with “It doesn’t matter.”  That’s kind of true though; I’ve dated lots of serial murderers.  It doesn’t really matter if the love is there.  I guess about two thousand words into my review is the appropriate time to say something that wasn’t that bad in this movie, and the baseball game and final fight of the movie were somewhat interesting.  The baseball game served next to no purpose, but it was fun to watch superpowered things play baseball.  And James and Edward throwing down at the very end was kind of cool, but too little too late.

Next to the story, the worst thing about this movie is the performances.  And the worst thing about those performances was Kristen Stewart.  Every conversation in this movie was awkward and uncomfortable to watch, and Kristen Stewart was mostly the reason, as she was involved in almost every conversation.  90% of the things coming out of her mouth in this movie was some strange, stuttering, embarrassed, sigh noise that I can best express in text as “Tsh” and “Chuh”.  It’s like someone ran up to her and flashed her their dick right before she started talking so that she was flustered and confused.  Someone argued with me that this was how Bella was written, and I grant that everything else in this movie leads me to believe that Bella was a moron, but Bella was also not written into EVERY Kristen Stewart movie that I’ve seen.  She did the same thing in Adventureland and in The Runaways, and I’m pretty sure Joan Jett was more articulate than this.  It comes to a pinnacle when she’s in the hospital and Edward is talking about leaving her or something and the next 20 “words” out of her mouth are “tshchuhgahchuhgahtsh ….. guh”.  It finally stopped when I slammed my head down on my computer desk and the DVD skipped forward a few seconds.  Robert Pattinson didn’t do much to particularly anger me with his performance, but it wasn’t really good either.  I guess mediocre looks a lot better when you’re mainly acting opposite Kristen Stewart.  Probably the best part about the cast was the girls in the movie.  Nikki Reed, Anna Kendrick, Rachelle Lefevre, and that one Asian friend of Bellas were all pretty nice to look at.  Their characters weren’t interesting, but they sure were purdy.  Technically, Kristen Stewart is attractive too … right up until she talks.  Well, I use “talk” loosely there.  Ashley Greene was the best one, by far.  Not only was she the best looking, but I found her character interesting because of her precognitive abilities, and she acted it in a quirky way that I found cute.  The movie’s reaction to me finally liking one of the characters in the movie was to not have her around very often.  I did have a funny thought on Peter Facinelli as the Cullen “father”, but it was only funny to me because the way he enters when Bella is in the hospital after the car incident made me laugh and change his name to Dr. Handsome McFadden in my mind.  Taylor Lautner wasn’t in this movie very much (probably ’cause he didn’t have them abs yet), and the few times he was in the movie he made me think it was a Native American version of Jason Mewes.

I just got carpal tunnel syndrome from this review.  I hope that the next three movies will be better (or at least that I’ve released the majority of my bile), allowing the next reviews to be shorter and less hateful.  But, judging by the scores on Rotten Tomatoes for the other movies, this will most likely not be the case.  This is actually the highest rated of the four Twilight movies, and that statement just made me very nervous.  But I will go on.  The next three reviews will either be reviews of the remaining Twilight movies, or my suicide letter.  Perhaps both.  My recommendation is that no one should ever watch this movie.  My sincere hope is that no one will ever try to justify their love for this ungodly movie to me again.  At least, if they do, I have almost 3000 words prepared for why I hate it so much.  Women, I know this is a romance movie, but have a little self respect and like one that doesn’t make their heroine look like it would lose a debate to a tree stump.  You’re not required to like everything that has romance in it.  With that, I give Twilight “Well then I hope you enjoy disappointment” out of “Bella, you hit your head.  I think you’re confused.”

Hey, peeps. Why not rate and comment on this as a favor to good ole Robert, eh? And tell your friends! Let’s make me famous!