Bullet to the Head (2012)


When I Want Your Opinion, I Will Buy You a Brain.

Bullet to the Head (2012)I had a vague attraction to today’s movie for no reason other than the fact that I like some good cheese on occasion.  That’s really all this movie seemed to be to me.  I was aware of the movie’s arrival to RedBox long before I ever felt the urge to rent it because I would have to be in the mood for some cheesy action.  And then my friend Francisco requested that I review the movie.  Now I had slightly more motivation.  When his name came up on my list, I got myself to a RedBox so that I could finally review Bullet to the Head, based on the French graphic novel Du Plomb Dans La Tete by Alexis Nolent, written by Alessandro Camon, directed by Walter Hill, and starring Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Jason Momoa, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Sarah Shahi, Christian Slater, and Jon Seda.

Two hitmen – James Jimmy “Bobo” Bonomo (Sylvester Stallone) and Louis Blanchard (Jon Seda) – kill a corrupt cop and he cokes it up with a prostitute, who Jimmy Bobo leaves alive.  Shortly afterwards, Louis is killed by another hitman named Keegan (Jason Momoa).  Detective Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang) arrives and starts investigating the murder and puts together that Blanchard and Jimmy Bobo killed the cop.  Kwon confronts Jimmy Bobo and is later attacked by corrupt cops, owned by Keegan and Jimmy Bobo’s employer Robert Morel (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), but Jimmy Bobo rescues him, taking him to his daughter Lisa’s (Sarah Shahi) tattoo parlor to get treated for his injuries.  Reluctantly, Kwon and Jimmy Bobo team up to reach the bottom of the situation.

I got bored even typing the summary of this thing!  This was a really lackluster movie.  It was basically what I expected it would be, but not nearly as fun and campy as most of the cheese Stallone takes part in.  It was just really bleh.  The story came across as really lazy to me.  It was like playing Diablo, a game that knows that no one cares about the story they just like collecting things in dungeons.  Go from point A to point B, learn something new, continue to point C.  Eventually you have won, and you’ve repaired your relationship with your daughter by the end.  But this game never wins, and you never collect anything from the dungeon.  It’s like there wasn’t a dungeon at all!  Anyway, back to my review of Diablo 3 … wait …  Bullet to the Head!  That’s right!  It’s not very good.  The dialogue was also pretty weak and deflating.  I harken back to the moment when they said, “Let’s go take a bath,” when going to the bathhouse.  Really?  That’s not a thing two dudes typically say to each other outside of the Castro district.  They also use their dialogue to express the characters emotions, probably because the actors weren’t really able to convey it with their performances.  Characters will just proclaim out loud that they’re bummed they didn’t kill Keegan when he had the chance.  I can assume that much, Sly.  And then the dialogue didn’t even get things right, like when they proclaimed that Blanchard’s heart was punctured when he was stabbed.  He was stabbed in the side!  That’s not how anatomy works.  I’ll allow a punctured lung at best!  And since we’re talking about the violence, what can usually sell a movie like this is having some decent action.  This movie didn’t bother with that.  Almost all of the action was as simple as one dude shooting another dude until the final fight with Keegan (which was decent).  That’s not very interesting to me.  Especially since even the most cannon fodder of enemies took an entire clip to take down for some reason.  I guess they decided that, since all they were doing was shooting people, they might as well amp that up by doubling down on the bullets.

No surprise here, but the performances were entirely whelming.  Not over or underwhelming; just whelming.  That’s apparently a word (or at least Microsoft Word doesn’t have a problem with it), so don’t say I never taught you anything.  One thing I didn’t teach you is that Stallone is not the most impressive of actors.  It’s also not the best idea to make someone who is renowned for being hard to understand the narrator of your movie.  He also didn’t seem that interested in participating in the movie, but I couldn’t say that I blamed him for that.  Sung Kang didn’t do anything I was altogether fond of.  He mainly seemed like the whiny partner through most of the movie.  Sarah Shahi impressed me with hotness, but not much else.  I also find myself inexplicably fond of Jason Momoa.  I didn’t like him when I was introduced to him in the Conan piece of crap, but I did like him a lot in Game of Thrones.  So that’s a thing.  Right?

