KNEEL BEFORE BOB!!
Seeing today’s movie proved to be harder than it should have been. Shortly after it came out, I made a trek to the theaters with Friendboss Josh to see this movie, only to find it sold out. That worked out for us both because we went and saw This Is The End instead. Later, I tried to get to see it with some of my other friends, but going to my sister’s wedding made things difficult because I needed to pack. And then my dog died. Jesus didn’t want me to see this movie in a big bad way! After I got back from my sister’s wedding, my friend Phil had returned to town and he was the only other person in the world besides me that had not already seen the movie, but he didn’t really care to. I gave him such a purple nurple that his nipple was fully removed. I promised to give it back to him after we had seen Man of Steel, written by David S. Goyer, directed by Zack Snyder, and starring Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, Michael Shannon, Russell Crowe, Kevin Costner, Diane Lane, Anteje Traue, Ayelet Zurer, Harry Lennix, Christopher Meloni, Richard Schiff, and Laurence Fishburne.
The people of planet Krypton have mined the core of their planet to the point where the planet is beginning to implode, just as their head scientist Jor-El (Russell Crowe) had warned them. Jor and his wife Lara (Ayelet Zurer) decide to send their baby, the first baby born naturally on Krypton in centuries, to the planet Earth in a shuttle to avoid the collapse of Krypton. The planet’s military commander, General Zod (Michael Shannon), is the only one that agrees with Jor about Krypton’s state, but disagrees that Krypton’s genetic codex should be sent to Earth with Jor’s son. He disagrees so strongly that he kills Jor while staging a military coup. Jor still manages to send his son away with the codex, and Zod and his rebels are captured and sentenced to prison in the Phantom Zone, where they are released a short time later when Krypton is destroyed. On Earth, Kal-El is taken in by Jonathan (Kevin Costner) and Martha Kent (Diane Lane) and raised in Smallville, Kansas. As he grows up, life is difficult for him as he develops superhuman abilities. When Kal – now called Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) – becomes an adult, he leads a nomadic life because he always ends up having to use his abilities to save someone and must then disappear again. On one job, he meets a reporter named Lois Lane (Amy Adams) and finds a ship from his ancestors that tells him his past. Shortly after that, Zod shows up in orbit and demands that the people of Earth turn Kal over to him.
I heard such mixed reports about this movie before I saw it that I had no idea what assumption to make going into it. But that’s typically a good thing because expectations do more harm than good. Overall I thought this movie was good. It didn’t blow my mind, but it was an entertaining watch. I guess part of the problem I had with it is that there’s nothing really surprising about the story. I’ve seen this story so many times, and they really didn’t change it drastically from what I had seen before. And I hate Superman, but I still know this story like the back of my hand! But the minor changes they made were ones I appreciated, like the fact that Kryptonite was nowhere to be seen in this movie. The greater majority of Superman movies that I’ve seen are all completely based around Kryptonite. Superman is all awesome, someone busts out a shiny green rock making him less awesome, and he overcomes it by taking it super seriously or flying into space to charge up. This one came close to that by having him weakened by the Kyptonian atmosphere, but they never had a green rock lying around. It also made me wonder if people making future Superman movies would be pissed that they took away their typical major plot point. But the atmosphere thing did make the same stuff happen with Superman. He was weakened by the atmosphere when he had to take out that terraforming “world engine” but had to sack up and take a cue out of Randy Quaid’s book from Independence Day and fly straight up that alien ship’s butthole. I did have a problem with Superman’s flying though, just because of the part where they were saying he needs to take a leap of faith before he starts flying. That’s not a leap of faith. A leap of faith is like what Indiana Jones did in the Last Crusade, where he stepped off a ledge with the faith that he wouldn’t die because of it. Superman is invulnerable and can fly. Not a lot of faith involved in such a leap.
The visual effects of the movie and the action were all very well done, which helped save the movie from the very typical story. Everything in the movie looked great, though occasionally I found that the shaky cam look they went for got a little tedious. But the fights were pretty dope, especially the ones involving Faora. She was dope. And hot. I liked the fight with her, that unnamed Kryptonian, and Superman, even though they made a bitch out of Superman. Superman should probably be able to hold his own a little better than he did in most of that fight. On the other hand, I hate Superman. Seeing him made into a bitch doesn’t bother me that much.
I liked the greater majority of the actors in the movie, but I took issue with a lot of the characters. Superman, for instance. What kind of protector did you turn out to be when your fights with the Kryptonians leveled a large portion of both Smallville and Metropolis? The Superman I know is a little more concerned with collateral damage than that. The Superman I know also doesn’t have a hairy chest, but I guess that’s okay because chicks seem to be into it. And speaking of being into chicks: was I the only one that was disappointed when baby Superman didn’t come flying out of his mom in the beginning, fist first? I also had some thoughts about his parents. First, how well does Krypton train its scientists in combat that they can beat up their top military officials? And what the hell is the deal with his mom? I understand the concept of a parent not wanting to give up their child, but she’s fully aware that the planet is dying. It’s better in her opinion to let the baby die with you than to live without you? You’re a shitty mom! Superman’s adopted parents weren’t much better either. I don’t remember the Kents teaching Superman the valuable lesson that sometimes you should let people die so you can keep yourself a secret. Jonathan Kent was spectacularly stupid. He actually dies because he tells his invulnerable superhero son to stay under the safety of the overpass while the aging human Jonathan ran back into the middle of a tornado to save a dog. Your son … IS SUPERMAN! He could’ve zipped out and saved that dog so fast that no one would’ve even seen him do it. He could’ve walked through the middle of a tornado like everyone else walking in front of an oscillating fan. But you’re right that dying in a tornado is the best way to go. That’s how I intend to go.
Man of Steel offered nothing new in the story department, but made up for it with some pretty decent action and some fantastic visuals. If you’ve followed Superman at all, you know pretty much where the story is going, but it will at least be visually entertaining enough to make it worthwhile. This movie didn’t exactly blow my mind with pure awesomeness, but I was satisfied with the experience. I’ll recommend you check this movie out in theaters. Man of Steel gets “You will give the people an ideal to strive towards” out of “That’s why we risked so much to save you.”
WATCH REVIEWS HERE! YouTube OTHER JOKES HERE! Twitter BE A FAN HERE! Facebook If you like these reviews so much, spread the word. Keep me motivated! Also, if you like them so much, why don’t you marry them?!