The best I can say about Bullet to the Head is that it’s mediocre.  The story seems lazy and the dialogue is entirely unimpressive, and they don’t even bother to kick that up a notch with some good action until maybe the very end when they had already lost me.  There’s really nothing to this movie that can cause me to recommend you watch it.  It wouldn’t destroy you with its awfulness, but it may bore you to anger.  Bullet to the Head gets “I take out the trash!” out of “Bang.  Down.  Owned.”

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Fast & Furious 6 (2013)


Ride or Die, Remember?

Fast & Furious 6 (2013)I was personally not that interested in seeing the movie that I am reviewing. This is the sixth part in a movie series I have been mostly disinterested in all the way through. Whichever ones I saw of the first four did nothing for me, though I did enjoy the fifth one for what it was. When they released the sixth one, I still couldn’t muster any interest in it because 1/5 is still not a great ratio. But my friend Greg said that the sixth was worth seeing, more like the fifth than the other four that preceded. Jesus I’m sick of typing numbers! Let me do just one more as I review Fast & Furious 6, written by Chris Morgan, directed by Justin Lin, and starring Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Luke Evans, Gina Carano, Tyrese Gibson, Chris Bridges, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, John Ortiz, Joe Taslim, Clara Paget, Kim Kold, Jordana Brewster, and Elsa Pataky.

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his gang – Roman Pearce (Tyrese Gibson), Tej Parker (Chris Bridges), Han Seoul-Oh (Sung Kang), and Gisele Yashar (Gal Gadot) – have retired after becoming rich from their successful heist in Rio, and because Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) and Dom’s sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) have spawned. DSS agent Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) and his partner Riley Hicks (Gina Carano) have other things in mind for them, such as taking down a former British Special Forces soldier turned bad, Owen Shaw (Luke Evans), before he builds something bad. But Hobbs would need something big to make Dom come out of retirement and get the band back together, and something much more important than that being the cliché that starts all of these sorts of movies. Hobbs has just the thing. Dom’s former girlfriend and current amnesiac Letty Ortiz (Michelle Rodriguez) is a member of Shaw’s team. Let’s get these cliché’s started!

I didn’t go into this movie with any expectations, and I was right. Story is probably never going to be a strong point of the Fast movies, and I’m sure no one goes in with expectations of anything different. But the story of this movie was quite a trudge for me. How hard can you dig into the cliché barrel in one movie? Coming out of retirement. Getting the band back together. Amnesia. It’s like soap opera quality writing with a few more explosions and face-punches. And we got the band back together on the last movie! So you’re not only using clichés, you’re RE-using clichés! And if elements of your story hadn’t already been done to death, you could only manage passing sense with your own story elements. You have an important mission to accomplish, but you can take time out in the middle for a random street race? I know you could argue that Dom did it thinking that Letty would be there, but what was her justification for it? I think the only real argument you could make was that this is a Fast movie so they felt obligated to do it, whether it made sense or not. Maybe they just did it to keep the audience from getting bored, but it didn’t work on me. I was well into bored by the time Shaw and Dom met up after that for their scheduled dick-measuring contest. It also made no damned sense that Brian went back to LA to find out how Letty got involved. He flies back, gets himself arrested, gets himself thrown into solitary confinement, all just to talk to a mob boss and find out what bullshit they made up to justify Letty surviving the explosion that supposedly killed her. But then he returns and Dom says that information was just for him, and even Letty doesn’t care to hear about it, just accepting Brian’s apology and moving on. So that was a giant waste of time. The one-liners in the movie were hit-and-miss, but more miss than anything else. I liked Letty’s line about Team Muscle and Team Pussy, but a later line of “That ain’t a plane; it’s a planet” is just awful.

Let’s face facts: most people that are interested in this movie have no interest in the things I wrote about in the story paragraph. Hell, some of them can’t even read it. So let’s talk about the action. It was decent. The greater majority of the action in the bulk of the movie was nothing altogether spectacular to me, but I would give Fast 6 the credit for having a climax of the movie even more ridiculous and spectacular than the last movie, but it does take a little away from it that they spoil it right in the trailer. So they’ll take a plane down with cars and cables, eh? I don’t know if that’s physically possible, but I already know it’ll happen. And I didn’t even search out trailers for this movie! Spoilers were forced upon me! But I’ve also never really had that much interest in car stuff, so I started liking a little better when they threw a tank into the mix. I did think the race car was an interesting idea, using its leverage to topple opposition cars, but I also didn’t understand how it was so hard to take out when its wheels were completely exposed. The face-punching stuff was pretty good when it happened as well. The fight inside the plane was pretty exciting, and kind of reminded me of Uncharted, but I really spent the entire fight waiting for the inevitable moment when Hobbs threw down against Shaw’s giant muscle dude. I also found myself bothered by the fights between Letty and Hicks, because Letty came out on top both times. I know Letty was more the hero of the story and so she should win, but I do not accept Michelle Rodriguez winning a fight against Gina Carano. No matter how much Michelle Rodriguez acts like a man; Gina Carano would beat that ass.

Most of the performances were entirely underwhelming, as expected. Vin Diesel is rarely my cup of tea. He always talks like he’s being choked by his own neck muscles, or like the lady with a tracheotomy in the anti-smoking commercials. I’ve seen Paul Walker act once. I’ve seen him in many movies, but I’ve only seen him pull off acting once. This was not that movie. He wasn’t particularly bad in this one; he was just a non-entity. I do, however, tend to like Dwayne Johnson whenever I see him. He’s got a lot of charisma and is ripped as hell. He outshines everyone else in this movie easily, but that also doesn’t really seem like it’d be that difficult.

Fast & Furious 6 came slightly below meeting the expectations that I didn’t have for it. The story was cliché and predictable, and the acting was mostly underwhelming. The action was decent enough, and probably much more interesting to people that like action involving cars, but I personally was getting bored with most of the movie right up to the climax that was ridiculous and spectacular enough to make this movie just pass as watchable. If you like the other movies in the series, you’ve probably already seen it. Otherwise, I’d recommend this movie for a rental. Fast & Furious 6 gets “This code you live by makes you predictable” out of “If that’s what it takes. I just wanna race.”

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Ninja Assassin (2009)


The Breath I Take After I Kill You Will Be the First Breath of My Life.

Today’s movie was requested by Christie Moscoscomosco.  Today, her Asianness took control of her and caused this request.  It’s a movie that I’ve seen before and currently own on BluRay, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything in regards to my feelings about it.  I took a gamble with this movie.  I had not seen it when I purchased it.  I looked at the two words that made up the title to the movie and said, “This seems like it’d be for me.”  The first word was right in my wheelhouse, and I’ve looked to try to find a really awesome movie about this group of people that I had not yet found.  And the second word is usually something I’m down for as well.  Do these two great tastes taste great together?  We’ll find out as I review Ninja Assassin, written by Matthew Sand and J. Michael Straczynski, directed by James McTeigue, and starring Rain, Naomie Harris, Sho Kosugi, Anna Sawai, Rick Yune, Ben Miles, Joon Lee, Randall Duk Kim, and Sung Kang.

Orphans are taken in by Lord Ozuna (Sho Kosugi) of the Ozuna Clan of ninja to undergo brutal training to become the world’s deadliest assassins.  One notable orphan is Raizo (Rain), notable because … he’s the hero of the movie, I guess…  Raizo develops a romantic bond with a kunoichi named Kiriko (Anna Sawai), who is far too nice to be a very good ninja.  She attempts to escape the clan despite Raizo’s pleas and is caught and killed by Raizo’s Ozuna brother Takeshi (Rick Yune).  This action loosens Raizo’s bond with his clan, eventually erupting in him trying to kill Lord Ozuna and inflicting heavy casualties on the clan before eventually being injured and left for dead.  In present day, Europol agent Mika Coretti (Naomie Harris) has been investigating political assassinations that she believes leads back to the Ozuna.  Getting too close, the Ozuna send an assassin after her, but Raizo saves her.  Together they will try to … uh … kill a lot of ninjas…?

For all I said about the title of the movie in the first paragraph, it actually made me nervous about the movie.  With a title as bland as Ninja Assassin, your movie will really have to set itself up as pretty spectacular to overcome it.  This movie did not do that.  It’s fine, but it had much less impact on me than a movie about ninjas should have.  I love ninjas!  But this movie was about half martial arts movie, have love story.  It spends a whole lot of time getting us caught up on Raizo’s story and doesn’t actually jump fully into the story of this movie until about halfway in.  I know we need a little bit of backstory, but the movie makes no forward momentum until Raizo gets together with Mika, and even then they don’t move forward very much.  They try to keep us interested in Raizo’s upbringing by mixing it with ninja glory shots of Raizo training with various weapons in his apartment, but you probably could’ve had the same effect by actually making him fight people for a reason than just scenes of “Look what this guy can do with this knife on the end of a string!”  And I have the same question about this movie as I’ve had with similar movies in the past, but what makes Raizo so much better than the hundreds of Ozuna brethren that he slaughters?  He received the same training as them, and they arguably should be better because they continued to train with the clan well after Raizo departed, but the greater majority of them are just blood-filled fodder for him as he hacks his way to either Takeshi or Lord Ozuna, who are the only two people that can make him put in any effort.  But I guess I can’t really judge as I’m the one who’s so immature that I saw a German sign in the movie that said “Ausfahrt” and I started to giggle.

So there really wasn’t much to the story of this movie, but I can’t imagine they were trying that hard.  This movie really does feel like it was written after they had already filmed the action scenes and were told they needed to hold that together with a story.  But even the action is kind of disappointing.  A lot of it is solid, and most of it tended towards being very stylized, but with as weak a story as this movie had, it really should’ve had a lot more spectacular action.  I guess part of the problem was that they seemed really intent on showing how cool the ninja ability to disappear into the shadows and be cloaked in darkness was.  This is something that needs to come along with a ninja movie, but the problem is that if you’re doing it well, the audience probably can’t see most of what’s going on.  Like the scene when Mika is trying to see Raizo and another ninja fighting in an apartment, and she keeps trying to get the flashlight on them to see what’s happening but can only catch glimpses of what is probably an epic battle.  I imagine this is what two ninja fighting would look like, but I have to use my imagination because the movie isn’t showing me anything.  When you could see, the martial arts were never really all that impressive and they seemed to rely more on gore, which they had a lot of.  Lots of CG red paint and body parts flying around in this movie, but only about two fights in the movie seemed like anything cool was happening.  I liked most of the final fight, especially the part where it’s shown in silhouettes through a paper wall that occasionally got splattered with red blood, but that fight’s ending was boring.  They had this big martial arts duel until Raizo got upset about something, then he just disappears and a black shadow makes the other guy’s body parts fall off.  Then it’s just over.

There’s not a whole lot to say about the performances in this movie.  They were fine.  They didn’t blow any minds, but that probably would’ve been a waste of time when there were some more buckets of blood to fling at the screen.  Rain did a fairly good job in the movie.  At first I was just thinking that he was going to have a really hard time pulling off “badass” and “intimidating” when he was so gangnamed pretty, but I think he did as much as he could.  Sho Kosugi did plenty enough badass and intimidating for the both of them, so I wasn’t really worried about it.  Naomie Harris didn’t bring anything to mind in regards to her performance, but I did spend a lot of time trying to figure out why she looked familiar when I watched the movie the first time.  I eventually figured out that it was because she played Tia Dalma in the Pirates of the Caribbean films.  Then I spent the rest of the movie trying to figure out how she looked so much hotter to me when she looked dirty, sweaty, and had really bad teeth in the Pirates movies than she did as just a normal, pretty girl.  Then I realized that I have mental issues and I moved on with my day.

When the name of your movie is as boring as Ninja Assassin, you really need to bring it in the action department.  No one is going into your movie with high hopes about story and performances, but that action must be top notch.  And when I refer to top notch action, I don’t mean a couple of decent fights and lots of fake blood thrown around the set.  It’s the difference between a “Scary Movie” and a “Slasher Film”.  One actually intimidates the audience with suspense; the other just makes the audience queasy with lots of red corn syrup.  Altogether this movie was okay and maybe worth a rental if you’re in the mood, but there are better ways to spend your time.  You can skip it.  Ninja Assassin gets “Weakness compels strength.  Betrayal begets blood” out of “I’ll tattoo the ceiling with your fucking brains!”

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Fast Five (2011)


We Talkin’ or We Racin’?

Today’s movie was not so much of a review request, but a viewing request from my roommate Richard. He watched the movie yesterday and liked it so much that I had to watch it ASAP, and he liked it so much that he would watch it with me the day after watching it himself. I, however, was very skeptical. This movie is the 5th in a series of movies I’ve either hated or had no interest in whatsoever. But we all know that I’ll watch anything, and this movie was at least a big budget movie unlike other crap I’ve watched. So let’s see how this turned out. Today’s review is of Fast Five, written by Chris Morgan, directed by Justin Lin, and starring Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Jordana Brewster, Joaquim de Almeida, Tyrese Gibson, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon, Don Omar, Elsa Pataky, and Geoff Meed.

Mia Toretto (Jordana Brewster) and her boyfriend Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) break Mia’s brother, Dom (Vin Diesel), out of a bus taking him to jail. They go to Rio de Janeiro, get hunted by DSS agent Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson), run afoul of crime lord Hernan Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida), and plan a heist to take all of Reyes’ money. They set up a team with Han Seoul-Oh (Sung Kang), Roman Pearce (Tyrese Gibson), Tej Parker (Ludacris), Gisele Yashar (Gal Gadot), Tego Leo (Tego Calderon), and Rico Santos (Don Omar) to accomplish the task of taking $100 million dollars from Reyes. But fuck all that “story” nonsense! Let’s smash cars with a safe!

I’m perfectly comfortable admitting the fact that I have little to no interest in cars and am a fairly poor excuse for a man. What I do tend to appreciate (possibly more than I should) is a big, dumb action movie. And that is the reason why Fast Five gets a “check it out” from me. That sounds like I’m ending the review. NAY! Just getting started. The story is a little dumb and filled with plot holes, but the action scenes are so absurd and awesome that I could not help but like this thing. Let’s take our good news first and talk about the action. This movie jumps immediately into it when 3 cars have to pull off a precision maneuver to flip over the bus that has Vin Diesel on it. They succeed, although I’m pretty sure he was the only person to survive it. Then there’s some story, then there’s a big fight scene on a train. It was pretty cool how they were getting the vehicles off of the train in the first place, and that immediately preceded a pretty brutal and awesome fight scene. Blah blah blah, a couple more races, and then the super climactic finale involving two cars, an improbably dragged safe, and a shit ton of safe-smashed objects. In between there was a race that confused me, though. Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, and Sung Kang had all stolen identical cop cars and decide (without any real good reason) to have a street race with each other. The pointlessness of this decision is not what gets me though. Now, I don’t know much about cars, but if you had 4 identical cars with 4 professional drivers behind the wheels, wouldn’t they all go the same speed? Get back to me on that, readers. Or don’t. I don’t really want to know. Also, since we’re talking action, even the subtitles in this movie are in a hurry. As soon as you’ve read them, they speed off the screen. They were cute at first, but they get old pretty quick.

It won’t surprise many that the story of this movie was lackluster and was full of plot holes. It’s not why you came though; you can admit that to yourself. I have. But, I’m reviewing this thing, so I at least have to type it. Let’s go in order, because that’s how I took my notes. First off, do you think anybody has ever put Rio de Janeiro in a movie without an establishing shot of that giant Jesus? Anyways, the dialogue is pretty bad and predictable here. You can see almost every punchline coming from a mile away. Not to jokes. I’m not sure there were any. But most statements are set up in joke form, with a set up and a punchline finisher. At a certain point I realized, if I tried, I could probably finish most of these people’s sentences for them. Around the middle of the movie, our team breaks in to a Reyes facility wearing masks and then they pull them off and show themselves to their captives, telling them to tell their boss what they did. If you planned this, why not just go in sans mask? They burn the money after this. The rest of the money is in 9 different locations. Reyes says to himself, “Well, since they’re after my money which is separated and difficult to get to, I think I’ll bring all of it together and put it in a safe. No one’s EVER gotten into one of those!” The Rock’s character is able to figure out who is on Vin’s team from an intersection camera, but really that would mean he and his team looked through every car that went through that intersection and, through dumb luck, stumbled on the masked team passing through it. And THEN, using technology that I’m not sure exists, used a computer to identify them using only their eyes. Is that possible? I mean, I could tell it was the Asian dude by his eyes, but only because he was the only Asian in all of Rio de Janeiro. The process of the team getting to the safe is pretty stupid as well. At first, Tyrese tries to talk his way in using a badge and ID so poorly counterfeited that it actually says he’s Caucasian. The desk guard doesn’t allow him in, but also doesn’t bother to arrest him or report the incident as suspicious. Cashiers at Best Buy have more sense. (No offense, cashiers from Best Buy) Then they let two of the team disguised as random janitors waltz right in and cut a hole in the wall to tap into the security cameras. Not only is there no background check, but no one brings up how the police managed not to notice a giant square had been cut into the wall. They didn’t have any plaster with them, so even if they replaced the slab of cement they removed, someone could have thought about that square in the wall. A lot of what they get away with in this movie depends heavily on everyone else being stupid. This camera footage leads to them spending days trying to make it through a course trying to avoid the cameras until they finally say “Fuck it, we’ll just steal cop cars.” Why not start with that idea?! Also – as I think is typical for these racing-type movies – it seems as if the writers use NOS as a deus ex machina type of thing. Like they write themselves into a corner like “People will believe 2 cars can drag a giant safe around without putting a scratch in the road, but one car? How are we going to do that? Slap some NOS in that car we haven’t seen until now!” There’s also a race in the movie when they acquire a car they never use. Why isn’t this in the action paragraph? ‘Cause they didn’t show it! They apparently thought people came to this movie for the dialogue. Not that it matters, most of the dialogue is drowned out by the action. And not that THAT matters, because the dialogue isn’t very good.

Here’s the thing that has popped into my head during any of the Fast/Furious movies that kept popping up in this movie as well: Paul Walker is the worst. The worst ever at everything. He’s got no charisma whatsoever, and every line he delivers makes it seem like he’s super bored. And that’s not just this movie, but every movie I’ve seen him in save for Running Scared. And I don’t even remember what happened in that. I just recall seeing a movie he wasn’t awful in. It’s a bit harsh, but true. Singling him out from the get-go does not let everyone else off the hook. Almost everyone in this movie did nothing to wow me. The Rock was the best actor in this movie, which isn’t a backhanded compliment. I like the Rock. I’ve never seen him really stretch his acting chops, but he is charming on screen so I’m never sad to see him. And not only is he charming, but he throws down better than most action stars. Richard and I wondered as we watched this movie how many times these people broke into laughter at the other person’s performances. Vin Diesel wasn’t bad, but he didn’t really have any charisma here. Jordana Brewster is cute, but not hot enough, and she never wore anything that caused me to even glance at her. Gal Gadot was brought in for the hotness, which she does have AND she gets into a bikini, but she borders on TOO skinny.

That is probably the most I’ve ever made fun of a movie that I actually claimed to enjoy. The plot holes are abundant, the story mediocre, and the dialogue bad and predictable. If you’re going to see Fast Five for it’s highly cerebral storyline (Thanks for the joke, Seth MacFarlane!), you’ll be disappointed … and stupid. Very stupid. We know why we watched this: the action! And it has that. The action was spread out by crappy story a little much for my taste, but the spectacular stunts are worth sitting through that. I say see this movie. You can fast forward through the talking, if you like. You won’t miss much. Fast Five gets “This shit just went from mission: impossible to mission: in-freaking-sanity” out of “This doesn’t make any sense”.

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